More Than Words

Facades and reactions are usually her saving grace and combat response but today is different. It takes too much strength for her to smile at anyone, and even her nieces and nephews have failed in all attempts to distract her. Felca has always been the rose among thorns but she wants nothing more than to be a thorn right about now. Resisted and avoided.

The room is full; people and machines decorate the hallway and Felca hasn't moved since she arrived. Her thighs are starting to burn from sitting in the cold chair, but that and judging people's shoes are more than welcome distractions.

There's a sweet nurse, in her early twenties, who passes by to offer coffee and some snacks for Felca and the family every few minutes. She smells like flowers and Felca enjoys their brief and nonverbal interactions.

In the distance, someone says 'yes, at EPH', and Felca finds herself wondering whether that's still the correct name for the hospital since it was recently labeled 'SITSELO SEMPHILO' on the wall facing the main road. Ignorance is still bliss, she reasons.

The familiar voice behind Felca brings her back to the current situation.

"No, his wife is here with us but we can fill that up for her. Don't worry Felca, we'll fill this", Felca'a aunt speaks emphatically and takes the form from the male nurse. It's times like this when Felca is grateful to be mute. This is hardly the time to be hashing it out with hospital staff over admin stuff.

A man dressed like the surgeons in Grey's Anatomy do walks by and she stares at him until he disappears into a room about ten doors down the hall. It's been an hour but Felca needs someone to tell her something. A selfish urge to leave everyone who came to the hospital to support her makes its debut, but she can't find the strength in her knees to stand. She definitely will not be asking anyone for assistance.

She's done judging people's shoes and the question is back in her head...

What if he doesn't wake up?

Felca places her elbows on her knees and cups her face in hands. She whispers a soft sshhh, to queit her mind. The lump in her throat is becoming a nuisance even though she won't be talking any time soon. The irony.

A woman steps out from the room they took her husband into almost two hours ago now, and before Felca thinks about it she's on her feet, staring expectantly.

"Mrs. Miles?" the woman asks and looks around.

Felca stands, smiles at the woman and nods slightly.

The woman moves closer and Felca resists the urge to take a step back. Too close woman!

"He's through the worst of it.. the knife cut into his stomach and he'd lost a lot of blood when he came in, but that's what our blood reserve is for", she smiles at Felca who doesn’t know whether to embrace the woman or slap her in excitement.

She closes her eyes in gratitude and the tears jump out of her eyes. She really couldn't imagine this life or any other without him. She smiles at the conviction that God is the only one she can't live without. It's a figure of speech, Abba, she contend internally.

The woman is still talking but Felca had stopped listening after the blood reserve comment. She just wants to see her husband now.

She looks at her sister, who's standing silently beside her and signals that she wants to go to him now.

"Sorry, can she see him soon?" Leslie asks on her sister's behalf.

The woman nods politely and turns to look at the door from which she'd come.

"Let's wait for them to pull him to his recovery room and we'll let you see him". she explains.

Felca nods again but keeps her head down.

Leslie holds her sister' hand and whispers 'God is with him' in Felca's ear.

Felca looks at her sister with utmost gratitude and wants so badly to say the words 'I love you' out loud. The woman gives them both an assuring look and rushes back to the room with Mr. Miles.

Leslie is about to take a seat when Felca grabs her sister's hand and her bible. She doesn't want to be around everyone else from this point until after she sees her husband. The sisters walk down the hallway and see the exit sign on the door to the right. Felca points at it and they walk hand-in hand toward it.

Once outside, they can see the mountains afar and the cold breeze is a welcome slap on her face. It's just after midnight and Felca holds her bible to her chest with her eyes closed. She can hear Leslie praying a few feet from her as she falls on her knees to do the same. Their thanksgiving goes on for about twenty minutes before a security guard bolts through the door to summon them back inside. Mr. Miles is in recovery.

Leslie waits for Felca to walk in first and then follows. They find their relatives waiting impatiently and Felca feels just a pinch of guilt as she rushes to the woman who promised she could see her husband soon.

"Okay, who wants to go in with her? It can only be just one other person for now", the woman emphasizes.

Felca lets the question linger and looks up. That one other person would've been their son. He'd be 23 this year. Felca's eyes fill with tears and she turns to Lesile who recognizes that look - and is crying too. Her nephew was like a son to her and when they lost him, Leslie went to therapy for over a year just to get through the grief. It was a truth she was yet to share with Felca. Another time, maybe.

"I do. I will", Leslie answers as she grabs her sister's bag off the cold chair.