All the Ways We're Lost

TW: mention of an abusive relationship/unsafe relationship

I could feel the tears stinging in my stomach before they even reached my eyes. I could only take one suitcase. I could only pack what I needed most. He was still sleeping, but somehow I had to escape. I had woken up Elliot earlier, placing his tiny little body and bags that I had packed the night before into our Ford SUV. Patting my pockets, I made sure we had the essentials: social security cards, passports, and birth certificate for Elliot. I already knew we had to leave. I just wished it didn't have to be tonight.

"Hey, Mommy, where are we going? Is Daddy coming with us? Why is it so dark outside?" 3-year-old Elliot had asked me. I looked at him sweetly, attempting to hold it together so that he wouldn't get scared.

"Sweetie, we're just going on a fun adventure. We'll get some Waffle House on the way there, and you can eat as many pancakes as you want. Daddy can't come this time, because he has some work around the house to do. You know how busy he gets. Busy like a bee. It's only dark because the sun was tired and the moon had to come out, so that we can have all the pretty stars in the sky." I answered him, keeping my voice steady. All I want is for him to have a better life than this. At least, a life without him.

I looked back at my suitcase, my pink sunglasses sticker on it staring at me, asking me why I was doing this. I don't really know, I whispered to the sunglasses, I just want to feel peace. To breathe again.

The sunglasses seemed to approve.

I looked at the contents of the suitcase. His shallow, rhythmic breathing echoed from our room, and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. This was for the better, I thought. I had packed two changes of clothes for Elliot and me, Elliot's favorite stuffed rabbit that was missing an ear, and a couple hygiene products. I left the wedding album. I left anything that I didn't absolutely need. I had made a mental list of all the things we absolutely needed that I started about two months ago. I thought I had more time. I didn't know I'd need it now.

While I zipped up all the zippers on the bag, the sunglasses seemed to be winking at me- one last time. I wiped my eyes, having not cared about mascara in three days. I silently prayed. I was never too religious, but during the services that I went to, they always said the same thing, "God will always listen."

Well, I sure as hell hope he's listening now.

My breathing became heavier. Everywhere I stepped, an image flashed before my eyes. Him waking up, finding this. Elliot crying, screaming for his mommy. I shoved the images away. They weren't my reality yet. I still had time.

I finished packing, putting on my sturdiest shoes that I knew would last however long they needed too, and a jacket that would make do for the current spring conditions pretending to be winter. As soon as everything blooms and the bees start to come out- zap- a hard freeze hits us. That's just how it is.

Even tiptoes were too loud. Every step I made, my body tensed a little bit more, and my heart raced a little faster. Suddenly, I heard a rustle coming from our bedroom. I could feel my throat tightening up, like you do when you know you're about to cry but can't. I silently opened the door, holding my breath.

The air was cool as I stepped out of the house. Immediately, I walked over to the car and kissed Elliot on his forehead. I could see his dimples as he smiled, slowly opening his eyes. "Hi, Mommy," he said sleepily. "Hi, baby," I whispered, trying to ignore the fear stirring inside my body. He went back to sleep, his eyes drifting slowly back to their comfortable position. I envied my three-year-old. I really did.

As I stuffed the suitcase in the back of the car, I had a lingering feeling that I was forgetting something. I made another mental checklist.

Social security cards? Check.

Birth certificate for Elliot? Check.

Passports? Check.

Insurance papers? No... I had forgotten the insurance papers. The air around me started to thin. I decided to keep going with the checklist and come back to the insurance papers later.

Driver's license? Check- it was in my back pocket.

Marriage certificate? I didn't want or need that, so no.

I kept going with my checklist. All I was missing were those insurance papers. At this point, half of the suitcase was papers, but insurance was important.

I had to go back into the house.

I looked at Elliot one last time before I entered the house, and I whispered in his ear, my nose tickled at the touch of his white-blonde hair. "I've got to be brave now. Wish Mommy luck."

Elliot seemed to hear, because his fingers wrapped around mine. I smiled, a fat tear rolling down my cheek, and walked to the door.

It had a lion head knocker that he liked, and that Elliot would always bang on it and roar like a lion. It would make me laugh.

Three-year-old children always know when and how to make you laugh.

(Or to make you annoyed.)

I walked inside, my ears attentive to any noise from our room. From him.

I heard none.

I wasn't relieved, I couldn't sigh. I looked at the papers, sitting on the kitchen table. He had asked what they were for last night, and I said I was renewing our plan. I knew he wasn't actually curious. He didn't actually care, he just wanted to know something.

I grabbed the papers, making sure to check that I had the right ones. There were two pages, but about 100 pages in my files. Grabbing them, I suddenly heard a sound from our room. The bed squeaked.

That was the noise it made when somebody was getting off of it.

The tears were streaming down my face like rivers at this point, carving canyons in my face.

"Ruthie? Where are you?" He called out. The tears kept coming down, and I was against the door at this point. My breath hitched, and my lungs felt like they were about to collapse.

As far as I knew, he was still in our room. I'm not a monster, so I left a sticky note on the kitchen counter.

Went on a retreat with the other playgroup mommies & Elliot. Be back soon. I know it was last minute, but the other mommies insisted- you know how they get. Love you.

I didn't love him anymore, and that was why we had to leave. Divorce wasn't a word in his vocabulary, and he would make sure it wasn't a word in mine, either. He wasn't nice about it at all.

I heard his big footsteps heading back to the bed, and I heard the squeak of the bed, meaning he was getting back on it. Our sheets rustled, and he started snoring again, but tears were still flowing down my face. I held my breath as I opened the door as quietly as I possibly could.

Soon, I was out of our house. Again.

Insurance papers? Check.

I put these in the glove compartment of the car, and I went over to Elliot's car seat. He didn't deserve this kind of life, but I could do everything in my power to make sure that he enjoyed every single day on this earth.

His pinkie finger was in his mouth slightly, and his light-up Paw Patrol sneakers were bouncing along with his leg. Man, I loved that kid.

I kissed his forehead and then sat in my car seat, silently saying goodbye to the house. I would miss it, but this was for the better.

We drove around mindlessly for a little while, and then the sun started to come up. Now I would go to my mom's house, and stay there until we figured something out. I knew he was waking up now, wondering why the other side of the bed was cold. He would see the note, and then he would laugh. He would call his friends over, saying that it was party time. He was thirty, but he still hit his peak in his senior year of high school. That was when we apparently "fell in love".

I looked at Elliot in the backseat, his little eyes drifting open.

"Good morning, sleepyhead. How was your sleep?" I asked him as he stretched his legs and arms up above his head.

"It was good, Mommy. Where are we going?"

"For now, we're going to Grandma's, but later, we're going to go home."

"But weren't we just leaving home last night, and that was why we had this adventure?"

"We were, you're right. But this is a different kind of home. You'll love it even more."

"I will?"

"Yes, you will. I hope you will, you little monkey!"

He laughed a little, and then I reached over to poke his belly button, which made him laugh even harder.

"I love you, silly Mommy!"

"I... I love you too, silly Elliot."