The Beep

Steven and I sit in our car outside my parent's house. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as he wraps his hand around mine. He says, "Hey. Levi, look at me. Look at me." I open my eyes and he gently guides my chin with his fingers, turning my face towards his. He closes the distance, presses our foreheads together, then after a moment he says, "We'll get through dinner, then once it's over, we can go watch something at the theater. Sound good?" I nod. He pecks my lips. We separate and step out onto the sidewalk.

My parent's house looks bigger than I remember. We walk hand-in-hand as he pulls me along to the door. I let go of his hand, feeling its absence. I press the doorbell. He huffs, then slides his hand to the small of my back, rubbing it in small circles. My shoulders relax as my mother opens the door with an obviously planted smile. She says in a falsely chipper tone, "Levi! Good to see you." She glances towards Steven then says, "Come on in." I twist my ring with my thumb and step inside, removing my shoes. She continues, "Can I take your coat?" She only grabs mine and places it on the rack. Steven covers mine with his and raises an eyebrow at me. I shake my head.

We're silently led into the kitchen where Dad is sitting. He claps once, then cheerily exclaims, "Steven! Did you see the game? Tanner beat out Middleton in the end, that's too bad. But what can you do?"

Steven replies, "Yeah, this one." He gestures towards me. "Couldn't believe it either." I shrug and sit next to Mom, thinking it will be easier if she's not near my husband. Steven turns his head towards her and says, "I even made your strawberry rhubarb pie that Levi likes so much. The guys loved it too. Our neighbor Mark asked for the recipe, but I told him that he'd have to ask you." His eyes sparkle with a grin. She nods, but doesn't respond.

"Anyways," I say, "We brought some pecan pie from our tree out back. Thought you'd like some. Topped it with homemade pralines too."

"Thank you, Levi." She smiles, her voice low. "Can't wait to dig in." She reaches outward with both hands and says, "Let's grace the food." She closes her eyes then bows her head as I grab her hand and Steven's, who looks at me, but grabs Dad's hand too. She says, "Thank you, Lord, for gracing us with Levi today. May you bring happiness to him throughout his life. We deliver ourselves unto you, and hope to be in your presence forever. Our loving God, Amen." We mutter Amen together. I squeeze Steven's hand, and rub his knuckles with my thumb.

Beep.

I look up and ask, "What was that?"

"What was what, dear?" Mom asks.

"That strange beeping sound."

"What beeping sound? Steven?" Dad turns to him. He shakes his head.

"Huh. Must've been in my head." I chuckle. "It was so loud, though."

Steven answers, "Maybe it'll do it again."

"Let's eat." Mom says, taking a large sip of her wine.

“Did you really not hear it?”

Mom sighs, but Dad asks while obediently taking a bite of food, “What did it sound like?” 

She mutters, “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

I answer him, “At first, I thought your fire alarm needed a new battery, but it didn’t beep again. Maybe the microwave? It didn’t sound like either of those, though.” We sit still, listening to dead air. All I hear is the refrigerator humming and a car driving by. Our conversation drifts into banality, but I still listen for the sound that never comes again.

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Later on, Steven and I drive to the theater in relative silence, listening to the radio—Steven's hand rests on my thigh. Once there he says, "Well. Glad that only ever happens sometimes. Do you think they would come to our place again?"

"Dad might. He at least tries to like you. Did you really not hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"The beep!"

"Oh, that. I mean, I believe you heard it, but no. Didn't hear anything." He gently strokes my thigh with his thumb.

"That's so weird. I could've sworn it was right in my ear...almost between us."

"Did you hear it again?" He asks after we park.

I shake my head. My gaze goes towards the movie posters outside.

"Then it's nothing, yeah? What should we watch?"

"I—" I sigh. "Well, whatever's next on the board."

We walk through the large glass doors, and before we reach the kiosk, I jump, clutching my chest.

"What the…?" He turns towards the corner I'm staring at.

"Nothing, I guess." I shake my head, heart beating fast. "The hell is going on?" I mutter.

We go with a horror film that has good reviews. The smell of popcorn fills the whole theater, which tantalizes us into sharing a big box of. We settle into the plush seats to watch the loud pre-movie trailers. I pay attention to the side of the screen more than the move itself. The shadow looks heavier there than anywhere else in the darkness. My chest was tight throughout the movie. It was as if something were staring at me the entire time.

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After a fitful sleep, I’m curled up into a ball on the couch with my coffee. Steven is eating breakfast on the coffee table. Our fireplace is making elongated shadows dance in the winter morning darkness. I never told him about what I saw. Mom calls—she asks after ten years, "Want to come to church with us today?" She doesn’t even say hello.

I snort and answer, "You didn't even talk to my husband. So why should we?"

“Not him. Just you.”

“What the fuck, Mom?”

She berates me for swearing as Steven asks, “What?”

“Mother is asking if I want to go to church without you.”

She says, “You know what they would say. You could bring his pie.”

A malicious laugh escapes my throat.

"There it is again!" I burst out, making Steven drop his fork.

"Fuck." He laughs. "There's what again?"

"That damned beeping sound. You really didn't hear it?" My phone beeps as Mom isn’t there anymore. 

"Heard you freaking out." He leans back into the couch. "Thanks for that, by the way."

"Oh, sorry. She hung up on me!"

"What's it sound like?"

"Kinda like that I guess." I point towards the fire alarm. "Almost like it needs a battery change. Didn’t we have this conversation?"

"Oh, I definitely would've heard that. Fuck that sound so hard." He laughs while saying, "But why would it only beep once?"

“Stop holding me,” I say.

“I’m not,” he answers.

I look down. I freeze. Nothing is touching me. The sensation is gone, but what’s left there, is a faint shadow that fades away into nothing. My vision pulses outward with colors becoming more vivid. “Steef. I think I should…” I can’t get the words out. 

He lies my head down on his lap then strokes my hair and waits for me. Our nicknames for each other—Steef and Leaves—tend to only come out during highly emotional, private moments. After closing my eyes and just feeling his warm fingers scratch my head, I finally whisper, “I think I should see Doctor Monroe.” I drift off into sleep as he comforts me with words of affirmation and assurance, still stroking my scalp.

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Later that night, as we’re eating dinner, I flinch. My glass falls to the floor and shatters, spraying water over my bare feet.

“Leaves, honey. Are you okay?”

“There’s a…shadow…I keep seeing. I think it’s connected to that damn beeping sound.” I yank my arm away. “Quit grabbing me when I—”

“I’m not, Levi.”

We both look down to my arm. “See? Do you see that? Why don’t you hear the beeping? It’s…”

He looks up at me with wrinkled brows, highlighted by silver moonlight, holding a sagging shoulder with his palm. It makes me want to comfort him instead. He says, “Babe…I don’t see anything.” I blanch as the shadows on his face deepen. He pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts. Finding the one he wants, he dials and talks into the phone, “Hello? Doctor Monroe? This is Steven. Yes, Levi’s husband.” 

He listens for a moment then says, "Sorry to call so late. Thank you for answering. No, this isn't about us, but just about him. We're having a bit of an emergency. Yeah. Okay. Can we see you tomorrow? I appreciate it. Yeah, 7am works fine. Thank you."

We go to bed early, and Steven holds me until I fall asleep. He usually doesn't—says it's too hot—but this time he doesn't complain.

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Steven wakes me up early so that we can shower. My side of the bed is drenched in sweat. I didn't even hear his alarm go off. Although, I didn't even realize I fell asleep. We drive with my favorite music blaring, but I keep my fingers in my ears, rocking back and forth.

We arrive at Doctor Monroe's office and she welcomes us in. I sit in her office alone with her. There are full blinds on the windows and a large, plush sofa. The walls are full of bookshelves with little green plants about. The light sparkles dimly from synthetic candles. Steven waits for me in the lobby. Most often, we go in together, but this time she wanted to speak to me alone, so that I can give her my recollection of what's going on before he does.

She pulls her dark hair behind her ear and asks, "Is it okay if I record our session?" I nod. She continues, "Levi, can you tell me what's been happening?"

"I..." I swallow, unplugging my fingers from my ears. "I hear a beep. Over and over and over and over. Always at the same time. Always the same sound. Beeping. Beeping over and over." I rock back and forth with each sound. "And the shadow. It keeps touching me."

"Let's start at the beginning. When did you first notice this beeping?"

I chuckle and say, "It first appeared at my Mom's house."

"How is your relationship with her?"

"Well, she can go fuck herself for all I care."

"Tell me about that. Why can she go 'fuck herself', as you put it?"

That makes me laugh even harder. I close my eyes mid-laugh, then pull my knees to my chest. My fingers pull at the couch fibers. I say, "She used to say she was okay with me being gay, but ever since I met Steven, she became more and more, let's say, intolerant. It was one thing being an idea in her head of what I am, but a whole nother thing in practice. I moved in with him after a few months. I couldn't handle her anymore."

"What couldn't you handle?"

"She kept forcing her beliefs on me. Making me pray. Going to church to keep up appearances. Asking me to lie about my boyfriend. Completely ignoring him whenever they were together. All of which she still does. Just like the beeping. She does it constantly. Over and over. Biting at words that even hint at him in my life."

"Okay. And how's your relationship with your Dad?"

"At first, he hated that I was gay. Told me that I was going to hell, and pushed Mom further and further into her cunt-spiral."

"You said, 'at first'? How do you mean?"

"Now he's better. She's still a bitch. Later on, he told me in private that he had experimented with men before he met her, and hated himself for it. After he mulled it over in his head that I wasn't going to change, he started being happy for me. So that I could have what he was too afraid to have himself. But after that, he confided that he was bisexual, and said it didn't matter who I dated. I'm still not sure what to believe, but here I am: a product of them both. Never did get a sibling."

"What does Steven think about them?"

"He puts up with her, but he actually gets along with Dad. They talk about sports and food and carpentry. Fully separate from Mom. If she's there, she talks at me instead."

She pivots. "Tell me about the beep."

My temples throb. Pulsating with the sound of gushing blood. I pick at the cuticles of my fingers. "I first heard it at Mom's. No one believed me. She scoffed and tried to not talk about it, but Dad and Steven were curious. If a bit skeptical."

I ask, "Can I bring Steven in here?"

"Would that help?"

I nod. She stands, then opens the door. Steven is falling asleep on a cushioned office chair. His head snaps up, eyes wide, as if waking from a nightmare. His chest heaves in and out. He stands and joins us without prompting.

He asks, "Are you okay, Levi?"

"My shadow has followed us here." My eyes slowly edge towards the side where a bookshelf meets the wall. Both of their heads turn to the same spot.

Steven says, "I feel like I can almost see it sometimes."

"It's like eyes that aren't attached to a face, but still has a body. And I can almost recognize it. Them. Sometimes it changes, but not in appearance."

I lean onto my knees, peering into the darkness. A trickle of warmth rakes slowly over my arm. I say, "See this?" I hold up my arm. Patches of redness flush beneath my skin. I stiffly say, "The beeps. They started coming once a day, at the same time, every night. Seven forty-three in the evening. Right on the dot."

"Do you know the significance of the time?"

"Not yet. But one day, it showed up at seven forty-three A.M., waking me up." I rub my arms. "Every twelve hours. No matter where I was. Didn't care who was around me either." My voice gets louder, "Beeping. Beeping. Every God Damned Day. The fucking beeping beeped at seven forty-three. Then on the exact opposite of time: one thirteen. On both fucking times of day. They split in half. Beeped four times. Four."

"Did it keep changing?"

My head snaps towards her. Steven grabs my hand and strokes my wrist with his thumb.

"Change? Of course it fucking did. Over. Over. Over and over. It split between the two. Always in the middle of the last two times."

"Do you hear it now?"

“Closer and closer together. The beeps come so frequently. Grating on my ears and I can't turn it off." I spit out the last few words.

"What does it sound like to you?"

I tilt my head, close my eyes and listen. Eyes still closed, I answer, "High-pitched. Rhythmic. Although it can change in pitch, sometimes higher, sometimes lower. But it's always the same sound."

"Keep your eyes closed. Can you describe the shadow for me?"

"It's about as tall as one of us. There's a certain smell, that's so familiar. Almost like someone I know. Especially when it touches me."

"Where does it touch you?"

"Here...and here. But most often here."

"And what does it feel like?"

"It stays put for a while, but it shakes sometimes, or squeezes me. But the beeping. The constant beeping has nearly combined, as if it's—" My eyes shoot open. My head dashes to Steven with a whisper, "Steef. It's—" My vision blurs. His grasp on my arm tightens. I scramble out of the seat. Backing away. "No. No. No. No. No. It can't—" I shake my head furiously. My eyes dart from him to her and back. I rush towards Steven. "Look into my eyes. Look at me." I command. "Are you...?"

He scratches his chin, right below his lower lip. The shadow reaches out with his arm and strokes my leg.

I can’t move.

He's—

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"Oh..."

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

My lips part.

The beeping quickens.

My tongue unsticks from the roof of my mouth.

My chest rattles in labored breath—in beat with the sound.

"He's moving! Doctor Monroe, he's moving his mouth!"

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Levi. Please. Tell me what you need. I am here for you, Leaves. Please be here. Squeeze my hand. Monroe, is this real? Is this happening?"

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.