Praying for Sleep

Praying for Sleep

Night 1

 My eyes pop open as if on command. The room is dark as it always is with a sliver of light coming at the top of the curtains from the streetlight outside. I think I’ve been asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up with the same thought I had when I went to sleep. What’s next? I sigh look over at the clock and it says 2:00 am. I look back up at the ceiling and fall back into my dreaded thoughts of what’s next.

 I go through the mental checklist as I always do when stressed out. It’s a long list so it takes me a while to get to the end. I’ll get halfway through the list when the same feeling comes over me that does every mental check list. Anxiety, then panic, and finally impending doom. It’s a cumulation of all the horrific things that have been my life for some time now. First, it starts out with losing my heart to someone who didn’t want it. Leaving me broken, confused, and alone. I hate being alone. Second, I lose my job because I can’t focus on it or be on time. I don’t want to get out of bed these days. Not since my heart was taken. Third, since I’m unemployed, I can’t pay my bills and what happens when you can’t pay things like rent. You become homeless. So, as if being alone with a broken heart wasn’t enough, I had to add unemployed and homeless to the list of wonderful things that have happened in a short amount of time. My stomach begins to hurt, and I want to throw up.

 I feel paralyzed at the reality of my life. I can’t breathe and I panic wondering “is this what my life is going to be like?” Which scares me even more. I somehow make myself get out of bed to take a shower thinking that will help. As I turn the water on, nothing comes out. Of course nothing comes out. No shower for me. I then decided to go downstairs to the kitchen to make me a snack. Open the frig and notice the light is out and it’s warm in there. I touch the milk and it’s hot. I realize my frig went out and all my food has spoiled. Of course, my frig went out.

 So, I turned on the TV or so I tried. It does nothing. I grab the remote and it does nothing. The Tv is broken. Of course, the tv is broken. I reach for the lamp to turn it on, and it won’t come on. I pull the string a few times and nothing. Now I begin to think that what are the odds that all three major necessities in my home all break at the same time. That’s too strange. Somebody out there with a sick sense of humor is having a good laugh right about now.

 From there on out it just gets worse. Everything I touch either is broken or falls apart. Everything I try to do I fail at. I’m in a full-on panic running around trying plugs, turning knobs, and flipping switches just setting myself up for failure knowing they won’t work. I go from room to room repeating the same process. Check this, flip that, fail. I tried every room in the house both upstairs and downstairs. What’s happening. I feel like I’m in the twilight show a creepy sister in a straight jacket with no mouth and a little boy with wicked powers that is pissed off as hell that no one wants to stay and play. No, it’s much worse. It’s my life. After spending the whole day in a constant state of panic and not understanding what’s happening I lay down to go to bed.

Night 2

 My eyes pop open as if on command. The room is dark as it always is with a sliver of light coming at the top of the curtains from the streetlight outside. I think I’ve been asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up with the same thought I had when I went to sleep. What’s next? I sigh look over at the clock and it says 2:00 am. I look back up at the ceiling and fall back into my dreaded thoughts of what’s next.

  I go through the same motions as the night before. I don’t know what it is about 2:00 am that has my eyes obeying faithfully. As I repeat the morning process I begin to have a feeling that I’ve been here or done this before. I shake it off and continue with feeling the pain of being alone, broke, and no home of my own anymore. I go downstairs to the kitchen open it…food is spoiled. Frig is still broken. Go to watch tv…broken. Turn on lamp…broken. Go to bed.

Night 3

My eyes pop open as if on command. The room is dark as it always is. The only light comes from the top of the curtain. Thoughts of “what next?” pops in my head. Sadness of being alone, unemployed, and homeless fill my mind. Anxiety and impending doom set in. I get up to shower…no water. Go downstairs to eat…frig is broken. That’s when it hits me. That from the night before. The feeling that I’ve been here before at this exact moment. I quickly run to the tv then the lamp both broken. I’m crying, panicking, and feeling sadness all at once. What is going on? Why is this happening to me? Is all that I can here in my head as I run from room to room.

Night 3-Night 4-Night 5...

 Every night is the same. Wake up at 2:00 am and freak out and feel heartbreak all day go to bed wake up repeat.

Night 30

 I don’t know how long I’ve been on this same night repeatedly. I’m a zombie now, it feels like, but I still feel the pain of what’s taking place every single night. It won’t stop or change at all. Then as I’m reaching the part where I’m crying and panicking running from room to room, I realized something. I’ve spent the first thirty days in a downward spiral of sadness, emptiness, and fear that my life will be forever as it is now. That is my worst fear. Living the same dreadful existence day in and day out with no end in sight. It’s exactly what’s been taking place for days, weeks, and months now. Living the same dreadful, panic filled, repeating acts of insanity filled days repeatedly. I started to scream and I screamed so loud I could shatter glass. I keep screaming in fear that never goes away. Then one minute I’m screaming then the next thing. My eyes pop open as if on command. The room is full of light as it hasn’t been before. Light fills the room with no darkness in sight. I looked over at the clock, and it said 2:00pm. I look back at the ceiling and wait for the same thought that has plagued my mind for days now. “What’s next?” and the feelings that accompany it. Nothing I wait some more and still nothing. I jump up to check the shower. Water floods the bathtub I run downstairs open frig. The milk is cold as can be, then I run to the lamp it turns on so bright as if it was new. The tv pops on blaring “Don’t worry be happy.” I run from room to room laughing hysterically checking plugs flipping switches. Everything works it all works. I breathe in deep and begin to shake as I collapse to the floor. I had forgotten what life was like when it was full of light. I lay on the floor weeping with joy that the last, however many days were over. The nightmare was over. Relieved I continue the day, and it goes perfectly. No fear, no sadness, and no impending doom. I walk up the stairs with a sense of relief and happiness. I go to bed and soak in the softness of my sheets. My last waking thought is that I will never let the fear of life's roller coaster and unexpecting problems bring me down again. I fall to sleep easily for once and sleep like the dead.

My eyes pop open as if on command. The room is dark again I look at the clock, and it said 2:00am. I scream.