Out of Touch with My Reality

Prompt: write a story that includes the question “Who are you?” or, “Are you real?” It also includes Prompts about a story that ends without answers or certainty, a message that could change the changes their life forever and something that doesn’t go to plan.

Out of Touch with My Reality

The weather outside was cold and wretched reflecting how I had been feeling these days. I could find no sense of joy over the last several weeks from any kind of work or social indulgence. For that matter, my life has been full of inconsistencies and poor decisions. My head was always aching in part due to my failure to make strong commitments. I had been labeled by so-called friends and some family as being indecisive with regard to matters in my life. I was spiraling into a deep depression. I couldn’t figure why this was happening to me. I had my life all planned out or so I believed. I was confident about my career path, the friends I associated with, and especially my relationship with the love of my life, Kirstin. Acquaintances, however, noticed that my choices were becoming more reckless and self -defeating. But I refused to believe them.

I shifted my laments with the hope of avoiding the issue of my mental state. But I began to reminisce about my college days. Groping for a reason to explain my condition, I recalled some facts from an entry level psychology class I had taken freshman year. Many people who entered into this state have a difficult time expressing a reason for their depression. Science points to chemical imbalances in the brain possibly triggered by emotional trauma, deteriorating relationships, sexual abuse, or even the weather. The standard response from the experts, however, is that causation varies from person to person. So, I was unique, but the bottles of pills on my desk were a generic solution to any kind of depression.

Nevertheless, I had a few ideas why I was feeling so poorly. In addition to the pills, my psychiatrist told me to journal my thoughts into a book and then share them with her in a month at my next appointment. I wondered if I could last that long. All I had to do was look in the mirror to view my unkempt appearance. I had not shaved in days. I had rings under my eyes from my lack of sleep. Plus, they had sunken deep into my eye sockets. My gums were bleeding from my nonchalant attitude towards dental hygiene. I thought to myself “how could I let myself get so bad?”

I sat on the edge of my bed in anguish holding my head propped up by my arms. I let me mind slip into a trance. I thought I was alone, but I heard a whisper. I raised my head to see if it was my phone or some other electronic device calling out to me.

The voice was saying, “Plans, plans, plans. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”(1) The voice continued, “You need to pull yourself together man! Your life is crumbling in front of you. You’ve overextended yourself. You are a miserable wretch.”

I frantically looked around for the source of the voice. I cried, “Who are you? Where are you? What do you want with me? Show yourself!”

The disembodied voice responded, “When the time is right, I will make myself known to you. But for now, I am deeply rooted in your subconscious. I will provide you with the necessary guidance.”

Thinking the voice was listening to me, I said “This is not helping my depression! I must be losing my mind. Am I hallucinating? Is this a psychotic break I am experiencing? Ok, I do agree I have overreached on my career aspirations, and, the friends I’ve made are way out of my league. But certainly, my girlfriend is not at a level beyond me. She is my guiding light, my true love. We each know that we were meant to be joined together. Call it fate or call it karma or even divine providence. I had discovered that Kirstin loves me so much she started planning our wedding even before any proposal from me. She has my heart and I have hers. I truly believe she loves me and my love for her is unwavering.”

After I had said that about Kirstin, I was having my doubts. Was I imagining she deeply loves me? Maybe those wedding plans she had planned were done long before she met me? Maybe I imagined the bond we have is just that…imagined.

“So, why is this happening to me now? Why?” My inner voice remained silent. So much for some needed advice and answering my question. I put the whole matter out of my head at least for the short term. I found some inner strength to clean myself up for my job I have at the Board of Trade downtown. A quick glance in the mirror still revealed vestiges of my disheveled state.

Fortunately, as my day progressed, I had forgotten about my subconscious reprimand concerning my depression. I was feeling somewhat better suppressing my “self-pity” attitude. Kirstin was at the top of my mind. I needed to find a moment to call her. I had not seen or talked with her for days. I wondered if suppressing my feelings toward her caused my breakdown further into our relationship. In the process did I alienate her from me? Ignoring her, plus with chaotic workdays my mental health had deteriorated. For the moment, I put these thoughts aside. I was actually feeling somewhat better as I headed home.

Unfortunately, my fleeting respite was cut short when I entered my apartment. As I sat on my bed, the inner voice returned. It spouted at me with vicious words in an accusatory voice.

“So, you think you can squelch your inner voice by keeping busy at work and being all dreamy about your girlfriend? You are a fool. But a fool who I don’t plan on leaving yet. You need my intervention. I think it’s time for me to make my appearance.”

In a crackly voice I stuttered, “Are you a ghost? I demand to know just who you are!"

There were flashes of light. Shortly afterwards I smelled sulfur and smoke A figure appeared before me in a dazzling bright light. Once my eyes adjusted, I could see the being as an angel of light. I was petrified. I stammered again, “Who are you? Are you real? Am I imaging this?”

The angel spoke to me. “Listen to me. The destiny of your soul is in your hands. You have made questionable decisions all your life. I have been charged with the task of giving you a written message. It is for you to read.

I took the folded message. My anxiety overwhelmed me. I speculated was this a message from God, or an ominous threat from the angel of light. Was this a message of affirmation or rejection from Kirstin? Could it be a termination note from my employer? Oh, my depression and indecision paralyzed me.

I looked at the pills on my desk. As I got up off the bed, I fumbled the message, and it fell to the floor.

-END-

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

Psalms 34:18 NLT

“These people are false apostles. They are deceitful workers who disguise themselves as apostles of Christ. But I am not surprised! Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”

2 Corinthians 11:13-14 NLT

“You may be asking why I changed my plan. Do you think I make my plans carelessly? Do you think I am like people of the world who say “Yes” when they really mean “No”? As surely as God is faithful, our word to you does not waver between “Yes” and “No.” For Jesus Christ, the Son of God, does not waver between “Yes” and “No.” He is the one whom Silas, Timothy, and I preached to you, and as God’s ultimate “Yes,” he always does what he says.”

2 Corinthians 1:17-19 NLT

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28 NLT

Robert Burns from “To a Mouse” 1786.