Nightmares

Dear Diary,

It‘s been 3 months since I’ve last been able to sleep A full night. Three months since my life collapsed around me since I felt my life slip away. I lost my lifeline three months ago and It’s been two months since I was told that it wasn’t my fault that I need to forgive myself but how? how am I suppose to move on? How am I suppose too let go?! Apollo died three months ago and I think a part of me died with him. I’ve been in this facility for two months with lies and promises of brighter days of learning to love myself and life again but my life has always been the two of us Apollo and Artemis ties at the hip since birth! No one understands the nightmares that keep me up are nothing compared to the guilt of knowing I could have saved him. The weight of all the ways I could have saved him, I knew he was hurting I knew that Jessica leaving him broke him in away he didn‘t think he’d ever be able to heal from I knew in the way a twin knows their own pain. That he needed me but I was being selfish because as much as I loved him I couldn’t let go of my freedom I’d finally found. You see my whole life it’s been the two of us for everything birthdays, milestones awards concerts sports the twins are in this the twins are in that.... I just wanted to be me on my own for awhile. Always knowing he’d have my back he’d be there if I needed him but I couldnt be there for him when he needed me the most and I’ll never NEVER be able to forgive myself for that because if I’m honest with myself diary I died the second I walked into that room. I should have been there for him Europe would always be there all the parties the shopping the material and the unimportant it would have been there three months even two years later but my brother my other half he left me two months after the love of his life left him for his best man after two years of trying to have a baby i guess she just couldn’t do it anymore they were childhood sweethearts she was like a sister to me. I just couldn’t believe it when he told me I thought they’d work it out i thought it was just a bump in the road but i was wrong so so wrong.... I made it home too little too late, it was going to be a surprise I came home for what was suppose to be OUR 25th birthday. When I found him I froze, I didn’t scream I didn’t call for help I just held him, I think apart of me knew that it wouldn’t change what had happened that he was gone and it was my fault for not being here when he needed me. He always said he’d be okay that he was going to be fine that I could stay in Europe he didn’t me here, I called once a week I asked multiple times he always said he was okay on the mend I should have listened to my gut and come home right away. the picture of him covered in blood will stay with me until I can join him. Two weeks ago it’s all I wanted to do I just wanted to be with the person that knew me better then I know myself but I couldn’t do that to mom and dad I was the only one left, I couldn’t put that on them again. I had to talk to someone and that how I ended up here Sunny Oaks rehabilitation center where they try to help you find the light in life again but honestly I don’t care to see or find or be in that light anymore. Dad doesn’t like to be here but Mom is happy to see me getting “help” but honestly I just want to see my brother again. But I‘ll stick this out I’ll be here I’ll see this through because I don’t think my parents would survive having to burry us both having to say goodbye to Apollo Almost broke them they fought a lot those first few weeks and then they barely talked at all after that even when I was first admitted they barely looked at each other but the got help they are on the mend I wish I was on the mend with them but I just can‘t mend not until I can see him again, I don’t care if I never get another night of sleep again. I don’t deserve it I shouldn’t have been so selfish I should have dropped everything the second he called me and told me they were done I should have been home for him. But no I stayed in Europe I stayed where I wasn’t needed I let my twin down and paid dearly for it. Diary how do you forgive something like that how do I move past knowing its my fault my parents pride and joy is no longer here! he always did the right thing he graduated top of the class he went to UCLA pre law and then Yale law school he was on the road to make partner at his firm he got married at 22 he was building the life my parents always wanted for us I was the fuck up I was the one who took a gap year to go to South America then did online classes for graphic design degree that let me travel the world for “work” let me live the non traditional life. I was the one who took all the risk I lived life as if I was invincible if anyone was suppose to be early in a grave it would have been me. He should have lived a long life a happy life.

—Artemis