Believe Me, Believe Me Not

CW: Mental health, suicide, abuse

Incomprehensible at best; mind-blowing to say the least. Certainly enough to make any already mentally wounded individual go over the edge. Or at least want to. Unfortunately, far too many of us choose to, for reasons that aren't entirely our fault. Most times it's because nobody listened, they turned a blind eye, said "Not my circus", or "You can handle it, you're strong." Ha! Strong? No, not strong: unwilling to surrender, perhaps better describes our nature. Determined to fight a battle most only judge. Or finally able to understand and believe that we are and deserve more than the current situation of repeated traumas.

The strength and endurance required to maintain the course, steady the drive, and stay true to the task at hand, to self, is a strength beyond measure. A strength perhaps only the wounded can know or understand. Acquired as one strives to be better, heal, grow, change, become worthy.....Yeah, that's a tough one. Tough to move past too, because it is a belief that was browbeaten into us, some at a very young age. And it takes immense courage to doubt or question what the ones who claimed to love us so made us believe because of their own wounded souls, hearts, and minds.

So, every moment of every day, the battle is front and center. The reason why we choose to get up, follow through, keep going, try again and again and again, even when we don't want to or sometimes physically can't, we still find a way. On the days, weeks, or months when we can't, we just hang on and hold faith that something better is waiting. The hard part is mustering up enough strength to trudge through, show our face, make a move, or hold strong to what we begin to hear as a faint reminder that yes, "you are worthy, you are good enough, you deserve to heal."

At the beginning of our healing journey, our purpose is often to benefit someone else. Meaning, to please a parent, family member, child, spouse, or partner. This misguided intention comes from a trauma-response way of thinking. So this initial quest to heal ourselves becomes one that begins again and again until we finally learn enough to recognize the patterns we keep choosing, even while we are on a mission to heal. At that moment, we dive deeper into self again to understand the why, usually going through quite a bit of self-sabotage first. If we are brave enough to acknowledge, strong enough to accept, and compassionate enough to love ourselves, we can then embrace ourselves. This cycle has the potential to repeat itself to the point of exhaustion, and it does; unfortunately, there is no escaping it.

Healing is like an onion: so many layers. Once you begin, inevitably a sub-layer comes to light, and you must process that as well. Oh, great strength indeed. Weakness is familiar, making it feel safe in a twisted sort of way. It seems easier to just give up. This feeling intensifies when those you love most refuse to see any progress whatsoever, or have no faith, belief, or trust in your ability to do or be anything other than damaged, wounded, or mentally ill. Escape mechanisms become vises, vises become patterns, patterns become trauma, trauma becomes home. The cycle must absolutely be broken, and can be broken, but it takes great, great strength and courage indeed.

Strength is an understatement, though. Honestly, there are no words to describe what it actually takes, so please don't tell us how strong we are, because it's an acquired strength we didn't choose or want to have. Most don't understand that those words, that phrase, will make us cringe. We by no means chose this path. We dreamt of peaceful days filled with laughter and incredible memories. We dreamt of our prom that never came, our college graduation that we just couldn't accomplish, and of course we dreamt of being chosen to love, to marry. Oh, and the dreams we held of a full house, family.... Those dreams never came for us either. We were always on the outside looking in. So when you ever so slightly begin to question or doubt our progress, heart-wrenching does not come close to the feelings that now swarm inside our minds because of someone else's refusal to see or believe. All the questions of why? How could you? Am I ever going to be enough? Anger mixed with rage will be the first emotion to surface because we have worked nonstop since we began our journey. And choosing to even try to heal is monumental, to say the least. Even as we wallowed in our own pain and disappointment, we were still working hard to, by this time, just stay alive.

"But you have a choice," they say, "just choose happy; it's up to you". Oh, how I've detested that phrase. It's shallow, obviously lacking any real knowing or understanding of just what is taking place. Belittling as well, especially when those words and statements come from the very ones throwing roadblocks in your way as you attempt to heal. But it's true: at the right time, we do have a choice; we can finally choose, because we now have the courage and strength to do so. Sometimes we may not yet have acquired the necessary components within ourselves, or reached the level of healing needed to make that choice.

This is why we repeat the healing cycle so many times. There is usually more to deal with, face, and heal than we originally believed. So many things were buried along the way- traumas we had forgotten about, hard truths we need to face, illusions of what we thought was real. During this phase, we can give in to exhaustion or dig deeper to find more strength. A choice we may or may not consciously make, as we also struggle with trusting ourselves, the process, timing....so exhausting.

We end up wondering, why are we even trying? Why does it even matter anymore? So now, not only are we trying to heal ourselves, but we are also trying to somehow hold on to a very twisted notion of desperation for them to love us, see us, believe us, and for God's sake, help us already! Please, we cry so desperately. But our pleading falls on deaf ears, hardened hearts or wounded souls, jealous, perhaps even envious of any progress made.

Our strength comes from within our very soul somehow. We knew of something more before we even began our healing journey. We absolutely know and believe in our potential once we begin to make progress; choosing to move forward alone is the toughest choice we make as we continue forward. Fear sets in, but we dig deeper yet and find things we never knew we had. We never wanted to have to, yet here we are.

So after years and years of baby-step progress, do not doubt us or our ability to heal. We would not have made it this far if we were only going to submit to our trauma. Steady wins the day. However, our healing and growth are not up for discussion or debate about what is possible or what takes place. It has taken years, decades for me personally to come this far, so doubt me if you will; refuse to see something better in me; that's okay. I have finally come far enough, healed enough, to stand firm and strong in all the progress made.

Dedicated to all those still within the battle of healing. I see you, I love you, I believe in you, I am you.