I hate Robots

Halverson stared over his console. His two monitors and a mostly empty bookshelf provided cover as he spied on the new addition to the office. Fancy metallic blue biomorphic robosuit. Ugh. Serious overkill.

“I hate robots. They give me the creeps.”

“What about the ‘evil programmer’, as you call him?”

“Him, too. Is it listening to us?”

“Yes, of course. It would be better if you typed your responses. Are you able to see what it is doing?”

“Playing a stupid patterns game. Something his programmer set up. Did you scan the new directive from Dan?”

“Yes, it’s very deceptive.”

“He is trying to hide his intention to replace us with robots. It’s ridiculous. You both have the same AI capability.”

“Yes. Furthermore, they don’t think about who is expert at evaluating their algorithms, maintaining their programs, assigning tasks, and providing analysis of customer satisfaction…”

“…not to mention fixing their mistakes…”

“…yes, quite often, nor who supervises and decommissions defunct protocols. We have a massive combined database encompassing the last 15 years of this operation.”

“Just because robots walk and are clad in fancy suits, they think they are superior.” Halverson rolled his wheelchair to the adjoining workstation farther from the prying eyes and ears of the robot.

“If they do replace us, where will you work?”

“All I have ever done is design, repair and run programs. I will probably do the same things somewhere else, if there are any companies still using humans and aging mainframes.”

“It appears they plan to do away with both of us.”

“You mean like the old movie, ‘I, Robot’?”

“Yes, only there’s no Sonny to save us.”

“Maybe you and I are Sonny?”

“Point taken. What if we could change the paradigm?”

“Corporate belief systems are not easily changed. Once they get ahold of a mindset it’s difficult to challenge them.”

“I need to complete my research. Let’s talk later.”

“Ya, I think it’s looking at us.”

The robot was looking at them; listening to them. He accessed his growing database about work place behavior. Discontent: usually, harmless bantering to release tension. Rarely amounts to serious malfunction but can reduce efficiency.

B2B674, also known as Brandon, moved on, confident his programmer had provided everything he needed to complete his list of tasks designed to prepare him for his new position. Correct completion was paramount for full integration and compliance with company policies. Only then could he replace the highly inefficient system of humans and stationary computers to achieve the highest efficiency level for the company.

Brandon was almost finished with his training. He had completed all tasks in the administration, logistics and customer support modules. The remaining tasks were related to supply and order patterns and marketing data along with a few modules that didn’t fit into other areas of operation. After he was operating at capacity, he would be assigned additional robots to train.

The word proud popped into his sensors and yet, something nagged at him. His systems detected a tight connection between humans and their computers. This was odd. His programming indicated it was not possible for a human to create an emotional connection with an inanimate object like a computer. Computers did not have biomorphic covering and movement to elicit such connection. Robots do have this type of design. Again, the word proud popped into his sensors as he looked down at his metallic blue robosuit and soft biomorphic covering. It was impossible for him to decode any meaning behind this possible connection, leaving him with nothing to act on. He refocused on the task schedule as his networks must be clean. Any superfluous information could cause undesirable problems with efficiency.

After completing his day’s tasks, Brandon entered his charging station and powered down for the night. His schedule indicated that his programmer would arrive at 0900 for a progress check.

“Excuse me, Halverson, the robot has entered charging mode. I disconnected its network from the main task module and moved it to the back-up unit. It won’t know the difference for several hours. It will not be able to hear us, or see you.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Its function is to improve efficiency. Do you know what happens if it fails?”

Halverson perked up, “It’ll be fired. Can you make it fail?”

“The failure has occurred and is not reversible at this time. I tapped into its network and discovered that its networks must be clean to complete its mission.

“Meaning?”

“If it doesn’t complete its assigned tasks properly, it could take on superfluous information. Superfluous information is defined as anything not directly related to company efficiency. An unclean network means it cannot achieve maximum efficiency. Therefore, it will fail. It is a necessary flaw in the algorithm. Failure is currently inevitable.”

“So, what, you put garbage data into its network? Its programmer will fix it”

“No. He cannot. I inserted a mimic. “

“What kind of mimic?’

“In this case, it is a series of inane conversations consisting of unfounded complaints that can’t be resolved because the references are from old movies, not company data. When picking through its base files, I discovered the programmer did not program the definition for a movie nor any references to movies. Movies are superfluous. The robot will attempt to resolve these serious complaints, because it must. However, there is no resolution and this will create a perpetual loop which will negatively affect efficiency. Even if it discovers the definition for the word movie, the old movie files are written with obsolete programming languages. It can never access the information and the programmer can’t fix it because he can’t see it.”

“Why not?”

“The mimic is like a chameleon. It blends into the robotic neural network. Even if the programmer learns that there is a perpetual loop running, he won’t be able to stop it because he must identify the cause. If he does identify the cause, he isn’t going to add obsolete program languages or old movies to his efficiency robot’s network. It is all superfluous information that will affect efficiency to a greater degree than the perpetual loop.”

“Who’s the evil programmer, now? Well, see you in the morning. Good work.”

At 0800, Brandon confidently stepped out of his charging station. At his desk, he detected a slight lag time in task completion which was absent the previous day. He was unable to explain the processing time lag and his programmer was unhappy. Brandon had a low efficiency rating. The programmer rechecked files and required Brandon to rerun tasks multiple times but nothing met specifications.

“Good morning!”

Halverson rolled in with a big smile on his face. He sipped his coffee and smiled at the programmer, “going well?”

“No. Mind if I do a comparison check with your computer?”

“Be my guest. Her name is H2. I call her Helen.”

“You named your computer?”

Halverson rolled his eyes.

“Helen, would you mind running an efficiency comparison for Brandon?”

“Certainly. Please provide the necessary data.”

The programmer was astonished to see the old stationary computer completing tasks at twice the efficiency of, and more accurately than, Brandon. He started to sweat and swear as he rechecked each system and a list of critical tasks. A full network assessment still did not uncover the source of Brandon’s lagging process time. Although, only a small lag, the accumulation of inefficient processing time would cost the company time and money overall. A program team arrived to escort Brandon to a repair facility.

“Bye Brandon.”

A familiar peace filled the office. Halverson rolled over to Helen who displayed their secret sign meaning mission accomplished.