Mercy

I lied

???

I don’t deserve you. Or this. I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have kept it a secret but I made excuses not to tell you and now it’s this nagging truth in my head. You have school in a few weeks and I can’t risk you leaving, thinking you have a future with a liar…I know you’ll be angry and I don’t blame you. I didn’t grow up with my parents or in the way I told you. I was an orphan and lived in a foster home for almost all my childhood until one year when they told the remaining children in my age group that a last-minute request for a male child had come in. It was a once off opportunity and I was sick of the bland lunches and lack of affection from that place. Too many videos on YouTube had shown me all the stuff that I wasn’t getting that I wanted. I wanted love, friends, a school to go to and a life to build. I’ve always been a dreamer so I knew I needed to get out there. I was sixteen. I didn’t know better. That’s an excuse but I just want you to understand why I did what I did at the time.

What is it? Talk to me

I heard the women who worked at the foster home talking about what the parents were looking for. They were comparing me to the other four boys in every aspect of our being. I wasn’t so good at taking instructions and I had a bit of a record for being troublesome. The family was wealthy and needed a strong teenage boy to help with tending to the administration of their business because the patriarch was losing strength by the day. He was ill and they wanted him taken care of at home instead of dying in a cold hospital room.

Those women called me a lost cause and it all sounded like they’d make sure that I wasn’t the one chosen to go with the family. It felt like a life or death situation and I had to do something. Again, this all happened back then. I wasn’t who I am now and what I did was wrong. I’m sorry I lied to you. It just hit me that being an opportunist, in this case, won’t get me anywhere. I know that I owe God for what I did and maybe this is my cost. The debt I have to pay…losing you.

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I poisoned the other boys. None of them died. I knew we all wanted out of there and that it was probably the best opportunity that any of us would ever encounter in that hell hole. I was convinced I needed it and deserved it more than the rest. I knew I wasn’t liked by the women so no one would plead my case, then I took matters into my own hands. I got some pills that were painkillers, or so I thought, and crushed a lot of them to sprinkle the powder into their juice cups whenever we went into the dining hall. This happened for 5 days until the family was due to come in and take whomever they’d chosen. We were all waiting in anticipation, in our rooms with our best clothes and shoes on, but they all looked so tired. They hadn’t told the women who were looking after us what they were feeling but they looked it. Tired and untidy. I was the best-looking apple on the tree. When the family arrived, they spoke to the women outside first before walking into the house to find us beaming at them competitively. They stared long and hard at each of us before the lady nodded at me and told the women to get my bags. I froze until Billy nudged me, bringing me back to the present. I was also the tallest of us and I guess I figured my height against their shortness and untidy appearances would win my new parents over. It worked. What sucked was when I was selected, ‘til this day, I felt like a fraud. I am a fraud.

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I’m sorry. I love you. That’s why I’m telling you. I know Jesus wouldn’t have done what I did and He definitely doesn’t want me living in falsehood. He sets us free of our sins and burdens, right? I can’t start over and keep secrets. I also can’t let you think you know me completely. That boy is not who I am now but he’s a part of my past. I regret it every day, and I’ve reached out to each of them to meet and apologize. Billy told me he found the packet of the tablets I was drugging them with under my mattress. He says he forgave me a long time ago because two months later, he was picked up by a single father, who was a widower, and wanted a child to hang out with and love as his own. He says loneliness saved his life. The Lord indeed works in mysterious ways.

It took me over two years to ask God for forgiveness and then forgive myself. I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m sorry Vick. I love you. I hope someday you’ll forgive me.

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Thank you for loving me. I won’t forget you. And I’ll definitely pray for you, even when you’re at school. You’ll do amazing and they’ll be lucky to share the same space with you.

Two weeks later.

Kevin.

I need to see you.

I have the farewell party today, at my parents’ place. Can you come? My parents don’t know anything about this. I don’t plan on telling them or anyone. I just want you to look at me when I tell you that I love you too. And that I honor you for the man you are today.

I didn’t respond to you because I needed to talk to God first. I judged you and started thinking you don’t deserve me because you lied. Then I took it all to prayer and asked for God’s insight. Faithful as He is, we had a conversation and I can tell you about that if you come tonight. The party starts at 8pm. I hope you come. Mom and dad will be happy to see you, they’ve been asking why we haven’t met up in the past weeks. I don’t want to lose you, and I’m not angry. Come tonight. We’ll talk.

Vick. I thought you were gone already. I’d love to see you. I might look a bit different from when we last saw each other. I’ll probably have a lot to say too when I see you. I miss you so much. I’ll be there

Typing…

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