Forever with love

Dear Mummy,

I have been thinking about you. About everything I wish I had the chance to tell you. About all the things I wish we could have done together if we had more time. But that time was never promised. The life you wished I could have, the one you imagined, the one you never got to see.

I wish I could have protected you. Warned you, or reassured you. I have been trying to find the right way. The right words. But you know. There are never enough words. Never the exact right words. Except for one. And that’s love. How much I love you. How much I know you have always loved me.

I have been thinking about the first time I heard your heartbeat. Long after the first time my own heart began to beat. How I longed to hear the echo of your heart as mine skipped faster besides yours. Your blood entwined with mine. Your body nurturing mine. It’s true they say I’m forever engrained in you.

Had they told me I wouldn’t get to stay for long, I don’t know if I would have come. Having to leave you so soon. That pain. I wouldn’t wish on anyone. A burden that no one should ever have to carry. The grief of longing is sometimes quiet, and sometimes painfully loud. I wish I could lift that pain.

You gave me the perfect life. Despite my body's brokenness, you gave me everything I ever needed. You were home. My everything. You were enough in every way. I want you to know you still are. You never failed me. You fixed me. You freed me in a way no one else ever could have.

You gave your whole body to let me go, so that I never had to suffer. If I could have taken matters into my own hands so you didn’t have to feel blame, I would have. Thank you for seeing me. For putting your own fears aside, knowing how painful life would have been for me.

So much of the future was unknown then. Guarantees wouldn’t have made any of it easier. I know that. It was the best, worst outcome. The alternative would have left me broken, voiceless, trapped in myself. And it could have killed you. I didn’t want that for any of you.

I know there are moments when you feel like you failed me. That you didn’t do enough to seek answers. I know you wished you could have fixed me. That there would be some miracle. Some other option that could keep us both safe and whole. Without unknowns, and suffering.

Never will I forget the day you finally got to hold me. Your wails when I was placed on your chest. A guttural call of love. I know you weren’t ready, but I was. The strength you had to carry me into the world, knowing I wouldn’t survive. I gave everything I had to stay until you were ready.

Mummy, you gave me permission to go. It’s impossible to describe how freeing that felt. You held me with utmost warmth. Your words of love gave me everything I would ever need. Your warmth and gentle touch cocooning me into my next life. A perfect life.

I would have been held by you for all of my life, if that’s what you needed from me. I now know the temporariness of life on earth. The surety that nothing is guaranteed, except love. You gave me all of your love and set me free. In death, I will carry you through this life.

Forever with love. Your daughter always,

Willow Charlize

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To my beautiful daughter Willow,

I will never forget the moment you gently came into our world. I still remembered the rawness of your arrival. The quiet hope that by some miracle you would get to stay, or that I could leave this world and carry you into the next. I can still feel your weight on my chest. My love to carry.

How it has been 5 years since I looked down to see you, my tiny beautiful little girl. The moment you broke my wails with your sound, as you molded yourself closer to me. Your daddy holding us both as we looked at you with so much love and awe. You looked so perfect and peaceful.

It’s true I have learnt to hold the grief. To let it hold me too. To follow it. To guide it. To surrender to the discomfort I now know, comes in temporary waves. You taught me that in life there are just a few guarantees, love and grief. The strength that comes with being truly vulnerable.

In the moments when I felt time was moving me away from you, you showed me you would be with me always. That each moment was a moment closer to you. I have learnt to move forward, sometimes slowly, and sometimes with an ease I never thought possible.

I now understand, and can accept, that so much of this life is out of our control. That there will be things in life that we won’t fully comprehend until our time here is over. I’ve learnt to live in those moments, more present. The fear of knowing what could go wrong, has slowly lost grip.

My darling, you are one in a thousand. It’s true, your love carries me. And I am sure that one day, I’ll hold you again in the way I always wanted, forever. Thank you for showing me the beauty in grief. For giving me the most beautiful love that I can share with others.

Thank you for being the most beautiful sister to your brothers. For helping us all see the painted skies in ways we didn’t see before. For helping us notice the flowers and how they change throughout the seasons. We see you in everything beautiful. You are part of it all.

To my beautiful little girl, I will love you every day, until eternity. I will treasure the smallest of signs that you are still with us. I loved you for your whole life, and will love you evermore. You are the brightest star on the darkest night, guiding me home.

Forever with love, your Mummy always.

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Written in loving memory of Willow Charlize, my only daughter. My one in a thousand. Born and died on Sunday, 31 January 2021. The most beautiful sister in the stars. Loved and remembered always.

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Willow was lost to termination for medical reasons after a routine ultrasound found she had Ventriculomegaly. With a devastating outlook for her quality of life beyond me, and potential risks to my own life, we made the impossible decision to end our wanted pregnancy.

Termination for medical reasons is a choiceless choice often silenced by taboo. A blindsiding loss, so often misunderstood. It is just one of many devastating losses faced by families everyday. My love goes out to those families navigating this unspoken grief.