When the Frost Bites

You can do it Esther. Just a few more steps until you reach the stairs. The encouragement is fleeting the longer I drudge through the almost knee-deep snow, but I’ve already made it more than halfway so I’m not turning back. Thank goodness for the extra layers I put on before I left home or I would’ve said to hell with this. The woods are great and all, but in the middle of winter I don’t feel the same about them. Now that I’m really thinking about it, I don’t even know why I accepted Candace’s invitation in the first place. 

I take it slow going up the stairs when I make it to them. The wood is old, at least from what I can see, and they creek with every step I take. Not to mention there’s probably patches of ice all over. Majority of the patio is covered with snow so I can’t tell. 

Last one. I take the final stride and stomp my feet on the welcome mat before knocking on the worn house door. An overweight man with a poor comb over and the stench of beer on his breath immediately opens it. 

“They told me one more person was coming,” he smiles devilishly, “how you doin’?” He looks me up and down before chugging the beer he had hiding behind his leg. I say nothing so he quickly grows bored of me. “Well c’mon in darlin’, you’re letting all the warm air out.” He steps to the side to make room for me to go past, so I hurry by him.

The cold-ridden house heats my body like a furnace as soon as I cross the threshold. I wait until the door is closed before taking off my outer coat, but when I notice the creepy guy’s eyes on me I grow self-conscious. I decide to leave the rest of my layers on, except for my cap. I take it off and give my long honey brown hair a quick shake out of habit, but the man cracks another unnerving smile that makes me want to cower inside the rest of my clothes.

“Esther!” I hear Candace call as she runs to me from across the room. Her skinny arms are open wide and ready for a hug while her brunette hair flows like a cape in the wind. I imagine her coming to save the day, or at least the moment.

“It’s been too long, how have you been?” She asks as she wraps her arms around me, but I’m reluctant to hug her back. I hope she doesn’t notice my lack of enthusiasm, but it’s only been a year. Did she really miss me that much or is this all for show? It’s not like we were that close. I mean I saw her around because she was my brother’s girlfriend for a little while, but that was until…

“I’m doing good. Just, you know, livin’” I chuckle a bit, but it doesn’t seem like she finds my response funny. 

“Well, aren’t we just glad for that,” her words mean well, but I can’t help but detect a hint of sarcasm. Before I can respond she introduces me to the creep still standing by the door, drinking his beer.

“This is Winston, nobody important really so let’s meet everyone else.”

“Hey!—” he calls as Candace grabs my hand and wisps me into the other room. I’m caught off guard but grateful for the intrusion as long as I’m separated from the drunken porter. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of uncomfortable encounters with men who think too highly of themselves or too little of me, so I can tell when a man means me harm but this guy is harmless.

“Everyone this is Esther. She’s one of my best friends from high school, and even though we haven’t talked for the past year I’m so grateful she was able to come to my birthday party!” Candace finishes her introduction with a squeal. I just smile and wave awkwardly to the 4 people sitting at the round wooden table in front of me.

“I remember you being more talkative Esther, what happened to you?” Candace asks releasing my arm to take a seat. She motions for me to sit in the empty chair next to her. 

“I guess I just haven’t been the same since my brother died last year,” I admit outright. I can tell Candace is shocked, but I decide to let it play out to see what she says. Maybe she’ll confess why she invited me here, or maybe ask for forgiveness for missing his funeral even though they were so in love.

“Oh my gosh Esther, I wasn’t even thinking about that. I’m so sorry, how have you been holding up?” She slides her arm across the table and gently rests it on my hand. A comforting gesture, but also a very much unwanted one.

“Yea, I’ve been doing fine. We don’t have to make a big deal about it.” I sit uncomfortably for a moment before pulling my hand away to tuck some hair behind my ear.

“Oh yea, of course. Well, where are my manners. Esther this is Margaret, Amber, Timothy and Jasper.” She moves from right to left pointing to each person as she calls out their names.

Margaret has short black hair and jade green eyes with a pointy nose and small ears— she reminds me of a cat. She reaches her hand across the table to shake and I meet her in the middle.

Amber has chocolate colored skin and a curly afro that kisses the top of her shoulders. She gives me a wave before reaching into the cooler next to her and pulling out two beers. One for her and the other she offers to me.

“Sure I’ll take one, thanks” I say as I take the cool can in my hand. I don’t see the harm in having a couple of beers while I’m here; It might help me relax a bit more.

Timothy seems pleased with my decision because he cracks a bright smile when I go to open it. He is handsome, with sun-kissed skin and short curly blonde hair, so I blush when our eyes meet, but quickly look away.

Jasper is the mysterious one out of the bunch, he is olive toned with dark brown eyes and shoulder length black hair. He just gives me a quick glance, and goes back to fondling the drink in front of him. Which is fine.

 “It’s nice to meet you all” I formally say before taking my first drink of the ice cold beer, and we begin the first of many conversations.

A couple hours later, I’m finishing beer number two and comfortably talking around a cozy fire in the next room. I’ve come out of my sweatshirt and am down to my last 2 layers: my flannel and long sleeve. I’m not worried about Winston the Porter anymore since no one’s seen him since I got here. We assumed he passed out in one of the back rooms or something, so I’m relaxed and enjoying the company.

Margaret and Jasper have also disappeared to one of the back bedrooms, doing what one can only assume they’re doing. Which led to talking about couples in horror movies and currently if we had any true crime stories of our own.

“—but it was the weirdest thing because John carried that thing around everywhere, so when it came up missing everyone started spreading rumors about what had happened and who did what—” Candace is in the middle of recounting a story to Timothy and Amber about a kid in our graduating class. 

John was a pretty cool kid, and always walked around with this switchblade until one day it came up missing while we were at lunch. He made a huge fuss about it asking everyone if they saw it until the teachers found out and gave him a scolding for even bringing it onto school grounds.

“—So eventually he stops worrying about it, stops asking about it until one day the cops show up at school and arrest him.” 

“What!?” “No way!” Timothy and Amber are completely immersed when I get up to grab another beer.

“Yes, turns out the guy never did lose the knife, that was just his big cover up before gutting the principals cat in the football field behind school. He claimed someone was framing him, but he could never prove it.” 

“No freakin way!” “The guy sounds like a sicko!” Both Timothy and Amber take a quick swig of their beers as they try to keep up with the story. 

“Yes, turns out the blade was stashed at his house the whole time, covered in blood. Obvious suspect. Anyways, they sent him off to jail and that was the last we heard of him.” Candace took a long satisfying drink of her beer to conclude her story.

“I can’t believe you guys went to school with someone like that. That must’ve been a crazy investigation.” Amber exclaims with wide eyes and utter disbelief. 

“I mean, they even went back and forth about it. You would think if they found the bloody knife the second time around they should’ve found it the first. What made them circle back to him?” Candace and I glance at each other, unsure of who will say what, and just as I take a breath to speak Candace beats me to it.

“Well, John also killed Eddie—Esther’s brother.” I wince at the mention of my brother’s name and a feeling arises inside of me that I haven’t felt in months. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to mention him…” Candace clearly regrets bringing up the “John” story in the first place; if she wouldn’t have said anything we wouldn’t have gotten on this topic. 

“Oh I’m so sorry Esther. I didn’t realize.” I look into Amber’s apologetic eyes and push away the deep emotions welling inside of me, determined not to give into the darkness that consumed me for so long. I shake my head and manage a small grin.

“It’s ok, really” I assure them right before chugging the rest of my beer. The cool liquid sloshing down relaxes my body and quenches the dry feeling in my mouth. I spill a little on my chin, but immediately wipe it off after I finish the last drop.

“I’m just going to use the restroom real quick.” I stand before anyone can respond and make a quick trot down the hall and through the first door on the right. I can hear the girls talking under their breath to each other, probably gossiping about me and my fucked up family history, just as I close the door and turn on the light.

I put my hands on the edge of the sink and look at my reflection in the mirror. I’m not sure if it’s the beer or story time that has me feeling off, but I feel a fog cover my brain and my eyes darken as I stare into them.

What is this feeling? For now, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, pushing my thoughts aside, and after a couple of minutes decide to rejoin the group in the living room. 

Candace is whispering something to Amber when I come around the corner but stops and clears her throat when she sees me. The feeling I’m trying to push away quickly creeps back in and I start to recognize its form, it’s enticing comfort and familiarity.

“You know what, I think I’m going to head out” I say suddenly. The girls look caught off guard, and honestly I am too. I had planned to finish out the evening, but something’s telling me I need to leave now.

“Oh, well, I’m sorry you have to leave. Is everything ok? You’re not leaving because we brought up your brother are you? Because we’re sorry about that.” Candace stands from her seat on the floor and puts her hands on both my shoulders. Amber stands but doesn’t move from her place by the fireplace while Timothy has passed out on the couch.

“Yea, no, everything’s ok, I just- I just don’t want to be on the road too late. Especially with the snow and all. You know,” I move out of Candace’s reach and head to the front door to put my hat and jacket back on. As I’m dressing I hear Candace walk up behind me.

“You’re not the only one that misses him you know,” she says candidly, but softly. I whip my head around to look her in the eyes to consider what she says next.

“I mean I understand he was your brother, but he was my boyfriend and I miss him everyday too. And I only say that because I want you to know that I understand what you’re going through and that I’m here for you. Hopefully we can keep in touch?” 

She seems sincere but I can’t help but wonder what Candace’s motive is. It’s been almost a year and now she wants to be close? We didn’t even talk to each other when she was with my brother, so why now? Is she for real? The feeling that was welling up inside me begins to spread into my limbs and face. 

“After all this time, you want to be cool now?” I scoff at Candace who’s a little taken aback by my response. I wonder if that was too harsh or if she’s just being sensitive. I don’t care either way because it felt good to say exactly what I wanted to say and not what I should for once.

“You know what maybe you should leave now” Candace snaps as she reaches for the door and opens it for me. She bumps me slightly when she gets close, as if a challenge to see how far I’m willing to go, but I decide against retaliating. For now.

“Have a happy birthday Candace,” I say as I cross the threshold back into the cold winter air. I turn to say once last thing just as my face meets the cold wooden force of the closing door. I feel a warm gush of liquid begin to pour down my chin and realize this bitch just busted my nose. 

I stumble back on the patio and slip on a patch of ice falling right next to the top of the stairs. I hear laughter erupt from inside the house and look up just in time to see Candace and Amber laughing at me through the window.

“That’s what you get bitch!” I hear Candace yell before walking away. I couldn’t help but lay on the ground while I got my bearings for a few minutes. Blood flowing steadily onto the wood beneath my face. And the feelings I was struggling with are finally erupting from my body and I feel them consume me in the cold darkness.

Eventually, I rise from the deck and begin the walk back to my car, trekking through the snow with piercing steps and an emerging bloodlust.

“I’m gonna cut that bitch up” I admit quietly to myself. I can’t hide my candor anymore; the feeling that has been building inside me all night is rage. The agonizing heat of a wild woman living inside ready to rain hell on those that turn on me. I don’t know how to explain it but when I get angry I become a different person entirely, one without reason and remorse.

The winter night ravages my exposed face and I’m grateful for the relief from the fire that rages inside. I can’t believe this girl who barely spoke to me in high school had the audacity to try and relate to me losing my brother. I don’t give a shit that he’s dead because I’m the one that killed the fucker and she’s dangerously close to meeting the same fate.

I make it to my car and once I’m sitting inside I turn the key in the ignition to start it. The cold isn’t so harsh in here, but I escape back to the inner distraction of my thoughts as I wait for the car to warm. 

I could do it too. Everyone’s been drinking so they’re off their guard, maybe they’ll be easy to overcome, maybe they’ll be asleep soon and I won’t have to fight anyone off. The ideas swirl in my mind and excitement grows as I consider my options of where tonight might lead. 

Don’t get me wrong the anger feels good but it can be overwhelming, like a force that’s too great for me. So maybe I could turn myself in instead? Get some help? Or just take the credit for my crimes because honestly I’m sick of hearing about how John is this “mastermind killer from a small town.” I could even just walk away and never see these petty high school bitches again; continue my life unchanged.

I look toward the house and realize I’ve relaxed in the growing warmth of the car. The more I’ve been thinking, the less I’ve been feeling, and although I’m not completely calm yet I don’t think I want to waste anymore energy here.

As I prepare to leave I make sure I have everything in my passenger seat and adjust my seat and mirrors—when I catch a glimpse of the drying blood on my face. 

Oh shit. Some would call this an inconvenience, and others might see it as a sign, but I have to go back in the house because I left my sweatshirt inside. That’s when I realize, I don’t think I can actually let tonight go. I should have known better.