The Weight of Water

My vision is blurred.

I don’t know if it’s the tears pooling in my eyes or this heavy downpour I’m standing in.

Everything around me feels unfamiliar, even though I’m standing in front of my own home.

I can’t believe he would do this to me.

I LOVE HIM!!! I screamed inside.

I thought he loved me.

As I looked through the crack in the curtain, I saw him standing there… holding her so close their bodies looked fused together. His hand on her chin. Her mouth tilted up toward him, and that kiss… not quick, not unsure, but full of passion. Dying passion that’s been trapped inside.

It’s like they have been waiting for this moment entirely too long.

I just stared at them from outside the house.

Watching through the curtains of our living room.

My heart started to pound. I felt all the air leave my body.

My tears racing down my face matching the pace of the rain drops on the window.

I couldn’t bear to witness what was about to happen next. I felt my feet move and without thinking about it, I was running.

Where? Who knows. I don’t even know.

The sound of thunder cracks through the air as a huge lightning bolt lights up the sky.

It felt like the harder I cried, the harder the rain hit me.

My mind was racing. I started to question what I saw back there. Am I going crazy?

I remember how this week started off.

So perfect.

Earlier this week, I flew to South Carolina for my friend’s 30th birthday. Usually, Daniel was argumentative about me traveling far without him, but this time he seemed excited for me to go on this trip. He basically pushed me out the door saying that it would be good for me to get out of the house and hang out with friends.

I didn’t think much of it. I was so excited to go on this trip.

Sasha had a whole itinerary planned.

She knew exactly what restaurants we were trying, what beaches we were visiting and what clubs we were hitting up.

On the second night of our girl’s trip, we went to a very luxurious seafood restaurant. They had a live jazz band that played so beautiful it was hypnotizing. The weather was beautiful. It was hot but the breeze was just enough to keep us cool. I decided to wear my long flowy white dress that looked like it belonged to an island princess. hand woven lace on the top, complemented by Swarovski crystals.

We were seated outside and had one of the prettiest views of the ocean. I ordered a steak and lobster complemented by a nice glass of chardonnay. We cheer Sasha a happy 30th birthday as the dolphins jumped out of the water in the background, playing with each other. This was so peaceful.

The next day I woke up feeling sicker than I ever had.

The nausea was super intense; unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I thought I could’ve gotten food poisoning but none of the other girls were sick.

Racheal jokingly said to me, ‘what if you were pregnant’.

I laughed nervously, but in all actuality that could have been a possibility.

My period was a couple of days late and Daniel and I have been trying to have a baby for a year now with no luck.

I guess my face couldn’t hide my racing thoughts because Sasha grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me softly to snap me back to reality.

‘I have a pregnancy test in my duffle bag. Don’t ask me why’ she said as she ran off to grab it.

I hesitated on taking a test without Daniel being around. He deserved to witness this moment just as much as I did and I felt bad taking the attention away from Sasha on her own birthday trip.

“Are you sure, Sasha? This trip isn’t about me… I can always take one when I get home.”

“Girl what? Why would you feel that way. I have loved you since 3rd grade.” She said laughing “this would be the best gift if you are! I’ll finally be an auntie. And plus, we are going to the club tonight, so I need to know before you come out with us!” she was so excited that is eased my anxiety a little.

I pushed down how I felt about taking this without him. Me and Daniel have taken so many tests in the year, and they all came back negative. I doubt this time would be any different.

I sat the test upside down on the bathroom sink and set a timer. This felt like the longest 3 minutes of my life. I prayed more than anything for it to be positive. I started to envision my life as a mother. Picturing my Danny holding our baby, being the best father. I started to fall in love with the idea but kept my guard up in case it wasn’t positive.

And then I saw them — two bright pink lines.

Pregnant.

I cried instantly. I couldn’t help it.

This has been the moment I have been dreaming of. Everything I had wanted.

A family.

Something stable. Something real.

I needed to tell Daniel in person.

Now I could start the family I never had.

I NEEDED to be with him.

To see his reaction, to feel his warmth enveloped me. Suffocating me with his sweet smell that drives me wild.

When he held me tightly it made me feel safe and secure. It made me feel like everything was right in the world. I was beyond in love with him.

I ended my trip early and booked the next flight back to Pennsylvania.

On the taxi ride home, I kept imagining surprising him. Imagining his reaction to finally see two lines on a test instead of one. I kept picturing him lifting me up and spinning me around with excitement and joy.

I stared out the window of the taxi, watching the trees pass, feeling the familiarity of each turn.

The closer I got, the more real it felt.

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

Daydreaming.

Rain started falling lightly against the taxi window, the wiper blades sliding back and forth like a slow drumbeat.

As he pulled up in front of my house the rain started to pick up a little bit more. There was a storm advisory today.

I took the pregnancy test out of my bag and put it in my jean pocket. It felt comforting to hold onto it.

I planned on knocking on the door and holding the test in my hand and shouting SURPRISE! You’re going to be a daddy!

I didn’t have an umbrella so when I climbed out of the taxi, I put my duffle bag over my head and started running to the house.

The butterflies fluttered harder and strong with every step I took towards the front door.

I was so nervous but more so excited.

The lights were dim when I approached the house. It wasn’t like Daniel to sit in the dark. I fought with him all the time about having the big light on, but he always insisted that it helped him stay productive. I could see a flicker of a flame illuminating from the front window.

That’s when I noticed it.

The unfamiliar car parked in the driveway.

Something inside of me told me not to knock.

Not to make myself known.

I sat my duffle bag on the ground and creeped around to the front window.

The curtain was open enough for me to see inside the living room.

Frozen in that moment as the cold rain soaked my clothes, clinging to me like a 2nd layer of skin. Feeling like a ghost, watching them. Witnessing the life I had slip away from me.

I felt every single piece of my heart shatter into a million pieces. Like how a porcelain plate would look after it go run over by a train.

I stood there.

The cold rain smacking against my hot skin, evaporating from the hate that is starting to brew up inside of me.

Hate… Confusion…Betrayal.

I started to spiral.

Am I going crazy?

Is this real?

I felt my eyes getting warm. Tears melting down my frozen face.

I took the pregnancy test out of my pocket and looked at it to make sure that part wasn’t a dream.

I glanced back at the window.

How could I be so stupid. Blind.

I feel like I am in a nightmare that I can’t escaped.

My Daniel

Standing there. Holding onto her waist.

Holding her so close that he could breathe her in.

My heart sank looking at him with someone else.

He put his hand on her chin, pulling her lips gently to his.

I wanted to scream at him to stop! Why was he kissing her! Why would he betray me. It took every ounce in me to not barge in the house and pull her by her long blonde hair, dragging her out of my living room. I wanted to punch Daniel and watch him slowly bleed. I wanted him to feel as hurt as I do right now in this moment as I watch him kiss this bitch in our house.

This wasn’t just any kiss; this was full of passion and lust.

Like they have been waiting for this moment.

How long has this been going on?

Images flashing in front of me. I tried to clear my mind, but I couldn’t unsee it.

Daniel, kissing her, like he loved her.

She pulled herself slowly away from his grasp, smiling against his lips, him smiling back against hers.

Sickening.

Daniel was holding her the way he held me when he wanted me to feel safe.

Close…Protective… Intimate.

Her eyes locked on his, and they kissed again… deep, desperate, intentional.

Not a mistake. Not a misunderstanding.

She pulled him closer like she’d done it a thousand times.

The test fell out of my hand, on to the ground. I forgot I was even holding onto it.

I took off running.

I don’t know why I started to run.

I need to get out of there.

Soaking wet from the storm. Lightning and thunder fill the sky.

Pretty accurate depiction for how my heart and mind feel going at war with each other.

How could he do this to me.

Why would he do this to me.

I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM.

He is my everything and without him I am nothing.

My emotions are controlling me, Guiding me. I can’t think logically in this moment.

My brain and my feet are on different wave lengths.

My brain wants to confront Daniel, and my feet need to get the hell out of here.

My chest starts to hurt, like it’s filling up with water, drowning me.

Weighing me down. Making it harder to breathe.

Pulling me into a dark abyss.

Confused and Hurt aren’t even the right words to explain how I feel.

My mind must’ve thought it was funny to play a sick trick on me and make me think about our wedding day. Remember the vows that he swore to me. Hearing how genuine he sounded when he said I was his forever. It was the happiest day of my life.

I thought about how hard we tried to conceive. How many failed tests and nights I spent up crying, praying for just one positive.

My mind couldn’t process the thought of it being all a lie.

How long has he been with her? They seem so familiar when they hold each other. How could I not notice any of the signs?

I didn’t realize that I had stopped running.

I was hunched over clutching my chest, sobbing so deeply but the thunder exploding through the storm cancels me out.

I wipe the rain from my face along with the tears from my eyes and try to figure out where I am.

I shield my eyes from the heavy rain to focus on my surroundings.

I’m standing on the outer side of Imperial Bridge.

I look down and see the water crashing against the Ice that’s starting to freeze over it.

350 ft below me. A bottomless pit.

The breeze is so sharp that it cuts my face.

The rain slams into the water like bullets from a machine gun.

He broke me.

I look up at the sky and close my eyes.

Something inside me went quiet—eerily quiet. It wasn’t peace exactly, but it was numbness, and numbness felt like relief compared to the agony clawing through my chest.

Cold rain hits my cheeks, slides down my neck, soaking into my skin like an answer I didn’t ask for.

For the first time since I saw them, I stopped crying.

Not because the pain faded.

But because it swallowed me whole.

I wrapped my fingers around the railing.

The storm raged.

My heartbeat slowed.

The lake roared below.

The world became still—

so still it scared me.

I closed my eyes.

Let the rain fall.

Let the wind pull me.

Let the darkness blur the lines between falling and stepping forward.

The rain kept pouring.

And I stood there.

Right on the edge.