Pride Before the Fall

   Pride Before the Fall

Suzanne Marsh

Divorce is an ugly word, it conjures up horrible memories of a past I have tried very hard to forget. I spent thirteen years in a living hell of my own creation. I still ask myself why I did that. The answer was I wanted to be sure I had no feeling for my former husband before I left. We had three beautiful daughters together. I thought marriage meant forever, unfortunately it did not. There were a lot of ugly scenes leading up to the night I cried myself to sleep, knowing there was at least one other woman, in this marriage beside myself. It was then I began to realize I had made a huge mistake, that I should have listened to my parents. My pride got in my way, and I stayed put until that night. I can still even forty-two years later remember that scene as if were yesterday. I knew when my former husband was confronted it would be all my fault. I was afraid, but I knew if I did not leave, I would be either committed to a hospital for the mentally ill or I would kill myself. That was when I knew I had to leave. One night, my former husband and I sat up most of the talking. I made him promise that if things did not straighten out I would take our daughters. A promise he broke more than once.

I can still see the look of astonishment on my former husband’s face, when I told him:

“What you have done to me NO human being has the right to do to another.” I left that morning, with his reassurance that if things did not improve, I would take the girls. Not only did things not improve, they went from a bad situation to a worse one. I had to fight for visitation with the girls, that was bad enough but then I found out he had been cheating on me with a neighbor as well as the woman he married, all the time he was married to me. I was devastated, I called my dad, I wanted to come home. I need to figure things out. How was I ever going to find out who I was. I was thirty, no real job, no money, no college no, nothing. I felt dead inside, I wondered if I would ever know what love was between and man and woman who love each other completely. I basically thought I would never touch love.

In the interim, my former husband moved in with the woman he had been seeing. I had seen his truck parked in her driveway; I understand that it was not a service call except perhaps to service his needs.

I went home to my dad, my mom had passed away, so it was now just the two of us. Dad, in his own blunt way told me:

“I could have told you not to marry him.” I looked my dad square in the eye:

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because you would not have listened at that point.”

Dad was correct about that, I knew I had to start turning my life around, the question was how. Dad and his friend would take me out to the movies and dinner, I always felt like a third wheel. The alternative was to stay home and mope. That was something I was simply not good at. I felt sorry for myself and licked my wounded pride. Life at that point was being very unkind. I wanted life full of beauty. The girls were told I had abandoned them, I had not. I went to court several times, however the judge was a friend of my former husband’s attorney. This did not bode well for the children or me. I was working at a food packaging plant for minimum wage. One of the girls I worked with had a brother. I politely informed her I did not need a brother. I could not have been more wrong. I met her brother in January and we began to date. Dating for me was something I sort of scratched my head and wondered. I had not dated in thirteen years. I had no concept of how to act. The brother asked me if I would like to go for a pizza. Throwing caution to the wind I said yes. That was a disaster, I accidentally knocked a huge glass of orange drink on him. My mind said that was the end of that date as he stood there his jeans dripping orange drink. I was so embarrassed, I could not get anything out of my mouth I just gaped at him in horror.

I was now in the middle of my divorce, when we moved in together. I was scared, I was eight years his senior, although there are times when he is more eight years my senior. The thought of a man eight years younger than me taking an interest in me, seemed so out of character. He definitely had the maturity. I still felt like I was going through adolescence again. The thing was for the first time in thirteen years I felt as if I were alive once again. I had hope and I had found love, those are two things no one can ever take away although my former husband attempted that more than once. I learned to fight back. I have not seen nor heard from since the divorce decree. It was not in my favor, I lost the farm, my former husband was going to sell my parent silverware to pay for cost. That silverware was the only thing I got out of the divorce. I lost my home, a farm, my children.

I also had a chance for a better life, a life of love and happiness. The brother is now my husband for forty-one years this next month. We have had our ups and downs, but our love has withstood the challenges of time. I now understand about love, I am alive and well. I thank God every day for the man, the brother that I did need.