I remember the day it happened.

I remember the day it happened.

From the moment you were born, kicking and screaming into my life, everything sped up and refused to slow down. Holding you in my arms, seeing your perfect face, something changed, something I couldn’t control. Something beyond me, out in the distance out of sight. I left, I didn’t want to, someone made me leave. I drove through the winter night wanting nothing more than to return to you and your mom. My knuckles were white, my heart raced, and my mind spun in circles.

I had to be careful; the roads were icy. Glancing at the clock, seeing the minutes rolling faster than they ever had. I raced there and back. When I returned hours had passed, I cursed myself for leaving you two alone for that long on a night so important. Before I knew it you were smiling. You laughed. You talked and walked. I tried to think back to the moments of my life when I was young. It hadn’t been that long ago.

I remember waiting for my birthday. It took so long every year. It felt as if it was more like four or five hundred days between my birthdays. The special day would arrive, and my waiting had been worth it. The next was always the same, waiting again. It was the same for Christmas and all the other special days in my life. I felt like I was trying to run a marathon. I just wished I could run it fast, arrive at those special finish lines faster.

It never mattered what I did, things always took forever. Waiting to hang with friends, going to the beach, or trying to leave the grocery store but my mom is talking to her friend. I was so impatient, I could never do the things I wanted when I wanted to.

This slow world I lived in gradually became comfortable. High school couldn’t have ended fast enough. College, another four years that would never be finished. Then I met your mom for the first time, the world stood still. Everything was perfect, I was happy and in love. I could feel the breeze through the trees. I could smell the flowers. But then reality set back in. Until that night I met you.

As I tried to adjust to my new fast-moving world, your brother joined us. Another perfect smile, another joy in my life. The world lurched forward the wheels of time speeding up. Testing my balance. I kept my feet under me. I kept speed walking on my mortal marathon. Things got harder, more responsibility, more late nights and early mornings. I began questioning what I wanted from this life, what dreams I wanted to accomplish, what legacies I might leave behind someday.

We took leaps into the darkness; the only thing we could be sure of was the tight grip onto each other’s hands. We would stumble but always got back up. Another life joined us, my three sons, my pride and joy swelled more than I knew it could. My heart, always finding more depth, no love divided but love all encompassing. The world tested me again as things got faster. Sports, school, family time. Camping in the mountains was the only place the race couldn’t reach me. The cherished time amongst the trees. Relentless the world spun along faster.

Death, a stumble and fall into the briars of sadness and pain. The path ahead of me, lay now in darkness. I trudged along, your mom holding my hand and giving a push. A new light joined our journey, your sister. Rainbows, unicorns, and gymnastics classes. Every time I returned from work, a new trick, a new word, and before I was ready, she was in school. The world tested me again, but I stumbled, it was going too fast now. My tired jogging wasn’t enough this time; I’d have to pick up the pace. Just as I got my feet under myself again, you left for college. My heart broke with pride. A young man, when had that happened. I had just held you for the first time a few days ago.

Your brothers followed your example. My boys had entered into the world. Your sister was not far behind. I wish I had the words or knew a trick to keep you from entering this same marathon I was on. To slow down, to stop, to keep you safe in my arms. Our family grew again and spouses joined. I tried to do anything to slow things down. Anything I could do to keep myself with my family. I was called to the hospital. Returning to find you holding your precious child. I could see in your eyes, it had changed for you too. The world was moving faster than you remembered. I held you, wishing I could keep you from the truth.

I did what I could to keep you there, to not make the mistake I made. I tried to council you. I wanted to teach you the path ahead of you. Perhaps you would run it better than I did. Keep your eyes out, look for the moments when you can stay out of the race. Hold your family close. Know that it won’t slow down, but you can do it. I held that first grandchild looking into their eyes, seeing yours. I wanted nothing more than to stop the race, but I knew the finish line would be approaching me soon. With each grandchild I felt that I could see it off in the distance. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let this race continue.

I begged, I pleaded, I did anything I could to stop the world from turning so damn fast. Nothing I did would slow it. I was determined that I would do everything I could. I tried to be there for everything I could. I refused to let this race take me. Holding tight to your mother’s hand until the end. The finish line slipped behind me. Standing in the darkness, my mom and dad walked to me and said,

I remember the day it happened.