The Obsession/SEVER

Aruthers note *Warning this story has themes relating to mental health, suicide and substances abuse. Please proceed with caution if you think it will harm your mental*

The Obsession—

It's nothing too grand. Just a headspace. My imagination. My bravado. My soul. My lifeline. But at the end of the day—it’s all a game, is it not?

Sevren rein— “Sevren rein.” A voice comes over the comms in the building.

A gentle tap hits my shoulder. Then a whisper hits my ear.

“Sevren. someone is calling you.” The voice says.

I turn my head to the direction of the person. I —I was instantly Starstruck. She was just sitting there, behind me. How had I not noticed?

Sitting in the chair behind me. Beauty in it’s essence. She had a cultivated look. I could just tell. Her long brown hair, with strips of dark blue—It was bold. Her sandy hazel eyes—paired with those long lashes. The way, she had a lisp... something about it. Something about her. I just found so profoundly perfect so familiar . And, this. Was just the surface of what I was getting into. I was taken A back. She gave me a look. Yeah, that's all.

I know. Irrational and silly. But, it was then. I knew, I needed to know her name.

“What's that?” I ask. I heard what she said. But I wanted to hear again.

She lifted her hand and pointed to the entrance of the room. That man. He was calling you. She says with an expression i couldn't quite grasp. I don't know, maybe she could see my face light up.

I swallow hard before i give a gentle nod to her. I stand up and walk to the door leading both me and the man out into the hall.

“Mom and dad would be really proud of you Sevren .” Sethfrel says.

“Thanks Seth.” I say As I lean against the pale blue walls. “B-but What are you doing here?” I say, slightly sharper than intended.

“I don't know.” he says pressing his lips together. “I can’t come to support my brother at his first NA meeting?” He says, tilting his head slightly. “I know this isn't easy for you. I-i just wanted to be here.”

The taste of metal floods my mouth; it's Tangy. I know he’s just trying to be here for me and i should feel happy but all i feel is. Shame. I guess we can't pick and choose our battles.

“I appreciate that Seth— I do.” I clear my throat. “I'll be out in a bit. We can go out for lunch.” I say with a smile. He gives me one too, and I make my way back into the room. Back to my spot. I turn back to look at the woman. And I’m just as Mesmerized.

“Hey.” I whisper. “Psst.” I wave my hand to get her attention. Finally Her eyes fall to me.

“Yeah?” She say as she leans forward making me lean back to hear better.

“Sorry, just wanted to thank you, for telling me i was being called. I—” a slight awkward pause, and i felt an overwhelming need to fill the silence. “I was in my own mind just then. So thank you.” I say with a slight smile.

“Of course.” she says. “We’ve all been there.” She says as she puts a hand on my shoulder.

My heart skips a beat. And my eyebrows go up. To say my body tensed up was an understatement. She pulls her arm away quickly. I guess she realized i was surprised.

“Sorry.” She quickly says. I've been told I can be too friendly.

“No—not at all.” i say.

Her eyes are kind of indifferent to me. Did she not feel what I felt? Was I really going to let this effect me? Suddenly her brow furrows. And her lip twitches slightly.

“You’re bleeding.”

“Huh?”

She pulls out a cloth from her breast pocket. Before grabbing my hand and placing the handkerchief in my palms.

“Your mouth.” She says.

Ah, that explains the ‘tangy’ taste earlier. Must have bitten the inside of my mouth, again.

“I'm sorry.”

She tilts her head slightly. “Don't be sorry Sevren. Be okay.”

“O... okay, and what's your name?” I ask.

“My friends call me Parkly.” She says.

“Parkly?” the name replaces the metal taste on my tongue— Something I can only relate to sugar.

“Oh, nice to meet you... I'm Sevren.”

“...I know.” she responds quickly

“I know...You know.” I scoff.

She sniffs softly before smiling, then her eyes go past me. “Eyes on the speaker.” She says nodding to the speaker who walks up front and center.

There a woman walks up. Late 20s blond. “Welcome. I see some new faces. Welcome to our NA group. The goal is positive change and to provide a stable community for you to thrive and get better. If you need anything. Come to me. Or your peers. Together we can get better.” She says.

“Take me for example. Going on five years sober. Heroin addict. if I can get better. So can you. Parkly. If you'd like to speak. Please come up.” She says as she steps down and Parkly stands up.

She stands up and it feels like slow motion. Her brown boots click on the Marble floor. Her long hippy vintage cardigan flowing not too far behind her. Her body smoothly maneuvers , like a goddess as she makes her way to the front.

“Thank you all for coming.” She says with a few small claps. “There's about twenty of us here. And some will say this doesn't matter. But you need to listen to yourself. Nobody else. This is important. My name is Parkly, and I'm an addict.”

“HI PARKLY.” The room echoes.

“When i was thirteen. I went through a lot of shit. I-I'm talking shit that's been piling up for years and smells like the shittiest shit. My family pushed me away. My sister left me. Although, I'm sure she regrets that now.” She says with a chuckle and the whole room follows her laughter.

I can't help but crack a smirk.

“I got into some of my Aunts coke and I've been a bit fucked up ever since. But now. I want to use that as an opportunity. I'm a Psychiatrist and if you need to talk, I'm here. To let you all in. And get you help too. I think we will have lots of good times here.” She says.

And i have to agree. She’s looking around the entire room. But I swear. Her eyes are on me. And only me.

TWO-weeks_later—

After that. Time passed like a movie. Like a montage. Like wondering what Parkly thinks of me. We talked a few times. I'd like to think, she feels something. But still. I am left blissfully... Not so blissfully unaware. Like she is privy to something, I'm not. I followed her once or twice to her home. Regretted it after. Felt bad. But it's almost like an impulse. I find all aspects of my mind. On her.

I sit in my room. At my computer, typing, thinking. But still. I find myself reckless.

“Sevren.” A sharp voice pierces my concentration. A little like a needle popping an inflated balloon

“Yes Seth?” I say spinning my chair around to face him.

He swallows hard before speaking.

“Are you using again ?” He asks his voice slightly shaky.

I think he wants me to say no. I think he wants me to reassure him that I'll be okay— yeah. That's it.

“No, I'm not Seth. Why would you think that?”

He scoffs slightly. “So you're just going to lie to me?”

My face twitches. I don't like this. I want him to believe me, but he clearly doesn't.

“Why would you think that? I repeat in an emotionless Toan.

“What do you mean? You’re my brother moron. I know you. I can tell. Your eyes—” He says approaching me forcing me to my feet. “They look like black fucking holes.” he says with his hands on my shoulder.

“Not to mention the actual holes in your arm.” He says gripping my wrist tightly.

“Who is it now?”

I dragged my tongue across my dry lips, frustration creeping in. As my jaw clenches.

“Just stop Seth.”

“No you stop!” He says. “Does this make you feel good? Making me worry like this? Come on. Just tell me who she is?

My breath pauses then shutters. “T-this girl, in my NA group. S—”

“Oh my god, he says as he runs an exasperated hand through his messy hair.

“Why do you do this Sev? Why are you doing this to me?”

“She's different. She's. Different. I—”

“No, Severn!” He says gripping my shoulders tightly, painfully.

“You need to stop this obsession shit. You could go to jail. You could overdose.”

I guess I should have mentioned that this is not a first-time thing.

Are you mad?

Yeah, so what. I find myself enamored with some special people. I can't help it. It's an unbreakable cycle. I find someone. Then i relapse into the safety net of morphine, hydrocodone, cocaine. Whatever I can fine really. It’s a—

“It’s a coping mechanism Sevren!”

“Finish my thought for me now?” I say sarcastically with a smirk. To which he tilts his head in confusion in response.

“Is this funny to you Sev?”

My smirk drops.

“please…please I can’t stand seeing you like this, I know you’re hurting… just let me help you.

I won’t do it. I've put him through enough. All he needs to tell me to do is fuck off. And I’m gone.

“You'll be okay Seth. I say as I back up. It'll be over soon. I say as I grab my phone and storm out of the room.

Yeah, call it. I'm a shitty person, I know. I know this. But still. I guess it’s my Obsession. I just wonder how much I can push this before he leaves me.

NA GROUP PLACE— I sit in the same spot as before, It’s my spot right? No, it’s temporary. Like everything else. i take out my phone, calling Parkly.

‘Hello' she says on the other side of the phone.

‘Meet me at the meeting room...please’ I say into the phone. Then the line dies. i take that as a. “Okay, I'll be there in30.” but sometimes you just feel so tired. So drained. So done. my eyes drift shut. As though they were always meant to be that way.

FOUR YEARS EIRLYER—

‘“Come on sevren. I promise you'll be okay. I'm here for you. You don't need anything else when you're on this.”

“Are you sure about this Jaz, I've never done this. A-and you. You could get hurt.”

“Oh...see. Sevren, you do this. You will be worried about everybody except for yourself. Don't you care what your brother will say? Don't you care about yourself?”

“i— of course I do. I think I do.”

“No you don't. You don't care about this game. You just want to do what I do... right?”

“It's your obsession. You like to be liked. So when nobody likes you. What—is that a form of self harm?”

“No—”

“Is that why you love me? Tell me sevren.”

‘”i-i love you, because. You’re here. In front of me. You’re. Here.”

“Yes I am. So trust me. And lean back. I'll make you feel like you've never felt before.”’

PRESENT DAY—

"And then all i remember was...something a little like euphoria if i even knew what it was. I don't think I ever went back. So... I guess when she died two years later from an overdose getting high with me. That might have fucked me up, just a bit. That’s When it all started. That's when I truly...started.”

“Are you always cryptic and repetitive with your words?” Parkly asks. As she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and crosses her legs.

“I guess so.”I say, my eyes Deepening into hers.

“Do you Always look this good?” I say .

“You’re lost.”

“Beyond repair? Beyond fixing?”

“Way.”

My eyes widen slightly. As I bite the inside of my gums. “Are you allowed to say that—As a Psychiatrist?”

“Yes. This. Is. Beyond crazy.”

“What's crazy about it?”

“You. Tricked me out here. To what. Explain your story? in the hopes of what. That I'll be able to Fix you?”

“Fix me? Oh. I don't think you can fix me.” i say rubbing my hand to the back of my neck.

“No, i don't think it's possible. You like this. You like being thrown into the trash right? Why? Is it because of Jaz?”

My eyes widen. “H-how do you know Jaz?”

I can see her swallow hard. “You are. Not well, you've explained this to me. Six times now. I've told you. i can’t help you.” I lost my license. You need to see someone certified.

“But from what i can tell. You subconsciously become obsessed with every girl who looks like Jaz. You forget her. Then remember her. It's a cycle. of something built over years. you like being someone who can easily be forgotten. Hurt, left behind.”

“ You want to. Because you think you deserve it—”

“Don't I?” I interrupt.

“See that's the real thing. You want me to tell you. You’re a good person. Deep down. You don't like being hated. You want to be loved just as much as anyone. If not more.”

“And so then what?”

“And so get clean. You stalk these girls right? But you never hurt them. Forced them to do something they don't want to do right?”

“I don't. I'd never.”

I can see the pity in her eyes. Isn't that something. The 13 year old drug addict... feels pity for me.

“Sevren. You look like shit. You’ve got old clothes on. You’re eyes are red. Dark circles. your hair is greasy. You look like you'll break down any second. You’re using. And it's clear.”

“I thought you already knew that.”

She leans forward. Her eyes darkening.

“Are you ready for a revelation?”

My eyes widen. “W-what?”

“Jaz. She was... a person. Who was beautifully kind. And extremely smar—”

“You knew Jaz?”

She lets out a bitter chuckle.

“Jaz, she was my sister. I'd like to think I knew her. up until she started doing drugs, she was a different person then. She was. Worse th—”

“Sister?” The words don't make sense as they come out. A sister. So that's why they look so much alike? Was this Planned? my heart feels heavy. And i feel the vomit trying to come up.

“Look, you're. Clearly...the victim here. you—”

“Are you a addict? I say sharply? W- was any of that true? 13? Aunt?”

“No that’s just how Jaz got into it. I've. Just been. Wondering why. I've looked for you for years sevren. I've looked for you. at first. I...thought, you were someone who hurt her—”

“I'd never.” I say quickly. In a shaky voice.

“I know that now. But. Before... i didn't know you at all. i see what she saw in you sevren. I see why she turned into that person too, and for that…I’m sorry. All...i want to know. Is how she died.”

I let out a shaky breath. “So that's why? I knew something felt off. I knew...it.”

It's nothing grand.

Do i feel hurt I’ve been lied too? i dont care, not really. Just let it go.

“Jaz... she was nothing like me. She was spiteful, vindictive. And manipulative, although her less redeeming qualities. She was... perfect.”

“So when she told me she was upset with me...because i wanted to get clean. I was hurt. I wanted to make a family with her. Have kids. But she made that impossible. So... i just left... left her there. Alone... we both know how she struggled with depression... i knew. But still i, left her.”

“She must have thought i was leaving her alone. Even though...i’d never.”

“Then?”

“The nothing...everything. Then she was gone. Took an ounce in her blood... killed herself. Thats it. She was gone.”

“So then, she did this to you. She made you this way. you're not angry? She did this. It's her fault.”

“Yeah I know. But... I've always been happier in my sorrow.” I say with a smile. Thats right ignore the shattering feeling i feel in my chest.

“She shakes her head. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. I'm okay.”

She stands up. I see she's looking down at me. Something a little like horror, sadness, anger. The things i like. And once again I've succeeded. I've pushed her away.

My hands squeeze tightly. The empty room echoes with my heavy breathing. I'm not hurt. I'm not.

My hands shake slightly, as a lone tear falls down my face. it’s as i said.

The Obsession

It's nothing too grand. Just a headspace. My imagination. My bravado. My soul. My lifeline. But at the end of the day—it’s all a game, is it not?

Suddenly a voice cuts through the empty room. Sharp like a knife.

“I better see you here tomorrow sevren.”

My eyes widen with confusion.

“You may think like that sev. But i wont leave. So stop trying. Show up tomorrow. For Jez.”

“Okay?”

I inhale a deep breath. i hope...i can.

“Okay.”

THE END