The Wait

Theo glanced out the window. The shadows had shifted. Was it afternoon already? He hadn’t noticed the time. It had been the glimmer of sun through the trees that had caught his attention; he loved this light. The warm golden glow of summer was just beginning to slant a little, sitting lower on the horizon and setting off the hints of amber that would soon dominate the oaks in the yard. The shadows were subtly stretching ever so slightly longer than just a week ago. This time of year removed any doubts Theo had about the existence of divine providence in the universe. That golden light on golden leaves- angled long and low so the rays could back-light the trees and illuminate the foliage with a transparent radiance. That couldn’t be a coincidence. It was the work of an artist.

He wished Grace were home to see it. She loved the fall too. He stared out the window, envisioning the cozy evenings they would soon share, nestled under blankets, watching movies, playing games, or drinking tea. It would be magical. It would be perfect. How had he been so lucky as to have a girl like Grace choose him? She was funny and smart. Sophisticated enough to read poetry in the evenings, down to earth enough that she wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. She built things, she painted. She was a whirlwind of energy and found joy in the simplest of moments. Her laughter was like music, and her smile -her smile was like the very air in his lungs.

Shaking himself from his reverie, he finally glanced at the clock. It was almost 4. He was surprised she wasn’t home yet. This wasn’t the first time she’d been late recently, and he sighed at the sting of insignificance he felt. It wasn’t her fault. He knew that. She was busy this time of year. He’d seen the small mountain of papers she’d been bringing home to work on for the last few weeks. Guilt washed over him; it wasn’t reasonable to be jealous of her time. She had responsibilities. He was proud of all that she had accomplished.

Still, he sometimes thought fondly of the early days of their relationship, the pandemic days. Of course, it had been terrible and tragic for many reasons, but that’s when they had met. Love at first sigh,t you might say. And they had become immediately inseparable. During the pandemic, they’d both been home all the time. They’d both had nowhere to go, no one to meet, nothing to do. Just time together. It was nonstop movies, books, tea, and homemade cookies. When she’d felt a little antsy, as she sometimes did, they’d taken walks around the block or to the park. They’d watched the ducks, swung on the swing set, enjoyed the solitude. They’d spent nearly every minute together, and he had loved every single second of it. Never, not once, had he wished for a little more space. And she had seemed to feel the same. Of course, they hadn’t been together long, and everything was still brand new and shiny, the way things always are in the beginning. For him, everything still felt that way. But for her, sometimes he wondered.

He shouldn’t wonder. She loved him. He knew she loved him. She told him all the time. She showed him all the time. He couldn’t blame her for having other obligations. She was supposed to have other obligations. Maybe the real issue was just that he didn’t. He kept himself occupied, of course, but didn’t really, technically have an occupation per se. He enjoyed the freedom, the space to let his mind wander. He had always been more of a thinker than a doer. It was in his nature, and Grace had always known that. She loved him anyway. They complemented each other in a sense- yin and yang. She lived with her head in the clouds, and he anchored her to the earth. When she was lost in a storm of her emotions, he was steady and reliable. They balanced one another.

In truth, he sometimes worried that she would come completely unmoored without him to anchor her. He grimaced as he recalled some of her bigger emotional storms. They weren’t constant; she wasn’t like that. But she did feel things deeply, and like most passionate people, those feelings sometimes erupted. There had been a handful of moments during their years together when the same energy that usually gave her so much vibrance and joy had briefly transformed into something dark. In those moments, he barely recognized her. The rage. The fury. The abject sorrow. He shuddered, remembering the last time. For just one moment, a fraction of a second really, he had thought she might actually try to hurt him. It wasn’t a side of her he saw often, and in fact, he’d seen it much less often over the past year or two. He hoped he never would again. It did frighten him a bit. Not enough to leave, though. He hadn’t considered it. Never for a moment. He knew down to his core that when she lost control like that, always, always, he would be able to bring her back to herself. And who would he even be without her? No one. He might just cease to be at all without. How could there be a Theo without Grace?

While he generally didn’t like dwelling on those dark moments, they were at least a reminder that he did actually bring something valuable to this relationship. She needed him just as much as he needed her. They anchored each other, really. No one would ever understand her the way he did. No one else could ever love her so much. And no one else had or ever would love him the way Grace did. He was certain of it. They were meant for each other, that much had been clear from the moment they locked eyes in the store where they met.

A few rays of the low sun had infiltrated the room, creeping across the floor. Theo noted the longer, deepening shadows and glanced at the clock. She still wasn’t home. Had he actually spent the entire afternoon trying to convince himself that he and Grace were going to be okay? Of course they were. They were Theo and Grace. They were inseparable. So, why couldn’t he stop thinking about this? Where had this gnawing feeling of unease come from? She had been gone a lot lately. He knew he shouldn’t read too much into that, though. She was busy. But also, she had seemed to be taking her time getting home lately. Not always. But, this wasn’t the first time he had been left wondering where, exactly, she was as evening rolled in.

She should have been home hours ago. He didn’t mind if she wanted to spend time with her friends, of course. But she could have let him know, just so he wouldn’t be left at home wondering, worrying. Better yet, she could have brought him along. Theo wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, and Grace’s friends weren’t quite his friends, but he really didn’t mind tagging along. Whatever made Grace happy made him happy; he just wanted to be there. To be with her. Would that be so bad? Just to bring him? Just to tell him where she was? That gnawing feeling returned. She hadn’t brought him to hang out with her friends in a while. A long while, actually. Why not?

The sunbeam had crept further now and was nearly shining in his eyes. He felt the heat of it on his body. He sighed at the warmth, glancing down to see his striped t-shirt glowing in the amber rays. With the light shining like this, he couldn’t help but notice it was beginning to look a bit threadbare. It was comfortable, though, so what was wrong with that? Newer isn’t always better. He preferred things comfortable and broken in.

He felt the defensiveness in his own thoughts. There it was. The source. He sighed as he glanced down to give himself a more honest appraisal- his threadbare shirt was doing a poor job of covering his round belly. He was reasonably confident he hadn’t always been so… flabby. Floppy even. He really didn’t mind for himself. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone. But did Grace care that he was getting a little worse for wear? She’d never said so, but is that why she’d stop bringing him around her friends?

Was Grace ashamed of him? There it was. The fear that had been percolating in the back of his mind for weeks now, maybe months. Was she embarrassed to be seen with him? You can love someone even if you aren’t proud of them, can’t you? Theo felt queasy as he heard the slam of the car door. Grace was home.

Relief at her return warred with an ache in his chest over what he felt certain was a truth he had been hiding from himself. He pondered their next conversation. He couldn’t ask her. He didn’t even want to ask her. He needed to collect his thoughts for a moment. He did not feel well. Just then, he heard her voice in the living room. Who was she talking to? Her mom? Something felt off. Was someone with her? He lay on the bed, wishing he could take deep breaths, telling himself that everything would be fine. This was Grace, and she loved him no matter what. If there was one thing he was certain of, it was that.

The bedroom door opened abruptly, and from where he lay, he caught sight of her profile and golden ponytail as she whirled into the room. Dropping her bag, she turned and went straight back into the hallway, without sparing a glance in his direction. She shut the door behind her, and he heard the sound of her steps retreating.

She hadn’t even looked at him. Had she even noticed him? She hadn’t spoken a word to him. No hug. No kiss. Not a word. Could this really be happening? The ache is his chest intensified as if a small fissure had opened up in his soul.

He listened to her voice further down the hall, an excited jumble of words. Laughter spilling over into her sentences, the way it did when she was excited. She was not talking to her mother. She had brought someone over and hadn’t even introduced him, as if she had forgotten he even existed.

The nausea returned with a vengeance, and Theo felt the hairline crack in his heart widen- his greatest fear coming to land in the middle of his chest. The pain in his heart - yes, actual, physical pain, he was sure, began to turn cold. It was replaced by a numbness. A hollowness. A stillness. He was nothing without Grace. He was no one without Grace.

She hadn’t even looked at him.

A moment later -or was it more?- he heard her quick footsteps returning down the hall, and the bedroom door flew open. This time, she was looking right at him, and she was smiling. “Theo! I almost forgot about you! Come meet my friend!”

His heart thawed, repaired itself, seemed to beat again. She had crossed the room in three steps and already had him in her arms as he registered the feeling of life returning to him. She squeezed him close, then kissed his head, his face, his button eyes. She loved him. That was all that mattered.

She tucked him under one arm and left the room in the same whirl she had entered, skipping down the hall.

"I love you," thought Theo.