Take Only the Necessities

Ricardo wanted to sit there forever. On his bed, staring out the window, staring out into his backyard. He wanted to sit there and let the memories fill his mind. He wanted to sit there, because maybe if he sat there, if he didn’t move, he would never have to leave. He could stop time. He could sit there forever.

He let his eyes wander around the room. The room he had grown up in. The room he used to share with his older brother, Ramon, but Ramon had died last year from a bullet wound. Ricardo shook his head, as if he could shake the thought from his mind. Because that was the last thing he wanted to think about. That was the last thing he should be thinking about. Because as much as he wanted to sit there, on his bed, in the room he and his brother had grown up in, and even though he never wanted to leave, he knew that by this time tomorrow, he would be on a train going to a place he had never been to, to fight a war that he didn’t want to fight in. The same war that Ramon had died in.

He knew he should pack. He knew that. But how was he supposed to fit his whole life into one suitcase? He looked around his room. Their room. Because Ramon’s things were still everywhere. He hadn’t wanted to move them, to touch them. Because if he did that, it was like Ramon was really gone, and even though he was, Ricardo wasn’t ready to give him up. He didn’t think he would ever be ready to give up his brother.

He stood and walked over to Ramon’s bookcase. His fingers grazed over the baseball that sat at the top. He looked over the dusty comic books of Batman and Superman; biographies of sports heroes like Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson. And as he thumbed through them, a picture fell to the floor. He picked it up and his heart clenched as he stared at a young Ramon and Ricardo, arms around each other sticking their tongues out to the camera.

Sitting in their backyard Ramon and Ricardo tossed the baseball back and forth between them, Ricardo figuring out a way to say what he wanted to say. Needed to say.

“What’s up?” Ramon asked, as he threw the ball.

“What do you mean?” Ricardo responded, as he caught it.

“Come on,” Ramon said, “What is it?”

Ricardo looked toward the house and then walked toward his brother. He didn’t want to shout the question. He wasn’t even sure what the question was, only that he needed to figure this out and there was no one else to figure this out with.

He stood in front of Ramon, his head down, not knowing where to start.

“Ricardo, what the hell, man? What’s up?”

“I…I don’t know,” Ricardo said, still looking down.

“Ricardo, if you don’t start talking, I’m telling all the kids at school that you still sleep with your teddy,” Ramon said, poking Ricardo in the chest.

Ricardo sighed and looked up at the sky.

“Ok,” he finally said, still looking up, not quite ready to look his brother in the eyes, “You know how you told me you liked that girl Natalie?”

“Yea,” Ramon said, “Oh man, Ric! Who is she? What’s her name?”

Ricardo sighed again, wishing he’d never said anything, wishing he wasn’t so transparent to his brother. Wishing he could just disappear.

“Jake,” Ricardo said to the ground.

There was silence.

Ricardo wished the earth would open up and swallow him.

“You still wanna be my brother?” Ricardo asked softly.

He could hear Ramon’s breathing, see his brother’s chest rise and fall.

And then, Ramon’s hand was under Ricardo’s chin, lifting up his face so that Ricardo was forced to stare into his brother’s eyes.

“You will always be my brother, no matter what. Entiendes?” Ramon said, whispering fiercely.

Ricardo nodded, too full with feeling to say anything.

“You’re so dumb,” Ramon said, playfully shoving Ricardo.

“Hijos!” their mother called, from the backdoor, “Look this way!”

The brothers looked toward their mother who was holding the new camera their father had gotten her for Christmas.

Ramon put his arm around Ricardo.

“Smile,” their mother said, and because they were brothers they both stuck their tongues out at the same time as their mother took the picture.

A knock at the door broke Ricardo from his memory. He looked up as his mother opened the door. She opened her mouth to say something and then saw the picture he was holding. Her mouth closed. After a few moments, his mother said,

“You need to pack.”

He nodded.

His mother looked at him and then at the photo, and back at him. She walked quickly up to him and took his face in her hands,

“You don’t have to go,” she whispered.

“Ma-

“No. You don’t have to go. We could send you to Canada. I’ve heard that some men are doing that, that they-"

Ricardo stepped back, shaking his head.

It didn’t feel right to run when Ramon had been brave enough to go.

Ricardo watched his mother’s panicked face regain composure.

“Your tias will be here soon. You should get ready,” she said and left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

Ricardo stared out the window.

In less than an hour, the yard would be filled with his family. His father would be grilling the asada, his tias would be cooking all of his favorite foods in the kitchen with his mother. He and his cousins would lounge out on the grass, drink beers, maybe go for a walk as night fell and sneak a joint or two. And the whole time he and everyone else would be wondering how long it would be before they saw each other again.

If they saw each other again.

Ricardo looked around the room.

He packed the necessary clothes.

And then he put the photo and baseball on top and closed the suitcase.

That was it.

It was all he needed.