Caverns

Any hopes I had of being able to sleep vanished what must have been hours ago. My coat, rolled beneath my head, provided no greater comfort than if I had just used one of the countless rocks scattered across the floor. I just wanted to rest. To let my body recover. To let this day end. Or, at the very least, to dream of being elsewhere. Maybe somewhere with a mattress.

“The fire is starting to go out.” I heard a voice say.

Laying here was a mistake. How was one supposed to silence their mind and drift off to sleep with constant, unrequested, updates about the condition of a fire I started? Did he think I wouldn’t notice? 

“I know you aren't sleeping,” he said, “I can see your eyelids moving.”

He must know how creepy it is to be so observant. Yet he makes no effort to show any form of curtesy to a sleeping man. He should know better.

I rolled away from him onto my side. The inside of my eyelids went from a faint to warm red and I could feel what little warmth the small campfire gave off brush against my face. I might’ve found it soothing if not for the immediate stabbing pain that came from the weight of pressing my arm into the ground. Even as I kept my eyes closed I could tell that the fire wouldn’t last much longer. What little comfort it provided would soon be extinguished along with it. I slowly opened my eyes, trying to readjust them to the encroaching darkness that surrounded the kindling.

“You have to do some—”

I rose to my feet. Ignoring the flashes of pain that shot all along my spine, even as I had to relower myself to pick up my jacket that I had left on the ground in my haste. My whole body had become stiff. I wanted to rest against the wall till the pain subsided. But I couldn’t bear to stay and listen to him state the obvious for any longer. From a small box I kept in my pocket, I removed three matches and struck them along the side. Holding them close to my face as I traced my hand along the wall and began to walk away from the small embers that laid on a pile of ash. 

Passing between a gap in the wall, I reentered the main corridor of an endless maze of rock somewhere beneath the earth’s surface. Countless paths spread along either main wall. Each one I had tried to follow only brought me further down or to nowhere at all. Leading only to dead ends. I had long given up exploring further down. Choosing to stay as close to the surface as I could to preserve what matches I had left.

The entrance to this cavern, least where I must have entered from, was a large opening in the cave’s ceiling. Flooding a section in a ring of sunlight. Between twenty to thirty feet from the ground and wide enough for a truck to fall through without touching any of the sides. Below the entrance was the only area that didn’t match its surroundings. Patches of grass grew from cracks in the foundation, concealing any trace of stone that was within the ring of light. In the center sprouted a single sapling. It’s growth seemingly stunted by its environment. Standing no more than 8 feet tall with leaves of faint green hanging desperately from its sagging branches. Whatever miracle that allowed it to grow had long since faded. Leaving behind nothing more than a source of kindling.

A cold breeze passed from somewhere far below. The lit matches burned closer to the tips of my fingers even as I shielded them. Taking quicker steps I approached the only source of safety to be found. The closer I was, the darker and clearer my shadow became. It slid forwards, crossing into the sunlight and taking shape on the ground before me. I stepped into the light without sparing him a glance. He repeated the same movement whenever I approached. Stretching out his arms over his head and lowering them to the side in a T shape before letting them drop. His words and actions were independent of my own. Despite no longer finding this a surprise, I couldn’t shake the chill that ran down my back as he moved. Or my stomach turning whenever he spoke.

“Much better,” he said. Following behind me as I walked towards the sapling.

I doubt he could actually feel anything. I chose to camp in that section in hopes of being lulled to sleep by the dark. But no matter where I went, there was never any silence. He always had to say something to annoy me. And I could never get rid of him. He remained attached to the souls of my feet no matter what I did. Like a fly I couldn’t to chase way. Buzzing at every moment in my ears.

—

The grass felt soft between my fingers. I allowed my back to rest on the ground since sitting cross legged took more effort then I could spare. I though that after trying to sleep for so long, the sun might’ve finally gone down. I was in that section for a while. But apparently not long enough for it to be a new day. The sunlight remained unchanged. No sign of setting or rising. As if fixed to the highest point in the sky permanently. The blades of grass rose past my ears and my eyelids were painted a vibrant red. I felt an unfamiliar peace that I never expected to find down here of all places. I wanted to stay. To forget about finding a way out and remain forever blinded by the light.

“Will you stay?” he asked.

What kind of question was that? As much as I may want to I know I can’t. The sun won’t lift me out. But what other choices do I have? Who knows what could be further in? My matches could run out. And without light I’ll lose my way. Why not stay?

“Nothing will change,” he said, “But it’s only here that that I’m able to appear so clearly. Not that it seems to matter.”

Is he screwing with me? Some sort of reverse psychology? Who cares? I don’t. Constantly harping on and on about the fires going out and even here, below all the light he could ever want, he still isn’t happy. Maybe I should go deeper. Exit be damned. Maybe I should let the fire go out despite his pleas. Shouldn’t he want that? To be surrounded by shadows as devoid of light as himself. Or was that his goal? Why am I even thinking of this? It doesn’t matter. What he wants doesn’t matter. He’ll go wherever I do. He’s bound to me. Disgusting.

With what strength I could muster in my arms I pushed myself forwards, using the momentum to kneel then stand. That act alone was demanding. But the thought of stepping back out, away from this piece of paradise, was enough to make my knees tremble. It was like staring into an endless ocean from the shore of a small island. Being forced to walk deeper to be carried away by the current. The island would appear smaller and smaller before fading completely, no longer able to provide me with safety. The waves would drag me below into the abyss, forcing its way into my lungs and depriving me of even the most basic need. I’d be lost and alone forever.

“Take the branches,” I heard him say.

I looked towards the entrance above, inhaling deeply as if trying to breathe in the light itself. To feel its warmth fill my chest. But it was hopeless. Even the sunlight began to feel cold on my face. Maybe it was never warm to begin with. I kneeled in front of the sapling and took off my jacket, collecting the few branches that remained on the ground into a pile on top of it. Most would turn to ash in seconds. I needed more. I leaned forward and placed my hands around the base of the sapling. What leaves remained on its branches fell to the ground. The trunk felt dry. Practically hollow despite what strength it appeared to have. Pushing and pulling with all my weight, it began to give. Until it snapped close to its base along the ground. It felt practically weightless in my hands and it was hard to picture how tall it once stood. I started snapping it into smaller fragments and added it to the pile, wrapping the jacket’s sleeves around and tying it across my chest so that it hung on my back. Only the grass remained. Most of it now buried beneath dried leaves.

I stood at the edge of the sunlight and stared into the cavern. My eyes wouldn’t adjust so long as I stayed in the light. And despite the cold breeze that passed through my clothing I began to sweat.

“There isn’t anything left for you here,” he said.

He just can’t give me a moment to myself. I was just about to go.

I tore off strands of my jacket that hung loosely and wrapped it as tightly as I could around a piece of the sapling. It was barely a foot long. Shielding the match from the breeze, I lit the fabric and stepped away from the light.

—

Against every instinct I had, I walked towards where the breeze seemed to be blowing. A part of the cavern I had avoided in all the time I spent searching. It seemed to be exactly what he wanted. But he never failed to warn when the torch light began to die. I walked for as long as my legs would allow but there seemed to be no end. The only noticeable change was the distance between the walls. Spreading wide apart in some areas and narrowing in others. The ceiling would dip occasionally, forcing me into a crawl. And when I could no longer continue, I would use the smaller branches and light a campfire to rest. They never lasted long and we both seemed to share the worry over how much further we could go on before finally running out of matches. Not that I ever told him.

I could see him moving unnaturally along the walls from the corners of my eyes. Speaking aloud every few steps. As if carrying on a conversation with himself. Perhaps he was scared. Talking as a way of interrupting the silence that seemed as heavy as the darkness that hovered just outside the torch’s light. He seemed to no longer expect any sort of response. Satisfied with simply distracting himself in his own rambling. Each string words and sentences always ended the same. A close observation and update on the strength of the flame. As if I were incapable of noticing. There was nothing else to focus on.

—

Resting my back against the wall, I sat and watched as the last bit of kindling burned slowly. Each gust of wind that passed it caused the flames to dance wildly. And on the opposite wall my shadow sat in the same position. He hadn’t spoken in a while. Perhaps the anticipation of the inevitable weight just as heavily on him. I can’t really blame him. I think part of me even envies him. Though we here bound, I was the one that actually had to continue descending. Once the fire went out, we would both be swallowed by the cavern’s sea of darkness. Would he feel the same safety I felt below the sunlight?

“It won’t be long now,” he said. His words cut through the silence but not in quite the same way I was used to. I heard sorrow. A sorrow he made no attempt to hide. “What do you think will happen to me?”

My mind went blank trying to process his question. He doesn’t know? How can he not know? I thought this was what he wanted. In all the time we’ve been together, I stubbornly refused to speak, much less look at him. But separated by the dying flame there was nowhere else for me to look. His outline was like flowing water. It was hard to tell but I could see that he didn’t quite match the cavern’s shadows. As the fire began to smolder, parts of the darkness reached out towards him. I watched as he curled himself tighter, bringing his knees to his chest. Trying desperately to avoid it as best he could. Words struggled to form in my mind. I wanted to speak. But didn’t know what he’d want to hear.

“Will I still exist when there’s nothing left to remind you?”

The fire died before I could answer. Only embers and ash remained. I threw myself forwards. Desperately blowing with all the strength I had left. But the embers only glowed faintly before being carried away by the wind. I could no longer see anything. Not the floor or ceiling. Not my hands as I held them in front of my face. Not him sitting before me. I never spoke to him. Never answered a question or continued a conversation. No matter how loudly I called out, he wouldn’t answer. Was he still here with me? He had to be. We had to still be together. Bound eternally by the souls of our feet. What was I to do now? I only came this far because it was what he wanted. But how could he want this?

I pressed my back against the wall. Pulling my knees towards me and warping my arms as tightly as I could around them. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt tears flow down my face. The darkness remained even with my closed eyes. I was scared. I had been scared since the beginning. Worried. About the light going out. About being surrounded by the cavern’s shadows. About being alone. I hadn’t been but now I was. No one to share this fear with. No one to break the silence that I was unable to. No one to move me forwards or watch my back. I don’t want to be here. And he wouldn’t want me to stay.

I struggled to find my balance as I pressed my hand against the cold cave wall and rose to my feet. I had nothing to guide me. Only able to follow the wall to wherever it chose to lead. I placed one foot before the other. But it felt like I was stuck in place. I couldn’t tell if I was moving forwards. My eyes wouldn’t adjust, and I wasn’t certain they were even open. I continued moving deeper. With no indication of how long I’d been walking.

—

Following a bend in the path, far ahead I could see a pale white line. Thin and out of place. As if the shadows simply forgot to engulf it. Each step I took towards the line caused it to expand. And the closer I was, the harder it was to gaze at. It felt like fire itself were being poured into my eyes as I stood before it. I stuck my hand out hesitantly. Fearing it would be consumed by the same fire just for coming into contact with it. But I didn’t feel anything. Instead I saw. I saw my hand. Outstretched and trembling. My eyes no longer burned. And I realized that the line was light. Sunlight. Shining through a crack in the ceiling an falling softly at an angle like a spotlight against the wall. Beyond it, further along the path, I could see more rays of light shining down. They were spaced apart. Serving almost as guides to follow. Stepping forward into the first ray. I turned my back towards it to face the wall. And as it had been before, I could see my shadow. Standing just as I stood. Raising the same hand that I did with our palms facing each other. I reached forwards and watched as our hands met against the wall. But he didn’t speak.

“You never left,” I finally answered. And it was true. We were still bound. As we always would be. I let my hand drop to my side. Walking beneath each ray of light, I continued deeper into the abyss. And watched as he walked beside me.