Remember Her, Maiyko

TW: Mention of sharp objects, SH, and psych wards

March 8th . 2003 . Wednesday

""I forgive you."" 

That was the last thing that Maiyko had said to me before leaving into the woods. I still remember her outfit. I recommended a lot of the clothes she had.

The greenish-teal (her favorite color) plaid dress she had worn. The pink ribbon sash, tied neatly around her waist. 

The dress' hem caught the breeze, swaying slowly in the wind. 

Her hair kept untucking and she tucked it back into her ponytail.

The black tights with blue wavy lines decorating on it, pink knee-high boots with laces tied to look like a star. 

Tied to impress me.

And it did. Everything did.

I remember our first time together. We were young and nervous, both of us wondering if our outfit was nice enough. We were at Break the Ice at some plaza, I ordered tako boba and she ordered strawberry taiyaki with hot fudge and a pocky stick, and strawberry boba. 

That's how I knew she was bold. And that she liked strawberries. 

I started to like them too.

Maybe too bold, because I told her my secret, and eventually she was bold enough to leave me. 

That sounds threatening. I promise it isn't.

Am I being clingy? She left me. I know that, but I can't accept it, not right now. 

We're still students, we're still learning, we're still young and stupid. Maybe when we're older?

I think she's going to be a pirate for Halloween. I'm excited for Halloween, but I don't really know what I want to be. Maybe I'll be a sea kraken. She might like that.

I have to go. 

March 10th . 2003 . Friday

Today during class, she came in late and we were forced together for an activity. I hate activities and I hate Mr. Limelight. His name sucks and his class sucks. But it's my own fault for being so distant all the time, and I would've paired with somebody else. I could've picked somebody else. Somebody else that isn't her.

Maiyko acted normal but there was that sense of uncertainty that people always have when… well, uncertain. 

I guess her forgiveness wasn't the last thing that she said to me. The last thing she said to me was "I'm sorry." And left. She turned in our papers and left the class.

Oh, my previous entry was kind of a cliffhanger, huh? 

She would not give me another chance. Even if we are older.

Age does not erase your past.

I didn't like strawberries before I met her. I did not like a lot of things back then. But, I met her. And she liked all those things, and didn't know I did not. It would've ruined everything right off the bat if I had said anything. 

But I did not say anything and 

June 20th . 2003 . Tuesday

Dad found my knife. I told him it was for a project. Art class. That's why I left before.

It is not for a project.

He knew that.

Right now I am sitting in my patient room. It has a bed in the corner, which is where I am, and a closet that I put all my things in. There's a bathroom on the wall opposite of me. 

There used to be somebody else here but they were scared of me, and moved to another room.

I don't mind it here, but every so often somebody acts out and are pulled away, even if we're in a group session. 

I don't like my group session leader. She doesn't let me bring anything to our meetings. 

I don't think Maiyko knows where I am right now. She might not notice I've been gone at all. But I don't mind, because I'm sure she'll be happier with someone else. 

I didn't like strawberries before I met her. I didn't like a lot of things back then.

October 28th . 2003 . Tuesday

Today, I'm pretty sure there will be multiple bands playing at my school today. It's some special event, but I can't remember what it is. I can't remember much. But then I take pills, and it comes running back to me.

I would write things down during my pill time but they wanted me to take a nap.

I don't remember if my baby brother is born yet. He might be.

Was it a brother? Or am I having a sister? 

I'm not worried about it, because I probably will not be around them. Ever.

I will probably be stuck here forever.

That's what Jasmine said to me earlier at lunch, during which I noticed she's vegan. She's a really mean vegan. I don't know much about these places, and I'm unsure if we can stay for so long. 

Forever? Really? Jasmine says yes. Even though she's really mean, she's really pretty.

I have to take my pills.

October 31st . 2003 . Friday 

It's Halloween today.

What was I going to be again?

I can't remember. I can't remember much anymore.

Maiyko's face is still here. I can still hear her voice, but Jasmine's always drowns it out. Always.

I can't remember Maiyko's outfit that day anymore. 

A dress? Or some sort of shirt? I think she wore a skirt. Green skirt. I don't think she likes green. 

I wonder if she ever liked me. I thought she left because she didn't like girls. I know it's because of something else. But I only know that because I read my old entries.

September, I think . _______ . _______

They told me the date in the announcements but I did not hear it. I forget what it was yesterday. I can't do it today.

Jasmine stole my blanket and she got in trouble, but I didn't mind it. I wouldn't mind my smell in her bed. 

I wonder if she likes girls. Or if she likes me. I wonder if Maiyko liked me.

 _______ . _______ . _______

Yesterday, Jasmine did not eat. I've been noticing a lot of things about Jasmine. She has long, black pretty hair and really big blue eyes. 

They kind of scare me when she looks right into my eyes. That's probably what she wants. 

I think that she secretly likes me, but maybe that's just me being biased. 

I wish she was nicer, but she's the only one that talks to me here. 

I miss my dog. 

He's a golden retriever puppy, and he loved me a lot. I loved him a lot, too. 

I regret Maiyko's death. I regret making her up and destroying her.

I am sorry, Maiyko. 

I loved you.