Am I even human?

“Go up and talk to that beautiful woman before I steal her from her!”

Ned felt the heavy arm of Charlie slap into his back a few times as he winced. Ned knew Charlie meant this as a means of motivation and camaraderie but it came off as crass and aggressive. Ned turned to see Chaarlie choke down more of his beer as his thick mustache disappeared behind the rim of his beer glass. Charlie was older, divorced, chunky, and what you’d call “Old Navy”. Charlie had been in for twenty-one years, about the same age as Ned was, and was as rowdy a Sailor as they came. Ned, awkward and scrawny, knew that going out with his coworkers to this bar was going to be challenging. He had turned down offer after offer every Friday to go out with them. Ned was only interested in using his free time to play video games and anything that took him away from that was a waste of time in his mind. He had switched to full-time gaming ever since his grandmother died. Her death signaled to him that any form of leisure he was ever going to have was gone. His mother, more concerned with prescription pills than her son, swooped in and took her inheritance before her son had enough time to fully process everything that happened. Her death forced Ned to drop out of college with one full term left and enlist in the Navy. Ned had never wanted to join but he needed money and he also needed a way to get that final term completed. He thought joining would buy him some time to process the life he had lost after his grandmother died. Instead, he found his new life at constant odds with privacy. Sure, the Navy was a place where he met some cool people and gained a lot of new knowledge. He had chosen a job in the Navy that was highly technical and he had productive discussions with his chain of command about attending school as he continued to excel in his work. Ned realized he had hit a wall with some of his bosses over this and the only way he could clear this was to go out drinking with them. Ned reluctantly agreed to join them and that is how he found himself in this current position.

“She looks like this girl I used to know. She didn’t like guys like me,” Ned said sadly.

“Look, you are taking too long! You just go after these woman and if they like you, they say yes. If not, all they will do is say no! So stop acting like some pu-”

“Alright, I’m going,” Ned said, putting up his hands. He strode over to the woman at the end of the bar. She was looking off to the side and Ned stood behind her, rubbing his hands nervously. He stood there awkwardly as the woman looked at the bartender. Ned outstretched his hand and went to tap the woman on her shoulders. She was wearing a dress that revealed both her shoulders and the idea of touching a stranger's bare shoulders stopped Ned in his tracks. He cleared his throat.

“Excuse me?” Ned said towards the woman sheepishly.

The woman spun around, took one look at Ned, and turned back around. Ned, not fully understanding what happened, stood there frozen as the woman ordered a drink.

“Um, excuse me?” Ned said more sheepishly and quietly, barely registering any sound. He stood there for what felt like eternity as his eyes started drifting back to where he came from. None of his coworkers even seemed to notice him getting completely blown off as his mind raced back to where he had come from. He raised a finger in the air as if he had an idea and started back at the woman. She acted as if he were not there. Ned cleared his throat again and started shuffling back to where he came. He sat back down at where he had sat before and stared into the bottom of his full drink expressionless.

“So, what happened?!” Charlie shouted out over the bar, sounding obnoxious and slapping Ned on the back again. Ned winced in pain.

“I tried to talk to her and she looked at me once and just blew me off,” Ned said sheepishly, the same tone as he had when he talked to the woman.

“That’s why you have to ask them about themselves. Right off the bat. Women love talking about themselves. That’s where you messed up. My exwife would never shut up if I asked her a question. She would just-” Charlie caught off as he started making a talking gesture with his right hand. Four fingers were the top of the mouth and the thumb was the bottom. Everyone at the table started laughing.

“My wife is the same way,” chuckled out Debra, red faced from laughing so hard.

“I guess I just don’t care about other people,” Ned blurted out, hot from the frustration of being ignored by the woman and stuck around a bunch of people that were annoying him. Charlie stopped drinking his beer and looked at Ned with puzzlement.

“Believe me, humanity isn’t any of our favorite subjects either,” Charlie said, serious but tapering off into humor.

“You kind of get mad at people once they say you can’t be home for the birth of your daughter. Screw people. You get what you want from them and then you move on.” Charlie said, holding his beer out and up as if he were offering a toast.

“Aren’t we supposed to be defending people, though?” Ned said with a little more gusto.

“No, Ned. We are honestly just the whipping posts for our country, so the rest can complain about how spoiled their lives are. We are just a harsh example people can point at as both a victim and being selfless. It’s a weird dichotomy, young man. But that is why you should never let some woman at a bar or anyone else for that matter get you down. We are the toughest sons of guns alive. That is something the American people can suck on if you ask me,” Charlie finished, chuckling aloud then chugging down more of his beer.

“I don’t feel like I have humanity-” Ned started and then stopped. Charlie put down his empty glass and smiled at him.

“Welcome to the club!”