A Different Breed of Hunger

This story contains sensitive content about: Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, and Mental Health.

Devon looked down at the empty plate with disbelief and tears in her eyes. She couldn't process the mess of emotions she was feeling. She looked up to find the woman's smile, full of warmth, love, joy, and pride in how far Devon had come. "We tend to become the person that we needed when we were children, if we're lucky."

Two months prior:

Devon could feel the hunger gnawing at her stomach, a feeling she had long ago learned to embrace and endure. She had even come to enjoy it, to crave it. From her family to the media, the message was unchanged. If you don't hate you body, you will soon, and you'll do whatever you hav to do to fix all these things that you never knew were wrong with you before They told you in intricate detail, pointing out the flaws, teaching you to despise every little bit of yourself until it consumes you.

You are what you eat. Sugar is poison, fat is disgusting, obesity comes from laziness, overeating is just moral weakness. You have to diet. You have to lose weight or you will be nothing. You will die lonely if you don't. Nothing tastes better than being thin. Nothing feels better than being thin. Nothing IS better than being thin. It was a painful lesson that had found many ways into her psyche, her thought processes, and the way she saw herself in the world.

Now look where it had landed her. A freaking eating disorder clinic. She stared down at the food hatefully, everything in her refused to take even a single bite of the greasy, carb-filled junk. She knew for a fact that it was WAY too much food, and full of all kinds of garbage foods. How dare these people try to convince her that "all foods fit" when she knew all too well which foods did NOT fit her? And that "Health At Every Size" concept did not apply to her.

She couldn't eat like other people. She had glared at the teenage boys who could take down an entire pizza and not gain an ounce while she ate nothing and gained pounds. No matter how hard she had fought to stick to a "healthy" diet, nothing had kept the weight off. Not until she had learned to love hunger. Suddenly, she couldn't stand the feeling that overwhelmed her when she looked down at the scale and the number was "too high", a number which had been decided upon arbitrarily, and without Devon's conscious participation. She wrapped her arms around herself, running slender fingers up and down the ribs that protruded from her skin. It was soothing, feeling the evidence of her thinness. It felt safe, secure, comforting. She needed it. She couldn't function without it.

She looked up as a stranger sat down across the table from her. The woman was sturdy and muscular, with long, dark curls and dark eyes with the wrinkles people get from the thousands of times that they have smiled. She looked completely at home in her body, imperfect, and beautiful. There was a peaceful confidence that radiated from her and felt like warm sunlight on cold day. She smiled gently and spoke softly,

"It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to be skeptical. It's okay not to clean your plate. But I want you to do something for me." Devon narrowed her eyes with suspicion.

"What do I have to do?"

"Close your eyes and imagine a little girl." Devon's expression spoke for her, the woman laughed, "Trust me." Devon shrugged and closed her eyes. "Picture an innocent little girl that is alone in the dark. She is scared and hurting. She is full of loss, grief and pain that she doesn't know how to deal with, nobody is helping her." Devon's eyebrows furrowed as she empathized with the suffering the little girl was experiencing. "What does she deserve?" the woman asked. Devon opened her eyes and growled, "She deserves help! She deserves to be safe and happy and loved!" The woman nodded, a smile touching the corners of her lips.

"Yes, she does. That little girl is still in there," she said, pointing at Devon's heart. "She's scared, hurting, and alone. There is only one person who can save her." those wrinkles around her eyes became more defined, "Who do you think it is?" Devon frowned,

"Me?" The woman nodded,

"I've found that apologizing to my inner child using sign language can be a very helpful first step." she demonstrated the sign and Devon copied her, then the woman asked,

"Do you think that little girl deserves food?" Devon tensed up, defensive and angry, ready to fight and reject this woman and her words, but she waited. As she waited, she slowly began to accept the words, to really think about the question, and to be painfully honest with herself.

"Yes" She practically whispered the word, but the woman heard her. Her eyes met Devon's,

"You don't have to do anything until you are ready, and you don't have to do anything that you aren't comfortable doing. Nobody is going to force you to eat, nobody is going to be angry or upset with you if you don't eat, there's no punishment. But I'll ask you to feed that little girl a couple of bites, if you can. There's a sticker in it for you and we have a pretty impressive selection, if I do say so myself." she added, her eyebrow raised comically. Devon looked down at the plate and shuddered. She looked back up at the woman.

"Just a coulple?" the woman nodded,

"I think she's hungry." A storm of emotions raged inside Devon's heart: fear, disgust, guilt, shame, pain, hunger, longing, sadness, and the unbearable weight of what she carried around with her everywhere she went. Maybe she could put it all down, just for a couple of bites. Just a couple.