I should have known better

               I should have known better when I thought turning 18 would go smoothly like it would for the rest of my peers and that I believed that my aunt came out of the woodwork claiming that she wanted to take care of me and wanted me to live with her. See, I have a neuromuscular disorder and it causes my brain and nerves not to be able to communicate which causes a complete lack of movement in all my limbs but the only things that I can move are my neck and mouth. Praise God and thank God that I can communicate with others my needs and thoughts but although, the devil didn’t get to capture my communication ability, God let him have my ability to move my body anatomically. My disability causes me to need a wheelchair and ventilator to live a meaningful and as close to “normal life” as possible because my vent or ventilator is a machine that helps me breathe and most people became familiar with them in 2020. People basically became introduced to it as life support when it came to Covid-19 which was terrifying for so many but so frustrating for those using respiratory aids as a normal part of their daily life. I acknowledge that Covid created so much legitimate fear and dramatization that it heightened the intensity of being  and living a medically complex life. The wheelchair is a power one that I can move with a joystick that I can manipulate with my mouth so that I can live a life as close to full of independence as possible thankfully.

             My aunt came around at the most convenient time when I was just about to turn 18 in 2015 and was about to age out of foster care thankfully but fearfully simultaneously. The foster care agency told me that they would find a place for me to go at the age of 17 so my aunt originally sliding this offer onto my plate trying to serve it like a scrumptious and appetizing steak didn’t affect me and I wasn’t really enticed. I avoided answering her when she brought it up at the graduation party that she helped throw me and not until the foster agency broke the news that they didn’t find me a place to live in the middle of July is when I started taking it into consideration. I would soon be residing in the hospital because my foster parent’s license expired in early August and we agreed that I needed to leave at 18. We were both equally tired of each other and needed to be done with each other because they were emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive and I stood up for myself so they didn’t like that which majority of abusers don’t. the foster care agency ended up sending me to a group home with all men who had developmental mental health issues as residents and tried to make me stay there. My nurse was advocating for me to my mom about the harmful circumstances and environment this would be and knew my mom would stand up for me because my dad wasn’t gonna take charge of the situation even though he was physically present. She wasn’t even physically there but thank God that He helped her move mountains that day over the phone.  Thank God that my mom raised hell that I wasn’t staying there with how unsafe it was.

I ended up at one of my childhood hospitals in the adult section and I was learning to have hope that the hospital could find me a safe alternative in Michigan like an Olympic sport until they told me that they couldn’t find anywhere else to go. It was very heavy balancing the fact that I was now homeless living in a hospital and that I could finally be living with my family. It was a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness setting in knowing that a broken system that I don’t matter and communicated to me that it really doesn’t care about the wellbeing of my existence. This wasn’t without and alongside the very real weight that she hadn’t been present steadily in my life and there was no consistent communication between us before now. This did cause a normal countless number of logical questions like “Why is she coming around now, “Why is she just coming around now, can this be benefiting her now somehow and how?? Could this be the worst decision of my life moving to another state from everything that I knew and was familiar with and how could it negatively impact me but how could it also be the best decision of my life and impact me in the best way possible? I was taking my time as I was grieving the life that I abruptly no longer live now and making the new life that I could now have living with my family again because it’s a big decision so rightfully so. My aunt started reaching out intensely and frequently pressuring me into responding and making a decision which should have been my first red flag. I knew in my heart that God was trying to get my attention because it didn’t sit right in my spirit and I felt uneasy about the decision and nothing that is a blessing or is God sent will make you feel uneasy. My mom tried to talk me out of it telling me that she probably only wanted me for the money because she was an allegedly “recovered” drug addict but I didn’t want to believe it so I didn’t listen.

I ended up telling her yes because I didn’t want to block what could have potentially been a blessing living with family again after so long since it was something that my heart had been yearning and longing for. I also didn’t want to say no and let my grandma who was volunteering as my second caregiver because hospitals require those on ventilators to have two trained as a state requirement when you’re on a ventilator. My aunt came to Michigan from Indiana to train and the training went well but some things were red flags and then a big red flag happened after she left involving the money. The money that I raised by my GoFundMe to get me a handicapped accessible vehicle and the money mysteriously disappeared although it was going straight into her bank account. Two or three separate dates were set for me to go with her and they all ended up falling through and I think that was God protecting me.

My mom even called the hospital social worker pleading with her not to let me go with her because of her identity theft and drug abuse patterns. They didn’t listen to her and let me go anyway and I was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused by her not too long after. I stood up for myself and now live in a medical facility for people on ventilator but it definitely doesn’t come without the sting and constant what I did so wrong to deserve it and what I could’ve done differently. If I could give anyone advice, it’s if you’re trying to make a decision and take all advice and decisions to the Man upstairs, God, and use discernment but also wait for His answer which is the hardest part.