The Clock

(This story has self harm, mental health, and incorporates God's second chances of life, I am pasting it from word)

                                      The Clock 

It's been 1,256,343 seconds of no sleep . I try my best to recover ,but they evade me . They won't let my mind rest. The turbulent, fractured weaving of my blanket full of holes because I tore it in desperate attempts to silence my rage from no sleep.

They escape me . The voices , they never return during the day- no ,no,but just when I sleep they come . I bid them no harm,but they do to me.

"Why?!" I scream so loudly that it shakes my room unbearably , uncomfortable, UNCOMFORTABLE , DRASTICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE , the sound of the tick ,tick ,tick.

I try as I might to close my eyes to sound dreams of pastures of my Sheppard who loves me,but they beckon me into the night. I tell them “Do you not see?! I’m innocent!” 

Tick.

Tick

Tick.

It’s 4,345, 500 seconds of no sleep. I can’t sleep . They won’t let me sleep. They crawl all over my room. My bed, anything that the light would touch . They do. 

I rock to and fro ,pulling my hair trying to eliminate the pain of no sleep to something greater ,but alas, I can’t because I’m bound by time and all its complex greatness. I am doing a disservice to God who loves me deeply…

Deeply….

Longingly

Yes ,yes, I can’t disappoint him because of them!  

Tick.

Tick. 

Tick.

It’s been 10,567, 378 seconds of no sleep. I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. They just are ugly, they look so daunting that if it were human I’d ask for surgery to remove my eyes as soon as humanly possible. I look across the ceiling , elongated arms and legs , covered with a grey sallow crepey skin attached to it. It’s gaunt hollow eyes staring back at me with no pupils, only a dark void,it has no mouth,but it can talk to me in my mind.

Tick.

Tick 

Tick. 

It’s been so long without sleep that I lose count of the seconds to minutes to hours. “You should kill yourself, child, “ it starts as it crawls down to stand in front of me . “God would be sick admonishing something so lowly like you.” it drawls in a masculine and feminine voice mixture.

“ But that’s not true ! “ I shout “ Greater is He than He who is in the world!” the spirit of God’s words coursing through me. 

I can feel its anger build within my minds eyes. “ You think that’s true?” it cackled . 

I couldn’t respond for a couple minutes. 

Tick….

Tick….

Tick….

So slow the minutes pass as sweat formed on my brow. It’s face shifts so quickly to anger to a type of sadistic inner smile through it’s eyes.

“You don’t believe….” it starts again.

“No….”

“You don’t want to sleep because of your belief….”

“No…” I say again louder than before . 

“You don’t love him, you just want prizes , you disgusting child….” Its mouthless face now ripping its own skin to reveal a smile so wide that I had to turn away.

“ Stop it!” I scream again.

Just …as I was trying to regain composure , I felt a joy emitting out from me . A laugh coming slowly .

“Ha….” I began “Hahahahaha!” it grew causing them to be confused but then it began to laugh with me. I had all the power I needed to overcome them, they just didn’t know it. 

Tick…

Tock…..

Tick….

“You’re mad…” it cackled louder “ You’ve lost your mind in the suffering! How beautiful!" it walked towards outstretching its hands to me.

“ You’ll never be free.” it held my face gently in it’s long bony fingers , imbedding it’s claws into my skin, drawing crimson. It forced me to gaze into its eyes.

“You should kill yourself now…You’ll be free to sleep. “ it cooed. 

Sleep seemed so peaceful right now.The soft pillows behind me, my eyes shutting off the world and all it’s depravity. The wrathful , the disgusting, Noah’s ark generation killing each other for green bags of paper.

‘Yes…yes….’ I heard chains befalling around me , locking me into its desires to have my life taken by my own hands.

“ You can do it…” it echoed my thoughts of not being enough in my head. I overlook my bedroom eyeing what things could take me to sleep.

A bottle of soda? No ,no. Wicked . Wickedness of the flesh. 

“Don.’t”

I hear another voice. I ignored it for now. It was just as deep a voice but a warmth came to my mind when I thought about it. It was another voice I barely heard.

I heard many voices . So ….many voices….they just like them were always so grandiose and negative ,but this one just said one word. 

‘Don’t’ …do not do what?

I shut my eyes and step into a dark forest. I see them but I see someone else….outside of my eyes I grab a vodka bottle that I had for this occasion . 

“Yesssssss” I heard them say” Just end it and you can sleep….” it breathed “I promise…”

I’m in a place that no one can find. A place that swirls now….my hallow soul being cleansed by His words.

“ don’t listen to it!” A shout crosses over and the forest I had thought was for two another has stepped in .

They rage against me the one with the sallow skin . It pulls back and scratches me wide open, my chest bleeding so badly.

Another hand grips the other and throws it far making a crash within the forest. “Stop. Please come back home….” 

I start to cry,but….

Tick…

Tick. tick . tick tick tick tick tick tick

My tears are pulled back into my skull

“Breathe….I love you…”

Breathe…

BREATH

“Breathe! “ I hear a screaming crying man over me “ No, she’s back! The cpr worked. Oh thank God!” the sobbing of my husband brings me forth.

“Baby?” I slur but he hushes me “I’m so sorry, I should have believed you when you couldn’t sleep!”

The Clock stops .

I’m so tired,but now , I can finally.

Sleep.