Cracks in the Ice

CW: Sexual content

Cracks in the ice

By Jessica Titsworth

I always like to go back and remember places I have been in other timelines and dimensions. One of my favorites is when I lived in what we in society thought was the perfect white picket fence house neighborhood. That's not why I liked it but it was the energy that surrounded me. Everything seemed to work out and I was never in fear.

I was in my 40's, no kids, and single. I went to work everyday to a job that I loved. I traveled all the time, had a small handful of friends, and stayed in the house with my animals when I wanted. Sure people disagreed and wanted me to do more of the normal things people do at this age, which if anybody figures out what that is please tell me. I thought I was normal.

I decided after a therapy session that I might try to get out more but by myself. One thing I never had done was go to a bar or restaurant by myself. During this time I met several ladies in their 30-40’s that took themselves out. It wasn’t to meet anyone, it was just to get out of the house and maybe mingle. I talk so much that I always felt I would end up sitting and talking to myself without even realizing it. My luck someone would record and put it on the internet. Don’t get me wrong I have been by myself to a little hole in the wall bar, but those people were not worried about what I was doing. I am sure everyone in there was talking to themselves. What made me nervous was going to a fancy restaurant or fancy bar and maybe seeing someone I know. This sounds so stupid but it's the truth and I am so happy to be able to revisit this time. This was during a time of major transition in my life.

I was a fashionista, and loved to buy clothes. I didn’t have to have a name brand but I liked to look nice. I loved to coordinate outfits, from the hair, jewelry, shirt pants, and socks. The thing I wasn’t really into was the shoes, and makeup. I hated shoes and sweated too much to wear make-up. My goal was to make sure I bought shoes that went with everything with no heels. The most during this time that I wore as far as makeup was mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lipgloss. This happened maybe 5 times in the year randomly. I felt I was pretty simple and that was appropriate.

I had times that I would order several coordinated outfits in hope to wear them somewhere. I would always end up wearing it to work which of course had to be adjusted to the work enviorment. I insisted on wearing some of it so I felt that was the best thing to do.

I think now I was seeking approval of the outfit before I wore it out, I could talk myself out of anything. “People are going to think I’m desperate if I am at a place alone", “ I don’t look as good as I think and people will talk about me”. Low self esteem city right! Then on the occasions that I felt comfortable my excuse would be the weather, or Premenopausal symptoms.

After doing some work on myself, and meeting some good people I was ready. I had the perfect outfit that I had just coordinated and just got a new hair unit. The place I wanted to go I felt would be small enough to not overstimulate my thoughts. I had been there with a work friend after work for a glass of wine. My friend and I went on Valentine's Day by accident. We had just had a busy day at work and wanted to have a glass. They had it all decorated cute and a group of ladies were there having a little valentines day dinner and seemed to be having a great time! When I was coordinating my outfit this place came to mind and I decided to do it. The most important thing I forgot was that it was 5 minutes from my house.

I left work on a Thursday after having a snow day prior. It was very cold! Snow had not melted all the way but the roads were clear. I do remember during this time that I hated winter because I did not have a garage and cleaning my car off was a pain. I pulled up in my drive way. I heard the ice crack under my tires as I drove up due to a small dip where melted snow would freeze at night if it was cold enough. At that point I had talked myself out of it already because I thought to myself there is probably black ice on my street, and I’m not going to be able to park due to the snow on the streets. I went in the house and sat on the couch about to call my friend and tell her I chickened out. When I decided to plug my phone up instead.

I started doing my normal routine and getting ready for bed, and relax time. My clothes were laid out on my chair right in front of me where I couldn’t get in the bed without moving them. I wonder if subconsciously I knew and put them there on purpose. I had a hype moment and said fuck it I am going. I got dressed which didn’t take long because like I mentioned before I am a pretty simple girl.

Around 7pm I was ready, I sent my friend a message and sent, “I am getting in the car now”. My friend sent me a smiley emoji with a “I am shocked” emoji as well. I also started sharing my location with her just in case. I grab my boots and put them on with my flat but very cute red shoes in hand and my purse. I backed out my drive way crunch crunch….. This time I didn’t let it change my mind.

I drive five minutes down the road to the downtown area and try to find a parking spot where it would be an easy exit at the end of the night. There were several available on the street and I amazingly got a close one. I walk into the nice quiet warm place, a hostess with a large smile greets me at the door and seats me right where I would have chosen if I had the choice. My back was to the wall in a corner where I could see people but people couldn't necessarily see me unless they were sitting at a certain table in the distance.

She handed me a menu and told me my waitress would be right with me. I told her to let them know I was in no hurry. There were maybe a handful of people in what I am going to refer to as a lounge. This was the vibe I was getting this night vs the first time I came in with a friend. I walked up to the bar and asked for a whisky and coke on the way to the restroom. When I am nervous sometimes I have to move or talk to someone to calm down. I guess I should have sat at the bar but I didn’t want to be seen. The young lady said, “Of course I will be your waitress and it will be here when you return.” I smiled and walked off like this was my norm while sweat was running down my back. The reason for the bathroom trip was to cool down from my walk into the lounge and to see what I looked like.

After around 3 minutes of drying my face and taking deep breaths I walked out to see the hostess talking to a table with another menu and a confused handsome gentleman. I could hear him say “ The person I am here with has not arrived yet and it looks like someone is sitting here.” He had a big grin on his face and was very polite. The hostess looked directly at me and chuckled, and said “ My fault! that's what I get for assuming”. I chuckled too and started towards the table with my drink. I sat down and looked up and there he was at the table that was directly across the lounge but allowed you to see me directly. He was laughing and looking at me shaking his head so I waved, smiled and picked up my menu. This was something I do all the time so flirting was not new to me and it actually helped me calm down. Remember I was there for me not to meet anyone and obviously he is meeting someone.

I order some appetizers, a couple more drinks, text a couple of friends, look at Tik Toc and talk to the hostess to keep myself occupied. I actually was enjoying myself and forgot all about the incident with the gentleman. This entire time he had been seated across the way with his lady friend and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. I remember thinking they are a good couple, able to come out and enjoy themselves. I also remembered wondering how long they had been married because they both looked to me what a married couple would look like. I also wondered if he had any friends. I think he felt me thinking about all these scenarios because soon after that he looked up, and smiled at me again. I waved again, I almost got up to go ask how embarrassed he would have been if he had sat there and I showed up. Then I told myself you can’t go flirting with this man right in front of his lady friend. That would be rude and you might get cussed out. I sat for maybe 30 min more to sober up a little and finish up an appetizer. It was around 09:30pm and I decided it would be ok to leave. I was proud of myself and I felt like it was a successful outing. The hostess comes to me with the bill and states “It's taken care of” with a huge smile on her face. I look down and read the sticky note attached to it. “Your Welcome :) Don’t leave, I want to meet my wife”. I looked at her and her eyes went to the gentleman at the table. She then sat down and told me what happened after the misunderstanding with the tables.

“ After I sat him down he asked me if you had anyone coming and I told him no.” He said now why would you sit me at her table if she was alone. I said well in my mind I guess yall looked like a couple and it was automatic. He was so mannerable and inquisitive that I felt that he may be interested. After that I made it my quest to find out if he was romantically involved with the person he was meeting.” Later I talked with their waitress in the back and she told me that they seemed to be friends because of the way they were talking. Their waitress said the lady was complaining to him about her husband or boyfriend. Their waitress also told me he did not have a ring on.” I did notice that the lady was getting phone calls and looked to be getting ready to leave. I walked by and he asked me to come back in a minute, he had a question. “ The lady smiled when he said this and said good luck as she gathered her purse and bill.” I looked at him and he said you already know what I am about to say, and I played dumb of course but he handed me his credit card and your bill. I asked how he had gotten your bill and he said that his lady friend told your waitress to give him the bill.” Then I came over here. “

I was totally embarrassed and had already turned my body to where I could not see him looking at me but I definitely could feel him looking. I heard the hostess giggle and when I looked up he was standing beside her and said” How is my wife I have never met”. I think everyone in the restaurant except me knew he was interested because everyone was looking or I was just being dramatic. I am sure no one cared except for the hostess. I asked him to have a seat and told him thank you. He of course was like it was his pleasure, and ordered us a couple of more drinks. HB (my nickname for him after that night). HB and I talked for another hour and enjoyed watching the younger crowd that came in later and turned it into a dance club. Once we were unable to hear ourselves talk we decided to leave. HB asked for my keys and went to warm my car while I changed into my boots. Once my car was warm and I was safe in my car he went on his way. I did make sure I got the hostess phone number because if this did end up being my Husband I wanted to invite her to the wedding.

I arrived home safe driving over my crunchy dip in my driveway. I looked in the rear view mirror and gosh darn I looked happy! I went out by myself and met a few new people that gave me a bit of joy. I lay in bed thinking how hard it was to get that jump start earlier but how easy it was after that.

HB and I started talking the very next day, and it led to us meeting right back at the same place the very next Friday. We did manage to leave before the young crowd came in. We decided that wasn’t our forte’.Things I found out during this week was he was not married, my age, CEO of a big corporation, adult kids, and he does not live in town. HB was in town for some training but would be leaving in a week. I was bitter sweet because I was enjoying the company, and the excitement but kind of ready to get back to my norm. I was honest and told him the same, and he agreed and thanked me for my honesty. We were to enjoy the time we have.

Next Friday, he came to pick me up from my house because it was snowing again and I did not want to deal with my driveway. I decided I would stay with him at his hotel for the last night so I was getting a bag together. I heard the ice under his truck tires crunch as he drove up. I opened the door and the cold wind blew on me and his face looked down at me pleading with me ....” Can we stay in, it's too cold.” I was excited to hear him say that because it was too cold.

I ran upstairs to change immediatley, he yelled as I was running to calm down my Crazy”!! I felt my face blush with joy, I was excited to be in my house all cozy with someone I enjoyed being around.

When I came back he was sitting on my couch with the fireplace going and two glasses of wine poured. He always had a play list going, so of course he had this blue toothed to my speakers. I grabbed one of the glasses, undressed and straddled his lap embracing my pleasure….

The next morning I woke up to this perfect person I just met two weeks ago. I nudge him out of his sleep and he turns over with his eyes still shut and grabs my body. I resisted, which made him open his eyes, and when he did I asked him, Who are you? He laughs, sits up half way and grabs my nipple with his thumb and index finger and says… You will see….

The day went on as such, laughing , cuddling, eating, having sex, making future plans. Then it came to that time where I knew HB had to leave, and my little sleepover was about to end. For the first time in this type of situation I didn’t feel the fear that I would never see him again or he would act differently the next time we were together. He made sure to come up with some new outfit combinations for when he came back. This made me happy because that means he listened when I was telling him about what I liked. I jumped up on him and gave him a big goodbye hug. I stand on the porch as he backs out of the drive way, crackling all the frozen ice in the dip of my driveway. The snow falling and me wondering when we would meet again, 2 weeks, 1 month, 1 year, I didn’t know but I knew there would be a time.