A Quiet Apology to those I hurt

I thought of her as my best friend.

Even though she was what others would call eccentric, I called her wild.

Wild in the sense, she was impulsive, predictably unpredictable, and happy-go-lucky.

When I say predictably unpredictable I mean sometimes she would do seemingly dangerous kinds of stuff or something no one else would try, with a jovial youthful vigour. You could sense when those bouts of interest would come (they were predictable) and she, giggling spontaneously, would hold you to doing the same. What she wanted to do would probably be unpredictable. I loved her. So I laughed and did what she wanted - what we wanted with naturally exaggerated passion. Being near her, thinking of being her best friend made me feel jubilantly radiant, something I am sure must have shown on my face.

I thought of her as my best friend.

One day, while roaming the school in the tiffin break, we encountered a place where they had dug deep and was currently under construction. A narrow region went past the construction site. Not narrow enough to fall down, not thick enough to completely safely go over it either. But she wanted to cross it via the dangerous path. I didn't want to, but I did too, albeit with second thoughts.

When we entered secondary section, she sat beside me.

I must have been a boring person, back then - that was what I told myself. Because of social anxiety, except with those who I felt I could be myself. It was a long day, we barely talked.

Before I knew it, she took her bag and left me.

And before I knew it, I was left sitting alone.

***

It was three years before this when she, while teaching me karate hit me hard on my chest on purpose. Hard enough for it to ache for quite some time.

***

It was my birthday. No one had wished me.

When, however way it became known, she said, "I knew it, I purposefully did not wish you." Birthday wishes could make or break your day at that point of time.

***

I wrote a big email to her once, explaining my feelings and made it as nice and interesting, as well as soulful as I could. I believe she never read it.

***

One day, she wouldn't walk with me in the tiffin break - chose someone else to walk with. After a while I heard someone saying I was angry at her that she chose to walk with someone else. Which I was, more hurt than angry, but did she do it so I would be jealous? Especially when it was unprovoked?

***

She gifted me a handmade card, which I was very happy to receive till my sister pointed out to me that certain things on the card was whitened out with a whitener. I realised it was a card someone else must have given her... not particularly made for Me.

***

She told me the friend I sat beside found me boring. When I told what she had said, she denied having said anything like that.

***

To end everything, she once told me, years later, "I didn't even think of you as a friend back then."

My so called best friend.

I never told her I had considered her to be that. My best friend.

Previously, I would have been hurt. I might have hurtfully tried to laugh and then cry, thinking, did she not know that?

But now, in silence, without any kind of feelings for or against her, I contemplate, did she not know that?

***

I don't want sympathy.

I don't even want understanding.

I just wanted to say, I was a human who felt once, too.

We change as we grow up.

The intensity of our feelings can decrease, making one practical and pragmatic.

If I see those I have hurt, I can tell myself, it wasn’t fair to do to you what I did.

Maybe I hurt people.

I shouldn't have.

But behind every laughter and every silence there can be a story. At least till the person becomes apathetic.

After a while, you can laugh at jokes, not only because you feel this as funny, but this was your cue to laugh.

***

Later on, she told me, I'm sorry I told that (the never being your friend thing).

Later on, she slapped a boy for hurting me.

Later on, she thanked me for inviting her to my birthday.

But back then, after everything, I decided not to get as involved as before.

If someone asks me if I made the right decision, I would say, I don't know if it is right or wrong, I only know that whatever has brought me to this point, I feel okay sustaining it.

***

What I have realized in life is that, I shouldn't drag people into my issues as long as I can survive it on my own.

When people care about me, if I can't care about them, I should at least not leave them wondering. I should be able to own up and say, I don't care as much as you want me to care, or some such.

Self-healing is important. It takes space and looking at oneself critically to identify your shortcomings.

If you can deal with those shortcomings, well and good. If you can't, don't overthink it.

Spout out the thing before it becomes something that hurts another person.

***

(To someone out there)

Have I hurt someone?

I have. Maybe I have hurt you.

Maybe you won't want to be the same with me again.

You know the twist in the tale?

I don't think I could love anyone in the same way I loved my first and second best friends of my secondary school life either.

And I have reached a place where neither do I want to.

I don't think I could give you the life and love you wanted.

So as I pull back to your pulling back (my fault, I know), I know I will be met with silence.

Silence is cool, too.

Better than laughing on cue.

I believe in the fact that time heals all wounds, perhaps even erases scars.

Sometimes, the best company you can have is yourself.

Maybe this sounded like a whole lot of shit to you. But it does hold some shadow of truth.

I have come to respect "The quiet" as I once wrote, even though I dislike "the solitude".

I am glad you don't have to carry my burden with the burden of someone else's whom you love.

***