Is there a Heaven ?

It was a strange feeling, walking on what seemed to be endless sand of grey. We were in the middle of nowhere, somewhere my feet did not want to walk anymore.

“We are nearly there.” Kal’s voice, self-proclaimed leader, was barely audible, the faintest whisper to himself, raw with exhaustion and pain.

It was not the first time he said that in the three months we journeyed. The first ones were loud, strong, and filled with confidence, but as the days passed, he became quieter. I understood. It was becoming harder to be a believer in the words of a God that seemed to have abandoned us.

I looked back at the little crowd that followed us. We started at thousands, a number so big we could not count exactly, an amount of people that brought strength to the heart. Now the number has dwindled to a hundred and fifteen. Most of the elders were gone by the first month, but somehow, this was the easiest moment. When the babies started dying, that was when we could feel the strain on our emotions becoming nearly impossible to bear.

Many died out of grief, many died out of fatigue, most still live in my heart.

I know I was one of the reasons our journey lasted this long. I insisted that we stop to bury each and every one. I found it so cruel, so bestial, to let them rot far from any home they ever knew. Even though nobody said it, I knee by their looks after the burial that they were grateful for this moment.

With every step I took I could still hear the traditional songs echoing through my soul, as if calling to me.

“Lady Dimy, could we stop?” A little hand tugged on my dress with urgency, the whine in the voice clearly audible.

I looked at Kal, his back was always turned to his people, marching forward without a second thought.

“I will see… But…”

“No promises.”

I am reminded of my own predictability. In this nowhere land, even the sky was shades of grey, with no sun nor moon. We used to let our bodies guide our rest, but lately, I felt we walked for much longer.

“Brother.” My voice is soft, soothing, mimicking to perfection the voice of our beloved mother.

Kal does not acknowledge me, continuing to advance like some sort of soldier on a mission.

“Brother.” I make my voice grow louder, sounding like our mom when she was angry. “We need to stop.”

He stopped walking, and snapped his head toward me. With his sunken eyes and his lighter frame he resembled a much older man, if we knew our father I sure Kal would be his perfect replica.

My brother's anger was seeping out of him with a force that made me take a step back. He finally glanced back, acknowledging at last the handful of people left.

“Hmmm.” he said, as if he had lost the ability to talk to us, and he sat down, his gaze fixated on a point on the horizon.

All the people, accustomed to this signal, let out a sigh of relief and sat in little circles.

“Lady Dimy! Can you come sit with us?” The same little voice that requested a rest emerged from the cacophony that began to grow loud.

I obliged, like every rest time, I knew exactly what they would ask for.

“Well, children… How may I help you?” I said in my normal airy voice, with a smile hiding the explosion of emotion I was feeling on the inside.

“Can you tell us a story?” Their hopeful voices brought a semblance of joy to my heart.

“Hmmm… A story… Great idea… But… Which one?” The pauses in between each of my phrases were carefully crafted to grow their enthusiasm and curiosity, a dance we practised for too long of a time.

“Can you tell us about Heaven?”

I was a bit taken aback. This was not the usual request, this was not the normal we created. I strained my eyes to see the little face who asked this question.

She was a red-haired girl whom I did not remember could talk. She looked scared and shy and lonely. All the other children were looking at her with eyes filled with unspoken warnings.

We looked at each other in a silence that grew too intense for either of us.

“You know…” I started, unable to bring myself to deny this little girl.

She looked too young to have known life before the Great Disaster. She seemed too innocent to know that my brother would consider her a non-believer if he heard her. However, she had the right to know the story of her people.

“Okay…” I sighed, blaming my weak heart for the consequences that were to come. “But in order to understand what Heaven is, you need to know the whole story.”

My voice was considerably lower, a little unsteadiness could be heard. The children, understanding that this story could not bring too much attention, gathered closer to me.

“There was a time, before the Great Disaster, before even us, where Gods lived on this land. They created all the life you see here and way more. The travelling God blessed our people. He created our lands and brought colors to our fields. He then went on to create over havoc like ours. We lived happily for years and years, but everything eventually must come to an end. The Great Disaster had been prophesied centuries ago, by prophets who were deemed unreliable, and we all ignored their warnings. When it happened, we were not ready and lost too many souls. However, Kal remembered something no one else did. In the prophecy, a foretold Heaven was mentioned. To the further North, Heaven will hold a home for the survivors, I believe is the exact quote.”

“So we are marching to Heaven?” This little girl’s voice asked, a bit too loud for my liking.

“Yes…” I simply replied, afraid to say something that would ignite more questions and curiosity.

“Why does asking about it make us non-believers? This story is not very scary.” Said a bigger boy, with a much louder voice, with an air of know-it-all that is not suitable for this world.

“As it was because we asked too many questions in the first place that we ended up casting aside the warnings of the prophets.” I said quickly and in a dismissive tone I hoped would be enough to extinguish the embers of rebellion. “Now go to sleep.”

I stood up quickly and went back to my assigned place, near my brother. I looked at him for a long time, wondering if he caught any of the forbidden words said tonight. I was unsure when I fell into another restless sleep.

The short rest was over when Kal stood up. All the people instantly stood too, preparing their weary muscles for another long walk.

Yet, Kal did not move. He stood, staring with fury at the little red-haired girl. He heard everything.

“Non-believers will die.” he said, his voice rusty, but the determination clear.

He took his knife, a little knife our mother made for him as a memento, the exact replica of the one I have nestled in my boot. He marched toward the little girl who was now screaming and running among the people.

“No!”

I heard my voice bursting out of my chest, I saw my hand reach for my own knife, I felt my body launch forward, I smelled the metallic stench of blood, but all the colors that should have exploded were grey. Even my emotions were shades of grey.

“Thank you…” were the last words he murmured.

Time fled quickly after I lost the last family I had. We buried him in a silence that has filled my soul ever since. No song for him as the people were angry.

They proclaimed me their new leader and we marched forward once again. I did not know why, but I made a slight diversion to the East, feeling a calling within me guiding my steps.

We eventually reached Heaven. It was the first time we saw color after months. Many cried, the children were mesmerized.

However, I sat on the blue sand, looking at the yellow sea of gold, letting out the burial song that was trapped inside my soul, with a smile on my face.