A Peaceful Place

“Jackie!”

I smile as I walk over to the counter to grab my order from the counter. The barista, Sasha, knows me well, and swipes her thumb under her right eye. “I hate this,” she mumbles, refusing to look me in the eye.

“You were always my favorite barista, Sash. Make sure people know how sweet you are.” Before I can say more, she holds up a hand to stop me, eyes gleaming.

“I still have a full shift, so you better stop right there.”

Holding back a chuckle, I swipe my drink and chocolate chip muffin from the counter and give a small wave. “See you around.”

She gives me a single nod as I back away towards the door. I briefly look down at my large raspberry iced chai and notice Sasha’s handwriting. I love you.

My heart burns at her words, the words she’s never said but I know to be true. We’ve never hung out outside of our coffee patron and barista roles, but I have spent long hours reading and relaxing here, chatting with Sasha on her breaks and in between customers. We’re friends, and I think I’ll miss her more than my delicious order in my hands.

The bell chimes as I step into the cool, spring air, signaling my departure from my favorite coffee shop to ever exist. People chat in the white metal chairs stationed outside the shop, oblivious to the broken woman walking past them.

That’s what I am. I’m broken, and I’m being forced to leave this wonderful home I’ve made over the last fifteen years. The place my family lived and was truly happy. Where I was happy.

Until he took it all away.

***

The beach has always been my favorite part of this town after the coffee shop, and my sanctuary. I’ve taken our golden retriever here just about every time I come, but not this time.

I can still see his furry feet flying up and down the sandbar, chasing birds and the water as the waves crash back into the ocean. Then the hours it would take to clean him up and dry him off afterwards.

It was worth it. All of it. I take comfort in knowing I gave him the best life I could here. I gave them all an amazing life by moving us from our sad little seasonal town to a place where the sun always shines and the only things to focus on are slow living and relaxation.

I snag an empty beach chair and kick my sandals off, nestling my toes in the warm sand. Taking the first sip of my drink fills me with joy, followed by peace as I sink further down into the chair and watch the water.

My girls used to make fun of me for wanting to come here only to watch the water. What they didn’t know was this was the one place I could completely shut my brain off.

No responsibilities existed here.

Only the sound of the waves crashing. The laughs of families playing in the sand. The calls of birds as they flew.

No stress. Just peace.

I thought they’d eventually understand as they grew up, but I never even got that chance.

***

After the softest muffin I’ve ever encountered has been devoured, I stand up from the chair with my sandals in one hand and drink in the other, and begin my last beach walk.

It’s bittersweet seeing a place for the very last time. Especially one so important to me.

I’m devastated to be leaving, but it also feels like I’m taking everything in for the first time. I’m appreciating the way the sand squishes between my toes, and the fact that I haven’t had to cover my feet in years now thanks to the year-round warm climate.

My face lights up at the new families I’ve never seen here on vacation. Their kids squealing as they sprint out to the water, ready to be swept away into paradise.

I’ve known this day was coming for a while, but I hadn’t accepted it. The house was so quiet, therefore I was never in it. I couldn’t stand to be in one place for too long, for fear my thoughts would take over and bad things would happen.

Too late for that.

My family was the most important part of my life, and I knew I had given them the dream life that everybody wants. I always knew I would end up here one day, and to bring my family here with me was a blessing I’ve never taken for granted.

I thought nothing bad would ever happen here. That we would just be happy forever. Live here forever.

He ruined it all. My husband.

It’s been a month since he destroyed our family and left me to deal with it all alone. One entire month and I still have no idea why.

He never expressed to me that he was unhappy or unhappy with our life. And why take everything else away from me? Did he hate me that much?

I wrestle with guilt every single second of every day. And that’s why I can’t stay here any longer.

It’s why I had to sell our beautiful home with the dog bed, the girls’ clothes and toys, and then burn everything my husband owned.

I only kept some of my clothes, bags, and coats. Because where I’m going, I’m going to need them again.

***

As I finish up my drink, I take one last outlook out into the ocean and pray. Praying is a new thing for me, but it’s been helping.

I pray that my girls have each other, and that they’re running around with our dog every day. I pray that they’re safe and happy.

But mostly I pray that I will be reunited with them soon.

I was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer one week ago, and I declined any treatment. What use is it when my entire family isn’t here for me to survive this? All I’ve got is the hope that I go soon and to be with my girls in their new happy place.

And that my husband is far, far away from us.