Gaslight Contest

Callie was on the sofa when Phil walked through the door.

“What the hell is that?” he said.

A small brown and white dog sat on her lap. A wire kennel rested on the floor, its door open. The pup looked at Phil with what appeared to be a frown.

“What do you mean, what’s that. It’s a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, of course. Don’t you even know what they sold you?”

“Who sold me? I didn’t buy anything.”

“Oh, come on. Where else did Beauregard come from? You like that name? Beauregard?”

“So you’re telling me you just came home from work and this animal was in the living room?”

Phil took the chair across the coffee table from his girlfriend. Beauregard followed his steps then dropped his head back on Callie’s lap.

“Of course it was here. You don’t have to pretend you didn’t do it, Phil. It was a nice thing. It’s okay to be nice and take credit for it.”

She grinned and added, “I know you’re not the jerk you sometimes pretend to be.”

“I’d be the first to take credit if I actually did it. But you know I wouldn’t do something like that. As much as we talked about it, that we aren’t ready for a dog right now. Not in this apartment, anyway.”

“We did, but it’s okay that you changed your mind. And I’m impressed that you remembered how much I like a Cavalier King Charles. It’s just what I would have chosen.”

Phil rested his chin on his fists and stared at the animal. The dog was content with Callie and didn’t stare back.

Phil suddenly jerked himself straight upright.

“Shit!” he said. “It was you! You bought that damned animal yourself, didn’t you. You just decided to go ahead, despite what we agreed on. You figured once it was here, I’d have to go along.”

“Phil! How can you say such a thing?”

“But it’s true, isn’t it?”

“Of course not. Sure, it hurts that we can't have a dog, but I would never go around you like that.”

“Yeah, right. How about the way you went around me just last week. That dinner date with your parents to that Italian place we can't afford.”

“How often have I done that? And I thought you’d be pleased, the way you talked about that restaurant.”

“Some pleasure, with them watching my every move to catch me saying the wrong thing or lifting my fork incorrectly.”

“You should talk about going around backs, Phil. What about when I wasn’t here and you invited your buddies over for poker. Then you tried to ...”

Callie’s eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. Beauregard glanced up, his spaniel expression unchanged.

“Oh my God!” she said. “I know what’s going on here. You’re doing this on purpose. You brought that dog in here, and now you’re denying it. Is this some kind of sick joke? Are you playing a game with me? Or trying to start a fight?”

Phil stared at her as if she’d just handed him a turd.

“What?” he said. “That’s absurd. Why the fuck would I do something like that?”

“You tell me. Why the fuck indeed?”

“I didn’t do it, that’s why. I should be the one to ask you why you’re doing what you are.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Callie said. “But if I did, I’d at least have a reason. Namely, that you’re sneaky and devious. My sister told me not to trust you. Not to move in with you. God, I wish I’d listened.”

“I’m sneaky? Who’s off with her friends for girl’s night every time I turn around.” He put air quotes around “girls night” and loaded the words with sarcasm.

“We go out once a week if that. And if you don’t trust me to have a drink with the girls, it says more about you than it does me.”

Phil stood and pointed at the spaniel.

“Let’s get back to the subject. You’re seriously telling me that you came home and there was a dog waiting here. And not just any dog, but exactly the kind you wanted. And rather than admit that you bought it, you come up with some cockamamie bullshit about how I’m trying to con you. If nothing else, I’m impressed by your creativity.”

“If anyone around here is flinging bullshit, it’s you. I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but I’ve had about enough of you and your games.”

“I can put up with a lot,” Phil said. “But what I can’t put up with is you not being straight with me.”

He pivoted and headed toward the bedroom.

“Just where do you think you’re going?”

“To get my jacket. It’s cooling off outside.”

“That’s right, big man. Start a fight and then run away.”

“I didn’t start this. The person who brought that dog in here started it.”

“Oh, really? And who might that be?”

Phil returned from the bedroom, jacket in hand, and he jerked open the front door and left.

“Don’t come back until you’re ready to confess!” Callie shouted at the slamming door.

Beauregard, who had been glancing around with what humans might interpret as curiosity, put his head back on Callie lap and lay motionless.

Phil did come back, and he wasn’t ready to confess, at least not to buying the dog. He was more than willing to confess to having consumed a few beers.

“Nice of you to show up,” Callie said.

She shook two handfuls of Phil’s underwear at him, then she tossed most of it on the pile on the living room floor. The pile overflowed a flopped-open suitcase. A half-empty bottle of wine rested on the coffee table. She threw the last pair of undershorts at Phil’s face. Beauregard didn’t react, but lay on the floor with his chin on his paws.

“Real mature,” Phil said. “If you want to call it quits, at least come right out and say so.”

“Me? You’re the one who’s trying to break us up, you and your stunt with the dog.”

“You’re still trying to lay that on me, are you? If you can make up crap like that, you’ve missed your calling. You ought to be creating stories for daytime TV.”

“You tell me what else to think. I get home and here’s this kennel with a dog in it. I didn’t put it there. Beauregard didn’t put himself there. The Easter bunny didn’t bring him. If you didn’t put that dog there, no one did. I should be asking you to come right out and say you want to break up.”

Beauregard had raised his head, and he looked back and forth at the couple as they argued.

“So this is it, then?” Phil said. “We’re breaking up? You pulled that poor dog into this just to end our relationship?”

“You bet your lying ass we’re breaking up, buddy boy. But it wasn’t my idea; it’s yours. And you know as well as I do that I’m not the one who brought Beauregard into this.”

“God, I’ll never figure out what goes on in the minds of women like you, not if I live to be a zillion.”

Beauregard roused himself and shuffled over to the pile of clothes. He plopped atop it and settled himself in.

“If I’d thought of it first,” Callie said, “I’d have played the game that you did. Only with that Xbox you’ve been whining for. Set it up right there in front of the TV and pretend to know nothing about it.”

“If I’d thought of it first, I’d have bought it myself. At least I would have got a new Xbox out of the deal.”

“Well, at least I got a new buddy out of this deal. Somebody better than you.”