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36 comments
Written in response to: "Write about a character pretending to be someone they’re not." as part of Liar, Liar.
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great work! my favourite line of this was, “It did not showed a lot of maturity, yet it was just as innocent looking as Gru after he had robbed off the moon in Despicable Me.”
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Thanks a lot!!!
May I ask, who are you?
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It felt like reading a chapter of a fantasy book. Nice work Dhwani.
As for critiques, the dialogues, if a bit more realistic, might add a new charm to your story. As a reader, I expected Lyla to be really shocked and confused when she got teleported.
Moreover, it was good.
Well done.
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Okay....
Thanks a lot for this, Keya!!!
=D
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The plot was so engaging, I loved the fantasy element of Lyla being transported to another world. Well written, this was so good! 🙂
Ok. I know this is my second time asking but, could you please give me an in-depth review for my story "Jace walkers fatal mistake" part one and two?
Sorry for being annoying, I just enjoy reading them so much, lol. 😅
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Thanks =D
Definitely, I'll get to them when I can.
yeah, me too.
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Thanks! Have a nice rest of your day. 🙂
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I am in the same country as you are, so yeah.
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Your imagery is amazing!! I liked the way you described your characters and the setting. It seemed like a really good movie that I would watch so that's a plus. The only negative comment is the dialogue. Of course you can write your dialogue in any way you want, but typically it's written with "he said" and "she said" so you know who's speaking. Sometimes I got a little lost and I had to reread over. All the while I think the layout of your story was great and your plot was great too!!
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Thank you so much, Carla (can I call you Carla?)
Definitely, but in my opinion continuously writing 'he/she said' becomes very redundant....so yeah.
But thanks for the suggestion, I will keep it in my mind.
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Ofc you can!!!!
I totally agree bc I used to do the same thing so I def understand... but no problem!!
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Okay.
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Nice plot, I loved the story and it was a great read.
The title was great and I liked the idea of Lyla being transported to another world :))
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Thank you so much! :)
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:))))))))))))
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:P
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:)))))))))))
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Wow, interesting story here! I like how you blended a lot of you stories together into one main story. It seemed a bit rushed tbh. The details at the beginning about the brooch were great, and the other room that she was transported to was alright, but again, kinda rushed.
Also, noticed an unusual amount of errors, so I'm gonna assume that you haven't edited it yet...
"The charm was given to her by her friends, who ahd pooled in their money and the brooch was purchased by her for her sister." --> 'ahd' should be had.
"it was like she was transported to yet snother world - a world full of peace, calm and tranquality." --> 'it' should be capitalized, 'snother' should be another, and there should be a comma after 'calm'.
"'Maybe they've gone out for a walk,', "--> one of those commas isn't needed.
""Did you understand everythign I told you so far?"" --> 'everythign' should be everything.
"The charm has two cherries, one for internal strength for whoever wishes to posses it and the second cherry, the one covered in rebies for external, physical strengh." --> 'rebies' should be rubies, and 'strengh' should be strength.
Now, as for your game, 'The Gecko', 'Aqua's Squad' and 'Lurking in the Shadows' were really obviously included, and as for others, there was 'Untold Story of Jack and Jill', 'What Could Possibly Go Wrong?', 'DJ Wolf' (cause Aqua was struggling with the paperwork like Diksha), and yeah. That's what I could spot ;)
Great job overall :)
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Okay, tbh, Flow, this is the longest story that I have written so far!
Yeah, I am a lazy editor. Thanks for all these edits, I'll get to them ASAP.
Yeah, you spotted all of them. I didn't really think about the DJ Wolf one, but it makes sense.
=D
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It definitely is!
Ofc
Yeah :)
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You know what?
The cherries charm and the brooch in this story, I recently discovered that I had them and now I am wearing the necklace daily.
Something funny happened today.
My grandfather looked at me and said in Hindi, "क्या आपने अपने गले में क्रिश्चियन क्रॉस पहना है?" {Find out the meaning yourself}
And I was like , "नहीं! मैं क्रॉस क्यों पहनूंगा? मैं ईसाई नहीं हूँ!"
{No offence, but I have no reason whatsoever to wear it and so, I said that. Also, they were TWO CHERRIES not what he thought it was.}
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That’s cool! Makes sense, cause you described it like you could easily look at it.
Lol
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Yesh
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:D
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GREAT JOB! It was very interesting. Unique plot. :)
It’s petals each radiated a different colour – blue, pink, green, white and on of them created a transparent glow, without any colour.
Did you mean one instead of on?
The charm was given to her by her friends, who ahd pooled in their money and the brooch was purchased by her for her sister.
Had instead of ahd.
She reached for her brooch and felt dizzy just the second she took it in her hand. In a moment, she was transported to another world, or rather, an alternate world.
Delete just. It doesn't really make sense in the sentence.
Super Abilities: Camoflage
I think you mean camouflage. With a U.
I honestly have no idea what references you made. I'm a very bad guesser. Lol.
XD
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Thank you Esther!
Yes, thanks for pointing that out!
Definitely!
Okay..
Yeah, I can't really spell that.
Okay, no problem! Thank you for this review!
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You're welcome!
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Ooh, nice job! The plot was so engaging, and I loved the fantasy element of Lyla being transported to another world. I also think stories about villains are really interesting :)))
Great work, this was so good! :D
🐈⬛
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Thanks a ton!
Can you identify all the 'hints' I gave to my other stories?
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Of course! :)
Well, I haven’t read a lot of your stories yet, so I’m still working on figuring them out XD
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Join me here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l1H9SUk-Z4VvSKhPYAV_z1kZJLRN9UgmdaxXxKii_TM/edit?usp=sharing
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<removed by user>
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I don't really understand what you mean here, but yes, The Gecko and Aqua's Squad have mentions in this story, there are more stories to this game.
Thanks a lot Sienna!!!!!!!
<3
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Join me here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l1H9SUk-Z4VvSKhPYAV_z1kZJLRN9UgmdaxXxKii_TM/edit?usp=sharing
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<removed by user>
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Where are you from?
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