My dearest what if

Dear what if,

I’m sitting on the rooftop, looking over the houses and into the windows, trying to catch a glimpse of a happy moment because I don’t like the current scene of my own movie. In some way, I have lost count, count of how many cigarettes, I have smoked up here, count of how long I have been sitting on this damp bench, count of what I’m truly feeling, I’ve lost count on the universe.

I’m always the one saying that everything happens for a reason. All my life, I’ve believed that the cards were dealt before we even entered the room, that the hands were planed out, that the shuffled deck of cards had been laid out thoughtfully and not just by chance. I’ve been certain that what is meant to be will just be, no matter what we do, but I just can’t wrap my mind around why it had to end this way with you.

The last time I saw you, you told me that you like me a lot and you made me smile all the way home. However, now I can no longer regard it as a happy memory because you are forced to leave this country.

You opened up to me and told me that you had never done that with anyone before, that I was the first girl, first person, you ever felt like you could truly talk to. Back then I really liked the thought of it, and I’d be lying if I’d say that I didn’t pray to god for it be true, but right now I just hope that it was nothing but a lie to you.

Somehow, I wish that I had met you earlier. Perhaps, then I also would’ve seen your clouds and not just your rainbow. Or perhaps, at least I would’ve experienced all your vibrant colors, even though it would’ve made my world appear even more in black and white once you disappear. For now, we only have good memories, no fights, no grudges to hold against each other, not even a single thought of how we may have not matched.

I’m not worried about you, no, I’m certain that you’ll do great, no matter where you end up. Your marvelous personality and the liveliness, you carry in you, will lead you to all your goals and bring in all the right people.

Perhaps, you just needed me to realize that you are capable of opening up to people, that you can really like someone. Perhaps, you were just a sign from the universe for me to comprehend that the type of guy that I long to have by my side actually does exist. Then again perhaps, we could’ve had it all, we could’ve smoked endless Lucky Strikes on my rooftop together, danced countless nights away, cried in each other’s arms when the world felt like a betrayal, watched all the movies on your list and… Yes, perhaps we could’ve fallen in love. However, once again these are just a fraction of the what ifs in my head, just one small piece of the humongous puzzle of emotions, I’m trying to solve. And I hate to admit it, but the answers have forever slipped through our fingers and are leaving the country with you, for you are the solution to my riddle and I am yours.

I have no idea when your are leaving, how much time we have left and it scares me. Perhaps it won’t be the same anymore when we see each other because we both know that there is no sense in this, that getting closer will just hurt even more, but what if we meet to say our goodbyes and we just make it count? What if we did everything that we feared to experience because now we have nothing left to lose? What if our next date feels infinite because we know that it’ll be the last, we’ll ever get?

I strive to be there for you but I don’t know how you’re truly feeling. I wonder if I’m overreacting when I return to the rooftop night after night to smoke endless Lucky Strikes all alone, just because I know that soon you will no longer be able to share them with me.

I started my new year with you and for some reason, I thought that you would be a major part of this unopened chapter in my life. But I fear that we truly are just the dancers and not the DJ, just the gamblers and not the dealers.

I wonder how long it’ll actually take me to get over you, if one day the only time, I ever think about you will be, when I bump into the songs I liked because of you. I wonder wether I will then just roll my eyes and skip them. Or maybe I’ll listen to them as melancholy once again spreads in my heart and memories of you invade my head because I don’t associate you with anything but long winter walks, cheap wine from the local store while we explore each other.

No matter what, I wish you all the best this world could possibly give. I hope that you only shed tears from laughter, that you never end up with cards you despite, that you effortlessly let the wind carry you to all your destinations, that you never end up on a rooftop giving your all to remind yourself that true happiness also exists in this rigged casino.

Yours,

Perhaps also a what if to you

Dear what if,

It’s 4 a.m. and once again, I am sitting on the rooftop.

It has been five days since the last time that we saw each other. Seven days ago I picked you up at the main station and believe it or not, you did not let me down, not even a bit. Every second that we spent together was like out of one of the romantic movies on your list.

However, your visit was like a Long Island ice tea. It was sugary because of each others full presence, thanks to long nights spent kissing by the river and the absence of fear, but that sweetness was just covering up the endless bitterness. I could sense the melancholy inside of you. Every night, you pressed me harder into your chest, as if you were hoping that at some point I would melt into your body, so you could take me to your home country with you. At some point your touch developed a certain urgency. We could hear the time ticking away in the silence of my room. On the last morning, I could hear your heart beating faster than the hands of my rigged clock. The cocktail was strong, it grabbed you right away and made you long for more. Perhaps, that’s why we decided to see each other one more time before you left. We planed to have one last cheap drink at your place on your final day in this country. That’s why, we didn’t say our goodbyes at the main station when you were heading back home. We were so certain that we had more time. Our minds were made up, we wanted to procrastinate on the epilogue as much as possible.

But, dear what if, I’ve decided to resign from suggesting songs to the damned DJ. What difference does it make anyway if he already came with a crowd of songs which are waiting to be played? As the hands of the little clock ran on loop, the day that we were supposed to meet came along and I remained in bed with a high fever. The train that we thought was destined to bring me to you, went on according to plan without me. I sent you my goodbyes as a short text, telling you that it was impossible for me to make it. Even though, I truly was burning up, I’m uncertain wether or not, it was fear that had lit up the fire inside of my body. Perhaps, I was a coward, too fragile to say my farewells in person.

And so, I never got to hear your heart beat going faster, while we kiss goodbye. The words, we were preparing to tell each other, never passed the threshold of our lips. They just rested there like the unsolved alcohol at the bottom of a cocktail.

Now, as I sit on the roof top, I can’t help but to wonder wether or not you will develop the film of your analogue camera which you filled with moments of us. The one with pictures of us in front each station of our pub crawl, with scenes of us dancing at the jazz bar, goofing around at the flea market and smoking Lucky Strikes on this same roof top.

Whenever I’m trying to get over someone, I go back to the bad moments, but for the first time there are none. Brand new knives really do cut deep.

I’m done looking for black in your rainbow and that is why, I have come to the conclusion that you will forever remain my dearest „what if“.

Yours,

Perhaps also a what if to you

Dear what if,

Today I threw away your toothbrush, the only other one that stood next to mine. Then I dug my nose into the clothes, you wore at my place for one last time, before tossing them on my Mount Everest of laundry. They melted right in, for just like my other outfits they had been worn out, fulfilled their mission and were just waiting to be reused in new memories.

I have now replaced Lucky Strikes with Marlboros and while I tell the others that it’s because they burn my throat, perhaps it’s just your absence that aches me. However, no matter what type of cigarettes, I hold in my hands, I can still spot us everywhere on the rooftop. I miss all those moments, and frankly I miss you, I truly do, and maybe, just maybe, you miss me too.

Even though, we have lost touch at the moment, I hope that our paths will meet again someday. Until then, I wish you the best this world could give.

Yours,

Perhaps also a what if to you

Dear what if,

Last night I kissed a stranger because he reminded me of you. Frankly, his personality was quite odd, but he sounded like you and he wore the same clothes. There was a moment of doubt, but once our lips touched and I closed my eyes, he transformed into you. He kissed just like you, subtle and yet full of life. I start to feel your hand around my waist, even the imprints of your chunky ring. I am no longer in the middle of the crowd with him, I’m on the rooftop with you. Our songs are playing and we are lost in our kiss, as if it were the final one that we never got to experience. Your curly hair goes in between my fingers and I grab them as tight as I can. But suddenly, you pull away and as I open my eyes, I find myself in some else’s arms. It is no longer you, it’s a guy with straight hair, who I leave on the dance floor and never see again.

At home, I laid in bed and wondered: Why can’t you be here with me? Dear what if, wasn’t there really a way for you to stay? I close my eyes and put my arm around a pillow as if it were you, but this time I don’t even need to open my eyes to know that it’s not us, just me and the memories. You are far away and perhaps, you’ve met someone new in the past two months. Perhaps, I am the only one who is still holding on to pillows and strangers. Perhaps, it is time to move on because I fear that I will never open my eyes and find myself in your arms again. Perhaps, all that is left really are just the what ifs in my head.

Yours

Perhaps also a what if to you

Dear what if,

I promise that this is the last time, I’m writing to you.

It has now almost been 4 months since the last time we saw each other, since the last time our lips touched, since the last time you made me laugh. During this whole time, I never gave up on us. I was certain that one day you would text or call me. Daydreaming of you, waiting for me in front of my building when I return home, was my most hopeful daily disappointment. I was so sure that you would come back, that this was just a pause in our story, a little bump on the road, that everything would be exactly like it used to be.

However, today I realized that the guy I remember, probably doesn’t even exist anymore. You were forced to leave and took your personality to grow with you. I was left with the memories and my personality to grow with me. We are no longer who we used to be and our time together is officially over.

Today I realized that even if you were to come back, you would eventually have to leave again for your life isn’t here and it never will be. Meeting again would just add new memories to our collection and cause more pain. I fear that I no longer want to drink Long Islands.

Today, I realized that we never would’ve worked out because we were both too naive and young. It opened my eyes to the dark shades of your rainbow which I had been ignoring all along. I believe that if we were meant to be, we would have been already.

Today I realized what us losing touch actually means.

Dear what if, this is why, I finally did it. Today, I blocked you.

I no longer want to wonder if you’ll ever return because now the door isn’t open anymore.

I still miss the time we spent together, but I’m aware that we can never have it back. You will forever be a good memory, a nice thought, but dear what if, you are no longer a what if to me.

Yours,

Perhaps no longer a what if to you too

Dear memory,

I am now writing to you with a different name because I don’t want to break my promise and yet the need to direct these words towards you still remains. In addition, you’ve outgrown your old label, for our story is no longer a riddle that I’m trying to solve inside of my head.

It has now been a year since our chapter has ended and our memories are no longer vivid.

A couple of days ago, I realized that I had been wearing your t-shirt for quite some time, without even noticing it. Your stain has completely been washed out of the fabric and I have trouble remembering the color of your toothbrush. Sometimes I forget that you had sat, right were I am sitting, that we had gone to certain locations together before, that you had touched me, the way he now does.

Frankly, I barely think of you, but today I went to a café and traveled back in time. I didn’t think much when I found out that a band was gonna play. I stayed outside to read some more and I didn’t even smoke for I quite after our story ended. As the music started playing, I went inside to discover what the woman was singing. I watched the lead singer for a while, not thinking a thing. Then, suddenly, I saw a guy, standing next to her. For a second I was caught by surprise. Two classy black leather shoes, peaking out from under oversized, blue jeans. A simple shirt, which still somehow seemed to have a story to tell. Curly brown hair, leading to a rather round face, covered by an irregular layer of beard. And last but not least, two big brown eyes, that I hadn’t seen in a long time, but that remained familiar.

No, it wasn’t you, for you are miles away and probably no longer even look like that. However, seeing that stranger grabbed me by the neck, up from the floor that I was sitting on, to last year at this time. The days, when you held my face in the palms of your hands with that special tenderness that you carried within you.

I stared at the unknown man and wished that it was actually you. No, not because I wish you were here, but simply because the stranger looked happy. He had his eyes shut and it felt like he was at peace as he played the guitar. The smile on his face never faded away, no matter how sad the song got. If there is one thing that I wish for you, it is that you are content, even though, I’m not by your side to experience you in that state.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that I enjoyed the time that we spent together and I wish you the best hands that have ever been dealt in this casino. I hope that you fly your kite towards infinity, that you never fear your never ending blue skies, that you get to understand the essence of a feather, that you hold whatever, you have been chasing after, in the palms of your hands.

Yours,

Nothing but a memory

Letters written, but never sent.