Remote Control

Fast forwarding through some of the video tapes I took over the years of Elizabeth and I shared together as tears flow down my face. All those memories of our lives.

Cancer is such an ugly word. I had no way of knowing when I left the hospital that evening four years ago, that would be my farewell to forty years of my marriage to my high school sweetheart. Through the final six months as I watched her suffer, the reality of it all came crashing down on me.

Her funeral was surreal to me at the time, but when I came home to an empty house, the weight of her departure crushed me as I closed the door. There was an echo that I could not bear. And as I climbed the stairs, I prayed that I could find a way to fix the broken places she left behind. The truth is, I’m still working on it. Tasks that I once considered easy are not so any longer. I strain and ache each time I scale the stairs. My son has told me that I’d be better off in one of those old folks places, but I just can’t see myself living there.

So, I sit here playing these beta video tapes, so I won’t forget her laughter which is my greatest fear. It is, however, a poor substitute, but it is all I have left of her now.

Sorry if I sound melancholic, but you must understand, Elizabeth Marston was the love of my life, and I very much miss her.

“Dad.” I hear Terry, my son’s voice on my cell phone, “I was wondering if you’d like to take a walk in the park with me and the kids.”

I know what he is doing and I love him for it. He is making sure I’m managing alright. His wife Judith is an attorney, and he is a stay-at-home dad with his two daughters Megan and Jessica. Both of them are as cute as buttons.

It was my fault. One night I invited them over to the house for pizza. While the girls were playing games on their cell phones, I happened to mention that I was feeling depressed. During my rambling, I told them I couldn’t wait until I joined Beth. Terry rebuked me immediately remembering the nightmare of his mother’s illness.

“Sure.” I answered.

“I’ll pick you up in about an hour.” He said cheerfully before pressing the red button on his cell phone.

Before he came, I continued to watch the videos. My God, she was beautiful. She was all dressed up for Terry’s fifth birthday. Pressing a button, I can come to another memory. When I get to the third memory, my cheeks are wet with tears. I’d better put this remote control away. I do not wish to my grandkids seeing their grandfather cry. Grandpas don’t cry.

The walk takes my mind off of my previous melancholy mood. I take both of the girls’ hands as we walk around the pond in the park.

“Are there fish in there?” Megan points to the pond.

“Most assuredly.” I answer.

“Can we go fishing?” Jessica asks.

“Oh, I would not eat anything that came out of that smelly pond.” Judith grimaces.

“Why not?” Jessica whines.

“Because it’s dirty and unhealthy.” Judith insists.

“So, girls, the answer is no.” I chuckled.

After we have completed the path around the pond, Terry finds a relatively clean picnic table to put the picnic basket. Judith begins to dig sandwiches out of the basket and handing one of them to each of us.

“Mom, I don’t like mustard.” Megan complains after taking a bite.

“Child, you are one of the fussiest eaters I know.” Judith shakes her head. “I have juice boxes.”

“And I have beer.” Terry hands me a can. I remember when he was eighteen sneaking some of the beers out of the refrigerator to pass out to his friends in the backyard. I never said anything, because Beth would not agree. Since none of the boys were driving, I didn’t think this would do any harm. It didn’t.

Judith drove me home near sunset. I had a wonderful time, but I knew when I walked in the door the emptiness would follow me in like an uninvited guest. I flop down on the couch. Picking up the remote control, I begin to watch the videos again. Two hours later, I wake up. The video is over. It’s time for bed.

Walking up the stairs I’ve climbed for over thirty years, I stop at the top, because I hear her voice. While my head is filled with sleep, Beth’s voice is crystal clear.

“Henry, push the button.”

“What button?” I hear her voice, but she is nowhere to be seen.

“The button on the remote control.”

“What remote control?” I am mystified. Am I dreaming still?

“The one I have in my hand.” Her voice echoes in my head. I reach out my hand. When I feel something in my palm, I look and see a remote control has been placed in my hand. It is time to wake up from this very disturbing dream. I’ve had these dreams shortly after she passed away.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I ask to no one there.

“It can control time.” Her voice is just a whisper now.

“Time?” I shake my head.

“Yes Henry, you just ser the year in the digital display.”

“What if I set it for ten years ago?” I ask still wondering if I am dreaming this.

“Then it will bring you to the time and year you have set it for.”

“Forgive me if I am a bit skeptical.” I continue to stare at the remote control.

“Remember the night we went out dancing?”

“How can I forget?” I chuckle, “You were so beautiful.”

“And you were so handsome.”

“It was before Terry was born.” I proclaim.

“And the reason nine month later he was.”

“Yes, that is quite a memory.” I smile.

“Why waste your time looking at those old videos?”

“Because they remind me of all the times we shared.” I take a deep breath.

“What if you could share them with me as I was then?”

“It doesn’t work like that, dear.” I answer.

“What if it could?”

“It would be wonderful.” I bow my head.

“Then set the year for 1977. We were dancing at a club on August 22cd.”

“I remember.” My voice drifted a bit.

“Go ahead dear, set the time for August 22, 1977. I will see you there.”

“Beth?” I waited, but there was no answer, “Beth are you there?”

Still there was no answer. I looked at the remote control in my hand. The digital keyboard was like my cell phone.

“Just the date?” I wondered, “How would it know where to send me?”

I pondered this for a few minutes and decided to do what her voice had told me to do.

When I pressed enter after typing in the date, the room began to swirl, and the colors blended into a formless mass. All the objects in the room I was standing in became blurred and misshaped. I closed my eyes to keep from becoming nauseated by the rapid movement.

While I kept my eyes closed, I heard a recording of Elvis Pressley singing, “Love Me Tender.”

I opened my eyes. There were stars everywhere as a light shined on a revolving disco ball suspended from the ceiling in the middle of the large room. In this room there were many couples dancing to this tender song.

“Hey there handsome.” Someone was whispering in my ear, “Wanna dance?”

When I looked up, I saw Beth smiling at me wearing a dress with a low cut neck line. Her turned up nose, her crooked smile, and her hair teased up into almost a halo over her head. As I held out my hand, she gently took it and led me out to the middle of the room where the other couples were dancing.

“I love this song.” She put her arm around my waist as we began to dance. I took her other hand and held it up as we moved cheek to cheek.

“I love being with you.” I whispered in her ear. Her cheeks turned a rosy color as she blushed.

“I wish we could make time stand still.” She looked up at me with her sparkling blue eyes and her red crescent smile as Elvis sang the chorus of this magic song.

“Yes, me too.” I felt the remote control in my jacket pocket. There was a button with a square box imprinted on it. As I recall from living in a technical world, that symbol meant “Stop.” Slipping my hand into my pocket, I pulled the remote out and pressed the box.

A hush fell over the room as everyone froze like statues except me.

I took a step back from Beth who was frozen in a pose with her head tilted back, eyes closed as her smile revealed her contentment. This was the night we feel in love and I was getting to share it with her as I had shared it back then. What was this remote control that could make time stand still or take me back to when life was sweet and good. Before all of the weight of time passing by like a freight train began to crush us. Looking at her now all I could see was her beauty lost in time.

She was barely eighty pounds when she went to sleep one evening and never work up. I remember when I came into her room with her breakfast tray, I looked down at her sallow face and knew what had happened. It came as no surprise, but still I gasped before calling Terry. I needed help, because I was too overcome to do what needed to be done.

Frozen in that moment because of the remote control I held in my hands, I could see the woman I feel in love with in this moment of time. Most people are never lucky enough to experience a moment like this more than once. I wanted to savor it like the golden moment it was, because the first time I did not appreciate it as I should have. When the coroner came and took her away that morning, all I had left were those damned videos which I have been playing to keep her memory alive, hoping that there’d be some way to bring her back to me. Fool that I am, I somehow managed to do just that thanks to this remote. But as I stand here watching her frozen in time because of that controller, I begin to understand why it is important to cherish these moments in our life since they may never come again.

Gazing down at the remote, I can feel a tear drop slowly make its way down my cheek. With all the strength that’s in me, I press the “Play” button and Elvis ends his song.

“Is something wrong dear?” She asks me noticing the tear traveling down my cheek.

“No, nothing.” I smile as we make our way back to the table.

“That was marvelous.” She is still holding my hand.

“You were terrific.” I nodded smiling.

“I wish this night would never end.” She sighs.

“Careful what you wish for.” I chuckled my hand in my pocket over the remote control.

Around midnight we walked out of the college gymnasium hand in hand. I opened the passenger door to my Dodge Dart like the gentleman my mother raised me to be and helped her into my car. I hustled to get into the driver’s seat. I drove to my apartment where we spent the night.

A few weeks later she informed me that I was going to be a father. Our next stop would be at the justice of the peace to get married. Terry’s birth nearly killed them both according to what the doctor told me.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Suttecliff.” The doctor walks up to me in the waiting room waking me from a fitful nap on the uncomfortable chairs. He glances at his chart as my heart skips a beat, “You wife, Elizabeth, had a very rough delivery, but she and the baby are doing fine. It’s just she won’t be able to have any more children. Why don’t you go in and see how she’s doing?”

When I did go in there, she is in tears. She begins to say things about how she let me down and what good is it to go one. I pull out the remote control and press the “Fast Forward” button, because this moment is just too difficult for me to relive. I don’t depress the button too long, because the first moment the nurse brings me my son was a life-changing moment that I do not want to miss.

The moments that followed live close to my heart. Sure, we spoiled him, but his life turned out to be just fine. We went to his high school and college graduation. We went to his wedding when he married Judith. We were at the hospital two times for the birth of their daughters. I refuse to look back with regret, because overall I’ve had a good life.

The room begins to swirl as colors blend into a solid mass once again. I do not close my eyes this time as I find myself standing in the room where I started. Nothing is out of place. Nothing has been disturbed during my journey. I am home.

“See how wonderful your life is.”

“Yes…yes, I do.” My hand is trembling as I hold the remote.

“You are a good man, Henry Suttecliff.” Through the shadow and light, I see her walking toward me, “Now, I must take this back.”

She takes the remote control from my hand.

“No, I want to go back.” I shake my head.

“You can’t.” Her eyes flood with tears.

“Why not?” I moan.

“This is just a temporary devise.” She holds the remote up, “Your time as run out.”

“What do you mean?” I ask with a shrug.

“All there is has come and gone.” She looks at me with an expression of pity.

“What do you mean?” I ask a bit unnerved.

“Love me tender, love me true…”

The music streams from an undisclosed place.

“Shall we dance, Henry?” She reaches out and takes my hand. I hold her close to me until the music stops.