Entangled

I’m pretty sure quantum entanglement is just the universe reflecting in a mirror.

In my years studying physics, it’s a theory I can’t shake. How can something happen at X and then still happen at Y across the universe. My bachelor’s degree was in micro concepts in physics, my master’s was on how the uniliteral vectors reveal the hidden ennui of unobserved atoms, i.e. their resting state.

So, you’re naturally inclined to agree with me when I say that QE is just the universe being held up in a mirror. I’ll give you a moment to be stunned by my simplicity.

But I’ll also give you a moment to ponder the deeper thought I’ve not dared revisit: who is holding that mirror? Or what.

Anywho, back to me. I gotta come clean though. My bachelor’s degree in micro concepts in physics? I barely cracked the book. Pretty cover though. Lots of swirly purples and greens.

My master’s degree in whatever the hell I said above? I was pouring flat beers after leaving them uncovered all night. The vectors are the awkward positions you find yourself waking up in. Drunk yoga, per se.

College, ammiright?

Well, not everyone’s experience. Neither here nor there. I digress.

Don’t you think my mirror theory makes sense? That’s how it happens at X and then at Y because you’re literally watching the same thing?

Lemme show you what I’ve discovered to help convince you.

Remember the scene where Dr. Strange hides the time stone in the moon? No? You’re missing out, go watch Avengers, or read their comics. Awe, look at me, encouraging art and entertainment. I’m such a great influence. Even more reason to believe me in our journey.

Now, here look at little compact mirror. Nothing crazy. Ordinary. Go ahead, touch it. Plain, right? Okay, so I figured out that if I stand with my back to this cabinet, put the mirror up, angle it from my face and look at the reflection, I can reach forward, almost like behind the mirror, you touch what’s behind you. I swear, stop laughing. Try it.

See? Your arm doesn’t disappear or anything, but you can still feel. Rub that plush towel. I’m bougie, you can say it. Now, knock it down. Yeah, go ahead. See? It fell here. The whole quantum entanglement X and Y thing from earlier. Remarkable.

Yes, your exact thought right now is what I thought: can I bring it back? Like yay, an endless supply. Like the repeating “Rosebud!” cheat for unlimited money in The Sims. Sadly, not quite. It gets… caught? Like a fabric snag. But I can still move the thing I’m touching. So, like, push a table, throw a ball. Last week I opened a door. That was interesting.

But, back to the mirror. It acts like a viewing lens of sorts, right? I suppose by my infallible theory, I’m the entangled Y and the mirror reveals X. It feels like a very Blade Runner I’m-a-replica moment.

Oh!

Perhaps that’ll be my PhD: “Reflections: Are We the Entangled?” Catchy, right? But God, that’s deep. Think about that for a second. Earlier, I’m suggesting we ask who’s holding the mirror up to the universe, and now, my theory puts us as the EY, which displaces everything we know about our reality.

I need a drink before we go that deep. So, one thing at a time. But that shit’s cool, I don’t care what you say.

After seeing that, you believe me now, right? The towel fell here. How beautiful is that? No, I wasn’t even close enough to nudge it. You saw it fell from me reaching forward. You believe me, right? Okay, good. Because I’m hungry and want to try to score some free Chinese food. What? I’m on a budget. Think people with my science credentials have just cash to blow?

Right here is my favorite Chinese spot. Rotund Dragon. Their 16 and 27 are the best. Really the whole menu is. Sit on this bench here. Watch out, it might be cold, ya know, fall and all. I’m gonna go in, pretend to order, leave my bag in there, do the test, then ditch the original order. Hush, it’ll be fine. They’ll use it for the next order they’ll inevitably have since they’re fucking delicious. It’s just this once. I won’t do it again. I promise. This’ll be fun. We’re bonding. Besides, who knows if it’ll work. This is going into Schrödinger territory. You’ll see. Give me a bit…

Okay, order placed. Bag left. Now we’re going to sit here, act like we’re having fun. Well, I am having fun, aren’t you? Awesome. While they’re distracted by making our order, I’m gonna fill my bag. Watch and learn.

So, holding up the mirror like this I can see the bag, the to go boxes, and the Szechuan chicken, ooh, I don’t know if I want that or the General Tso’s. No, I always get that. This is an exciting moment, we are literally doing research for my dissertation, right here, right now, with you, I should get something exciting.

Oh my god, I can feel the chicken. Warm and gooey, ha. Alright, here’s a spatula. Interesting, it’s not floating like I thought it would. Like how the towel reacted? Hmm. Well, anyway, where’s the angle of the to go boxes, there we go, okay, and scoop, scoop… scoop. Whaddaya want? Gotcha. Coming right up. Few fortune cookies. Oops, dropped one. Oh well. Okay, now, slide them in my bag… and done.

My heart is beating so fast, feel that? Wow. Yours? I know, right? I feel electric. No. More than that. I feel like when Pikachu uses Thunderbolt. Shut up, you got the image I wanted.

Alright, get up and stretch or something, I’m going to go grab it. I’ll be right back.

Oh.

Shit!

My bag is heavier, oh my Jesus, but act casual. And look (!) I even bought our original order I was gonna ditch. What, with your moral compass and all. Let’s walk. Wind is picking up, I don’t like how the chill makes my eyes and nose run.

But, ha, I just thought of this, we’re now in our own little Schrödinger experiments: for me, is my bag heavier because I want it to be heavier or from food? And for you, which box is the stolen one or paid for one? You’ll love it. Alright, set it on the table, moment of truth. I’m gonna shit bricks.

Two of everything! Yes! Only one fortune cookie, oh yeah, oops, but that’s mine, sorry. I did drop it, but … well, you didn’t discover this. I deserve it, silly. Now. You’ll have to excuse me while I tear into this like a starved, feral animal. Oh my god, I love this. So good. This is like the best it’s ever been. Wait! It’s because it’s the X. Wow. We’ve been jipped all this time by being the Y. Well… are we the entangled like my potential dissertation suggests?

No, no, no, we’re not addressing that. You’re right. All the egg rolls went to my head. My food baby is clouding my judgement.

Oh! Yes. The fortune cookie. Ha. That’s funny. Listen, it says a cracked mirror reflects wrong. That’s new. And no lucky numbers on the back either. Isn’t it weird to get this the same day I discover this physics shortcut? Serendipitous. But, we’ll be careful and not crack this mirror. Or any.

Wanna go get into more mischief? Oh, c’mon. You see I’m legit, this idea’s legit. No, it’s not an idea, this is our new reality. A truer reality, the X. Ohmigod! That’s why math always asks us to find X. You think this is why mirrors are always on walls? Big Math found out the loophole and wants to prevent us from living our best life behind the mirror.

Well, that ain’t gonna happen. Let’s visit… a bank. Turn our Chinese food heist into something worthwhile. What? You’re going to develop a conscious now? Just stick with me until this cracked mirror omen you’re worried about happens or not.

Ooooh.

Wait.

I see now.

You’re Schrödingering me. Clever. Nope. No matter what you say, I won’t see it otherwise. I respect it. Hilarious. Alright, let’s get a bigger bag and head out. The bank is almost closed, perfect time for tellers to be lax and lazy. Come on.

Okay, here we are. The teller was an asshole to me last week. Let’s see how he fares with his drawer being a bit short. Oh, stop, it’s not like I’m taking the actual money. We got both sets of food, remember? It will be there for him,

Okay, angling him in the mirror, he’s counting. Will you hold the mirror for a sec, I’m getting all clammy and sweaty. I’m so excited and nervous. Why excited? Aren’t you? Look at the possibilities of how we can just help ourselves. We are the Robin Hood of Physics right now. Oh my god, I’m getting that on a plaque, hang it above my tenured desk at a university. God, I’m amazing. This is going to prove everyone who laughed…

What? Okay, whatever, I didn’t actually get any degrees, nor even have a desk, but have you ever dared to dream? Shut up. Just because it sounds corny doesn’t mean it doesn’t carry some sort of sentimental significance. Besides, you gotta look out for yourself right? Here, gimme back the mirror.

Give me back my mirror.

Give it.

Stop it, it’s harmless fun, sheesh. Just give it. C’mon, you’re gonna ruin my whole plan. And crack it! Know what? Fine. I’ll get another mirror, how about that?

That’s what I thought. Thank you.

I did not snatch it.

Okay, angling him in again. Good thing they didn’t see your silliness just now. Be sure to tell Clooney your moral compass points north if he asks you to join his Ocean’s team. Geez, watch more movies.

Shoot. I just realized we didn’t go in, I don’t have a bag or anything in there. Fuck. Lemme think for a sec…

Yes, there!

The last person. If I time it right maybe I can walk out with them. Hand out with them? Eh, semantics. Remember I said the door thing last week, that was interesting but difficult. Think I mastered it, though… Look, got the cash and I can just almost hover until they’re done. Alright, they’re going to the door… I feel the swoosh… and whoa, I feel the cold on my hand from the outside. This is bonkers. I think I have a stiffy right now.

You’re right, how do I… where do I put the money? Maybe my like back pocket? Angle myself in… look at that handsome face, I shoulda been a movie star, you’re right. I know you didn’t say it. But you were thinking it. Slip the money in my pocket…

That’s a weird sensation, though. Feeling your own ass through a mirror. My X ass. My better ass, by my theory. Haha!

Whoa…

Yeah, I felt the crack. And no, I don’t mean my own. It was funny, you can laugh. But seriously. Look. On the mirror. Like a hairline split right there. The omen? Yeah, I can see that, I guess. It almost feels like it. Please don’t leave me if it is, though. Thank you.

Look, nothing’s changed behind us. Tellers are there, desk debris, the bank sign, chairs, your face and my…

Wait.

Back of my head?

How is it the back…? Did you…? You’re seeing that, too, right? But everything else is the same. You move. But… I don’t. What voodoo shit did you do in the two seconds you had it. It must be a smudge from the Chinese food or something. Jesus. It’s not coming off. What the hell… why is it… why am I… Oh, hush about your fucking fortune cookie omen. Let’s go.

Now that we’re a few blocks away, let’s count. There’s so much here. And looks legit. Imagine what I could do with this. Chinese food is nothing. This is definitely monetizing a hobby. And my mom said I’d never amount to anything. Look at me now.

Hmm? No, I said what we could do with it. You misheard. It’s okay. My pulse is flooding my ear drums right now, I get it.

But. We can’t go willy nilly with this just yet. That’s how criminals get caught. Here, I’ll keep the cash safe.

Oh! It just hit me. I see your “bad omen” because… I’ll admit, I freaked out since my reflection is wrong. A moment of weakness. But what if we used the crack, the omen. I’m thinking we try to pull something out whereas we couldn’t before. We get the X. The better version. You agreed how much better the Chinese food tasted. Imagine me giving you that kind of access to that delicacy all the time.

Hmm?

No, I said imagine us having access. I think you’re just hearing wrong from adrenaline. It’s okay, we’re both excited. My nose? Oh, shit, it’s bleeding. I guess that happens sometimes when I’m… too excited? No big. Let’s head back to my place.

Fuck! Watch out! Jesus! Car almost ran me over, ran us over I mean. Are you okay? Goddamn asshole! You know what, where’s the mirror. I’m going to… get his reflection in the mirror… then… feel for the gas pedal. No, I’m not gonna do anything crazy, don’t worry. But… since he’s so keen on speed, a little acceleration, and he… just sails through the red light… and… oh, shut up. I doubt he felt anything. The semi was going pretty fast.

He tried to kill me! The least I could do was repay him. He tried to kill you, too, so I got him for us.

Oh, shut up about the goddamn bad omen! My mind is not poisoned from it. There’s no such thing. This is quantum entanglement, it doesn’t make sense in order to work! Every scientist know that. Oh, sure, throw back my not going to class in my face. But look, all those hours they studied and who is the one figuring it out? Don’t be jealous because I found X. Fuck! I have a splitting headache. Yes, I feel my fucking nose bleeding. Gimme your shirt. Because I don’t want to use mine.

Seriously? Are you that much of a baby? Big deal we took food and a little bit of money. I was hungry, the teller was an asshole, and he was going to run us over. If anything you should be thanking me for saving your life, you little shit. You seem to be all against it now, but who was excited for Chinese? You. Who liked the money? You. Oh, shut up, I saw the greed in your eye. And… you smiled a little bit when he got ran over. I saw you.

Oh.

That’s it, isn’t it?

I’m the one getting my hands dirty. And when it comes to you contributing to this QE discovery, you can’t even lend your shirt. Pathetic. You know what, maybe I want the better version of you.

Where are you in the reflection, here we go. Let me get X instead of dealing with this Y pansy. Feel that? Don’t pretend you don’t. You felt the towel, you ate the food. God, my fucking head is killing me. I’m going to bring version X back here. Maybe he and I will make you have a little traffic accident… The cops and ambulances will be here soon. Help them out by being in same area. How kind of you to be efficient in your last moments.

Crazy? Awe, the insult of someone who knows they’re in the wrong. It’s about time I get the best in life. I can amount to shit. I’m going to do so much with this. Too bad you won’t be on my side. Not how I thought our day would end.

Here goes…

Oof. You’re slimy. He’s slimy, I should say. But almost here. To the edge… and… what the fuck is that! Why is the hand red! Get it off! Help heeeelp, what the fuck! Don’t just stand there! It’s digging and clawing into my arm… fuuuuck.

Oh my god, thank you. Wow. Whaaaat the fuck. My arm fucking hurts. What was it? A goddamn demon bear hand? Look at the claw marks and outline. Ugh! My head is splitting. It is that bad. You don’t know what the hell it feels like! Who cares about your damn omen!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I…

I’m feeling all the things.

The pressure in my head is making me sick. My vision is spotty. I’ll need a doctor… eventually.

Right now, all I can think about is what that was. Of course I’m scared, look at what it did to me! But the crack flips everything about my discovery. Before, everything felt the same on both sides. Now? Well, you saw the claw. You’re also not that slimy… all the time.

Got a laugh ladies and gentlemen! Ouch, ooh, tender. I can’t swing this arm up for a while. But… you know, okay, I’ll relent on the bad omen part. My headaches, nosebleed, the demon bear claw… it’s probably exactly that. Think about the odds of me living my life the way I have, as amazing as I’ve been, and then getting that fortune cookie today. Haha. But what is physics but a bunch of rare chances occurring a lot.

Poetic, right? I thought of that just now. See? Look, you’re on board.

So, whaddaya say? Wanna help me figure out this omen?

Wanna step around the mirror with me?