Suubi

Mr. and Mrs. Dawson dared to feel hope once again. For the past ten years, they had tried to have children. For the past ten years, they had been thwarted in every way imaginable.

With each passing attempt at having their own biological children, every negative result, every small shake of the head from the doctor, and every look of pity in the eyes of their loved ones, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson lost hope.

So, life continued on, and this afternoon was like many others. Sometimes, Mrs. Dawson would sit for hours looking through adoption agencies online. Other times, like today, she would stop at a shop, order a donut and coffee, and walk to a clinic, where she would pick up every new adoption brochure she could find. Then she would sit in the uncomfortable waiting room chair and read.

The smell of coffee filled her senses when a shadow fell across her brochure. Mrs. Dawson looked up to see a short, stout lady, with thin curly black hair. She sported lime green glasses and wore nothing but black. She wore a black t-shirt with a black cardigan, black capri pants, and not surprisingly, black ballet flats.

“Hello, I couldn’t help but notice you were looking at the adoption brochures. I’ve seen you a couple of times in here before,” the lady said, smiling professionally. “Are you looking to adopt?”

Mrs. Dawson gave a polite smile, bewildered by the whole interaction. “Yes, I am.”

The lady seemed to jump with excitement. She took a seat next to her and quickly explained, “I work with an adoption agency. I would be happy to help you.” She paused for a moment. “Oh, excuse me for being rude, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Emilia Ellis,” she held out her hand.

“I’m Millie Dawson.” She reached out to shake Ms. Ellis’s hand. “However, I don’t think—”

“Oh, I understand your hesitation, but if you just give me five minutes, I would be happy to explain what it is I do,” Ms. Ellis interjected.

“Oh, I suppose.” Mrs. Dawson hesitantly listened, not expecting much, as she had most likely heard it all before.

It turned out Ms. Ellis’s job was to find families looking to adopt, specifically for orphaned children in Uganda. She went on to say the company was based in America, and had created families for these children over the span of the last couple of years, quickly rising in popularity.

For the next hour, they talked. With every minute, Mrs. Dawson’s coffee grew colder, and she sat up straighter.

Hours later, after work, Mr. Dawson was very much surprised, to come home and find his wife enthusiastically talking with a stranger on the couch.

“Toby, I have wonderful news!” His wife had shot up with excitement, as he tried to remember the last time he had seen her this happy.

He listened patiently, eyes widening. They had never even thought up the possibility of adopting internationally. He saw the hope light up in her eyes and realized he could give this to her, as it was his fault that they had struggled to have children.

Thus, after miles of paperwork, setbacks, and questions, a few months later, they were finally going to meet their future child: a nine-year-old little girl named Suubi.

Originally, in all the ways they planned on having children, newborns to toddlers were always their hope. However, Ms. Ellis insisted that an older child was more in need of love and had convinced them to adopt one.

Knock, knock, knock. The large oak door reverberated through Mr. and Mrs. Dawson’s empty house.

Opening the door, Mrs. Dawson was greeted with the sight of Ms. Ellis and tiny Suubi. “Hello, hello! Come on in.”

She reined in her excitement as she led them to the living room, a large, bland space waiting to be filled with color.

“Toby, they are here!” Mrs. Dawson exclaimed. She gestured to the cookies on the table, gave a great big smile to Suubi, and said, “You’re welcome to have one, dear.”

“She speaks little English,” Ms. Ellis promptly reminded Mrs. Dawson.

“Oh, right, of course.” Mrs. Dawson leaned down and picked up the tray. She crouched down to the little girl, held out the plate, pointed at the tray and said, “Cookie?”

Suubi looked down at the plate. She silently picked one up and repeated, “Cookie.”

Mrs. Dawson smiled widely, nodded her head and said, “Yes.”

“Well, it seems you are a great match,” Ms. Ellis primly replied, crossing her hands over her midsection.

A bright feeling expanded in Mrs. Dawson. The little girl clearly was smart and, so far, well-behaved.

Leaning in the doorway, Mr. Dawson watched the whole cookie exchange. For the first time in a year, he had seen his wife smile. She lost her light at their last attempt at fostering. For a while, they had their family: two beautiful boys whose parenting proved to be a challenge. They relished every late night and tantrum, because along with it came laughter and love. Teaching baby Daniel to take his first steps was the highlight of their marriage.

However, a bittersweet goodbye came about. Daniel and his older brother Malcolm were returned to their mother. While happy at the boys’ family reunion, they also felt the pain of losing theirs. Toby’s wife especially took it very hard. Silently approaching, he wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Ah, Mr. Dawson, now that you are here, we can begin.” Ms. Ellis turned to Suubi, and gestured to the couple. “Mr. Dawson, Mrs. Dawson.”

“Oh, that’s so formal. She’s welcome to call us by our first names.” Mrs. Dawson looked at Suubi and pointed to herself, “Millie,” she then looked to her husband and pointed, “Toby.”

Suubi understood and quickly repeated. She pointed to herself and said, “Suubi.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Suubi,” Millie smiled at her. She held out her hand.

Suubi looked down at Millie’s hand and timidly put hers in it. Her first impression of Millie and Toby was that they were very kind. They clearly had the patience to help her learn English, which she appreciated.

Millie was a tall, pale woman with long blonde hair, unlike Suubi’s own short-cropped hair, from her previous school. Millie’s smile overtook her face, and her eyes were the prettiest shade of blue. Reminding Suubi of Kaddulubaale— a Great Blue Turaco bird.

Toby was a short man. His height was just above Millie’s shoulder. Suubi thought this was quite amusing. His red hair was even more striking. It was short and you could see the top of his head was bald too.

They both wore muted clothes. Millie had on a modest dress that was a light orange, and Toby was wearing cream pants and a light blue shirt.

Suubi watched the rest of the exchange and tried to follow along. However, her English was very limited. She only understood a few words like “School, family, papers and sign.”

In the following weeks to months, she would learn English at a grander level.

Suubi quite enjoyed life at the Dawsons. Toby taught her how to fish, and they watched many movies together. Millie would always have baked treats and even would let her help at times. Her favorite thing to do, however, was to play football. Though often, she would have to mentally correct herself, not football, soccer. Toby and Millie were quickly becoming parent-like to her. Which would often come with the feelings of guilt.

Millie and Toby, on the other hand, couldn’t be more thrilled. To them, Suubi was a wonderful daughter. She was quiet but very clearly intelligent. Her room was always clean and they never had to ask her to help with chores. She enjoyed playing soccer and drawing. What they loved the most, however, was how much she loved to learn. It was never a fuss to do homework.

Suubi was also quite social and quick to make friends. Almost every weekend, the sound of little girls’ squealing laughter could be heard throughout the house.

“Girls! Come on down for dinner!” Millie announced. No longer did she have to make meals for just two people, now she had an excuse to make feasts and baked treats.

The girls barreled down the stairs. “Millie!” Suubi exclaimed. “We make…” She trailed for a moment.

Amy Finch, a friend of Suubi, quickly understood the pause. “We made necklaces.”

Suubi readily nodded. “We made necklaces. For you.” She held out a beaded necklace, full of an array of colors.

“Thank you, Suubi.” Millie eagerly put it on. “Dinner now.”

“You’re welcome,” she responded, sitting down to eat.

Three of Suubi’s friends were over— Amy Finch, Stacy Bernard, and Mina Cho, Millie quickly became acquainted with them. They continued to talk over each other, scrambling to get all their thoughts out, but Millie watched in amazement, at the natural pauses they would give to Suubi. It brought her great joy to see how open and patient they were.

While the girls enjoyed their dinner, Millie sat back and took a moment to look around. No longer was her house empty. It was now filled with toys scattered about, pictures, and memories. She held onto the necklace. Tracing each bead slowly between her fingers, memorizing every groove. It was everything she had ever wanted.

Noticing Suubi had gone quiet, Millie studied her facial expression; it was one she had seen before. Sometimes, Suubi’s face held a faint smile, other times a frown, her eyebrows were drawn inwards and her eyes held sadness, or perhaps it was nostalgia. In moments like these, Millie wished there wasn’t such a strong language barrier. She wondered what could create such an expression on a child.

“Honey, I’m home!” Toby’s voice and chuckles cut through her thoughts. He pecked a kiss on her head and said, “Hmm, dinner smells wonderful.”

The night continued on as normal and soon winter turned into spring. It had been around eight months since they met Suubi. They had all settled into a routine. Except for one daily problem.

“I’m worried about her,” Millie quietly confessed, as she scrubbed her makeup off for the day.

Her husband lay on their bed and quietly looked up at her. “She’s just adjusting to life in America, not to mention being an orphan since she was three.”

Millie walked out of the open bathroom door toward their bed. She sat on the edge and said, “I know, but she’s so uptight for a nine-year-old. All she cares about is school work and learning English. The only time she relaxes, is when her friends are over.” Before Toby could respond, Millie continued. “Also, haven’t you noticed how she reacts when we try to get her to call us Mom and Dad?”

He gave a small sigh.

“She politely side-steps it. Then gives us a confused look and moves on. It’s like she doesn’t even understand she’s adopted.” Millie finished.

Toby moved over and gathered his wife in his arms. They lay comfortably in bed. He put his head on hers and after a moment of silence, he said, “We have heard this before, sometimes, it takes kids months to even years, before they feel comfortable enough, calling their adoptive parents, Mom and Dad.”

“I know, it’s just…” Millie paused, and tried to find the right words, “I just thought we were providing enough comfort and love, that she would have said it already.”

Toby kissed the top of her head. “I know love, I know.”

A familiar shuffle echoed down the hall. “She’s up again,” Millie whispered. “Do you want me to check up on her this time?”

“Perhaps we should just leave her instead?” Toby whispered back. Already, he could feel his wife wiggling out of bed.

“No, I say we both go and talk to her.” She started to turn down the hall and Toby got up and followed his wife.

He watched as she slowly creaked the door open. He assumed like every night, Suubi would be at her desk writing, muttering the words to herself.

Suubi looked up from her desk. “Hello, Toby, hello, Millie.”

“Hello, Suubi. Still working on your writing?” Millie asked softly.

“No, drawing,” Suubi replied, and picked up a colored pencil.

Toby watched surprise form on his wife’s face. “What are you drawing?”

Without looking up from her paper, she simply said, “Home.”

For a moment, Millie looked happy, but as they moved closer to Suubi, her smile slowly faded. Suubi’s picture wasn’t of their home. It featured a small house with trees surrounding it. In the picture stood a large man, a woman with a baby girl on her hip, and another little girl that appeared to be Suubi.

“Suubi?” Millie’s voice held a weird tinge to it. “Who is that?”

Suubi looked up for a moment, and processed the question. “Home.”

Toby and his wife shared a look of worry. He leaned down and gently said, “Suubi, this is your home.” He gestured between his wife and himself. “We are your parents, Mom and Dad.”

Suubi looked at him, confused, and shook her head. Slowly, she picked up the paper and pointed to the man. “My dad.” She moved her finger over to the woman. “My mom.”

Millie let out a small gasp.

They watched as Suubi’s finger tracked down the image. “My little sister,” then with one fell swoop Toby’s heart began to break. She finally pointed to the last little girl and said, “Me.”

Toby looked over and saw Millie’s confused expression. She peered down at Suubi, and slightly shook her head, like she couldn’t believe it. “No, Suubi. We are your family.”

Suubi held the paper firmly. She adamantly said, “My family.”

Gently grabbing his wife’s arm, Toby slowly led her to the hallway. “Goodnight, Suubi,” he said solemnly.

He watched his daughter’s confused face. It slowly morphed into sadness. “Goodnight, Toby, goodnight, Millie.” She put her drawing down and headed to bed. He flicked the light off, then Toby walked his wife to their room.

Millie started pacing. “Why does she think she has a family? I thought she was an orphan. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism? But why was she so sure? Should we take her to a psychologist? What about—”

“Breathe, Millie,” Toby interrupted. “We definitely need to look further into it. She could be making it up…” he paused, and looked into his wife’s eyes. Unwilling to voice the other option, he said instead, “Let’s just go to sleep. We will figure it out tomorrow.”

The morning sun and booming alarm clocks weren’t needed to wake them; after tossing and turning all night, their minds spun with questions.

They wouldn’t get any answers, however, until Suubi came home from school and Toby from work.

After Millie stress-cleaned, baked, colored, and finally paced, Toby and Suubi arrived home.

“Suubi? Can we speak to you for a moment?” Millie asked.

Suubi walked over and sat on the couch. Millie paced and Toby sighed.

“What is Uganda like?” Millie asked softly. She had been thinking about how to approach this all day.

Suubi thought for a moment. “I play football er, I mean soccer, with my friends. I walk to school with my dad.”

Toby started to shake, rubbing his hands together to hide it.

“What about your mom? Or sister?” Millie questioned.

“Uh, I help my mom with Dembe.”

Millie’s eyes started to water. “Um, what else?” She composed herself.

Suubi looked between the two. Sensing something was wrong she asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yes. We are.” Toby chimed in. He breathed in a shaky breath. “Why are you in America?”

Suubi quirked her eyebrows. “To go to school. To learn. Then I go home.”

Understanding dawned on Toby and Millie’s faces. A sense of dread settled through the air. Millie slouched down into the armchair. The soft cushions provided her no comfort. A hollow feeling spread throughout her chest.

“You can go do your homework now, Suubi.” Toby whispered unsteadily, unable to look at her.

She paused for a moment, gave a slight nod, and worked her way toward the kitchen.

Millie looked around their house. It was filled with all of the toys and false memories of Suubi.

With her gone, silence ensued, until Millie heard Toby begin to cry softly.

Millie turned to comfort him, her shock giving way as she watched her strong husband break. “Toby, are you alright?”

“I’m sorry, Millie. It’s all my fault.” His shoulders shuddered with his pain.

“What is?” Millie exclaimed, and patted his back.

“That we can’t have children. It’s all my fault.”

She lifted his head. “No, Toby. If anything, it’s all mine.”

He stifled his tears. Confusion marred his face. “What do you mean?”

Millie looked away from him. She fiddled with her beaded necklace. “I’m the one who believed that lady, Emilia Ellis.” She shook her head softly. “If I had just paid more attention…”

Toby grabbed her shoulders, pulled her to him, and firmly said, “No, that’s on both of us. We both should have done more research before jumping in.”

The two leaned into each other. Grief and guilt lined their bodies and minds. Millie whispered, “I don’t want to give her up.”

Toby whispered back, “Me, neither.”