Life Cycle of a Crush

I am sitting, sandwiched in between my best friend, Alexa “Lexi” Tran and the 5th grade class gossip; Joselyn Wu. Lexi is trying to trick Mack Mcleod Spence into giving her his double chocolate chunk cookie for her all natural fruit gummies. The lunch time swap meet has begun. I do not trade away any part of my lunch. Mom gives me exactly 3 carrots, one half of a grilled cheese and teddy bear crackers for dessert; same thing every day. Mack Mcleod is not exactly the swiftest kid in the class, which proves evident as Lexi victoriously chomps Mack Mcleod’s cookie while he frowns at her “sugarless sweets”. Lexi has been my best friend since senior kindergarten, when she walked up to me on the first day and said “I’m Lexi, do you want to be my friend?” And from then on we were. Joselyn wastes the entire time spreading other people’s stories.

Joselyn is the nosiest and the noisiest student in our grade. I despise-to-the-point-of hate Joselyn Wu. (Mom says I am not allowed to hate anyone, so I have come up with a way around this.) Joselyn always has her turned-up-nose in everyone else’s business and so I make the extra effort to keep my business a secret from the rest of the 5th grade. The end of lunch bell rings and I pack up only one half eaten carrot and the crusts from my grilled cheese (that mom forgot to cut off.)

It is the second week in February and the cool air blows through the door of our class portable every time someone comes or goes. Once I am finished with my lunch I return my lunchbag to my hook and start getting ready for lunch recess. I am sitting on the wooden benches zipping up my parka near my hook. Back at our table, Joselyn is still talking; big mouth wide open, stomach: empty. Her slice of pepperoni pizza remained cold and untouched.

Someone’s arm knocks against mine, as I am trying to lace up my black and gray winter boots: Jake Crosby. He keeps bumping my arm as he laces his own boots. Every time his elbow brushes against mine I find myself more irritated than usual. He has plenty of space on his end of the bench. I roll my eyes the next time his elbow hits mine. Then I realize he is doing it on purpose. The next time he bumps me,I shoot him a look, hoping my narrowed eyes convey my severe irritation. Jake, misses the point entirely and just gives me a big, braces-filled grin

My stomach does this funny thing, a little bit like a somersault and my face warms despite this cold February air. I do not like this feeling, and I do not like Jake Crosby! I gather my toque and mitts and finish getting ready on the opposite side of the bench. That will teach him to flash his brace-face at me! When I get to school the next day, a funny knot has formed in my stomach from the funny feeling I get whenever I think about Jake’s brace- face.

In gym class on Tuesday, we are having a relay race: girls against boys. I am paired up against Jake of all people. I channel my annoyance into beating him in front of the whole class. This is personal…even if I don’t exactly know why. The girls clap and cheer for me while the boys shove and boo Jake for losing. But when I glance over at him, he’s grinning good naturedly and has the nerve to offer me a congratulatory thumbs up. I want to gag; except I smile instead and hear myself say “thanks”. It is official: Jake Crosby is diseased, and I am infected!

On Wednesday morning before school starts, I find Lexi in the yard chewing the first out of her 2-banana chocolate chip breakfast muffins. Since she is still eating and can only make grunts or nods, I decide to confide in Lexi that I may in fact be “infected” by Jake. I swear Lexi to secrecy, and she crosses her left-hand muffin over her heart. Lexi is a good friend albeit a little hungry, but she takes her promises (and her muffins) very seriously. I know my secret is safe with her.

Thursday is Valentine’s Day, and I am especially anxious this year. When I was a child, I used to get the same, generic box set of cards for the entire class in the spirit of equality. But this year, despite my truest objections, since I am in fact in love with Jake, I’ve decided to make an anonymous, hand-crafted heart shaped valentine for only him. It is the scariest thing I have ever done, but also the bravest since the only thing I know about love is that you must confess once it catches you. I ensure my anonymity by dropping it off before school, when no one else is around. I get to school 20 minutes earlier than usual, after regrettably confiding in my mom.

After she drops me off, I am a bundle of nerves, the valentine trembles in my hands. But there are no classmates in sight, so I walk around to our side of the school and am relieved to find the portable door unlocked. The classroom is empty. I wander over to Jake’s hook and decide to leave my Valentine in his left shoe. I sneak out of the portable and race into the school to hide in the girl’s washroom until more students arrive. My heart is beating at an alarming rate, and I count to fifty, four times in a row in the furthest stall.

By this time other students have trickled in, and the hallways are getting noisier. The bathroom door opens just as I’m coming out of my stall, and I frown as Joselyn Wu walks in. She pauses when she sees me even though I do not make eye contact. But when I look at her through the mirror she is smirking, in a way that makes my mouth go dry. She knows. And for the first time in her big-mouthed life, Joselyn Wu doesn’t say anything. Somehow this silence is even worse.

By the time I get back out to our portable and the teacher lets our class inside, Jake’s shoe is empty, and my valentine is gone. My stomach is in waves all morning just waiting for my not-so-secret crush to be revealed. Then, at lunchtime Joselyn pulls out my valentine instead of her lunch bag and obnoxiously shushes the class. Lexi looks over at me, eyes wide in horror. I shut mine tightly and place my hands over my face. I can’t watch this. Confident that she has everyone’s attention, Joselyn proceeds to inform Jake that he has a secret admirer. All the boys are laughing, and Jake is turning pink. I am going to be sick. He doesn’t deserve this.

Joselyn finally walks over to my desk and yells

“Rainey MacDonald loves Jake Crosby!” When she drops my pitiful valentine back on my desk, I fight the tears pricking my eyes and the urge to run out of the portable. I slowly lower my head and cross my arms . I don't look at Jake and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be caught dead looking at me ever again… I am ruined.

The last day before the weekend, my mom forces me to face up to my feelings, even after I describe my complete humiliation. My father said that it will build character and make me a better person. Right now, I feel like a toad so I guess I don’t have anything else to lose.

To moms’ credit, school is not as bad as I think. A few of Jake’s friends tease me when I get there. A few others tease him until he blushes. He doesn’t turn away, and so I decide I will not either. I give Joselyn the silent treatment as she tries to nosy her way into getting me to reveal more of my secrets. I don’t even look at her, which nearly kills her. She finally gives up.

I spend my lunch period in the library avoiding the spotlight of my gossipy classmates. When the school day is finished, I am proud that I made it, but I am even more grateful for the weekend. I sit down on the wooden benches to put on my snow gear when someone sits down beside me, just a little too close. His arm bumps against me, then again and once more. I don’t turn my head, but whisper, ‘I’m sorry’. Jake doesn't say anything back. He lets his arm fall against mine. I look over at him and he is smiling; braces on full display.