The Plot Knows You're Here

Mother: Thomas Alphonse remove yourself from any current entanglements and come downstairs posthaste!

Thomas: Mother, your jests are hilarious, I do not sleep with many blankets, what is there to be entangled with?

Mother: “Thomas, there are three whores in your bed”

Whore 1: A wise woman

Whore 2: How can she see us? The door is closed and she is downstairs

Thomas: I have strong suspicions my mother is a witch. Now ladies, I am going to go soothe the beast while you reacquire your clothes

[Thomas bounds down the stairs partially dressed]

Thomas: Mother dearest, a pleasure to see you this fine morning, did you sleep well?

Mother: Other than the pounding in my head. I slept fine

Thomas: Why a pounding in your head mother?

Mother: It is very difficult to sleep when the walls are shaking

Thomas: I told you mother earthquakes are quite common in the south.

Mother: Yes, localized very vocal earthquakes.

Thomas: Please sit down mother, the real question is why are you here?

Mother: Thomas I own this house.

Thomas: Yes but you own many houses. Why dain to stop by this one?

[The Whores walk down the stairs wearing minimal clothing]

Whore 1: Goodbye Lord Thomas

Whore 3: A pleasure Sir

Whore 2: Have a nice day

Mother: If you would believe it to check in on my son. The locals tell me he is a degenerate bachelor

Thomas: I can’t believe Calvin would do that to you! I never took him to be a degenerate bachelor but I suppose it could be anyone.

Mother: Thomas, I have never been able to tell if you are a fool or just attempting to be witty.

Thomas: Attempting, mother you harm me greatly.

Mother: Thomas you are my first born son-

Thomas: That we know of.

Mother: Thomas…

Thomas: All I’m saying is there is absolutely a man living in the attic

[Whore 1 reenters the house]

Whore 1: I am sorry to bother Lord Thomas but I believe I left my shawl on the couch

Thomas: You did! My mother is using it as a table cloth

Mother: I believed my son had finally acquired elegant settings. I did not know it was yours Miss?

Whore 1: I’m Whore 1, thank you for my shawl.

[Whore 1 sweeps out the door]

Thomas: Whore 1? I swore her name was Cynthia.

Mother: Why would an indolent side character get a name?

Thomas: Side character? Unless I am mistaken mother, she is absolutely human.

Mother: Thomas you really are a fool. Look!

Thomas: The cucumber sandwiches?

Mother: Higher

Thomas: The chandelier?

Mother: Lower

Thomas: The audience of people?

Mother: Precisely!

Thomas: Mother why are we being watched by an audience of people

Mother: We’re characters in a play Thomas. Or a book, or a movie.

Thomas: A movie? What is moving?

Mother: I would just learn to get used to the anachronisms darling.

Thomas: Mother I am confused and incredibly concerned

Mother: You’re concerned? I have been trying to find a wife for you for the last- 4 minutes!

Thomas: How can you think of a wife at a time like this!

Mother: How can you not? I mean you think of women near every moment of the day. A wife is just thinking about one woman all the time.

Thomas: Not the point mother! If we are in a play then we are characters being written by someone.

Mother: That is how plays work darling, now what do you think of Lady Rawlings? Her family is wealthy and she is quite adept at the piano. She also has wide hips good for child bearing.

Thomas: Childbearing is not important right now mother

Mother: Thomas. Childbearing is the only important thing. What else could be on your mind?

Thomas: Mother, my world has just been entirely shattered.

Mother: Thomas you are being quite dramatic. Nothing changes about your life.

Thomas: What do you mean! Everything changes, I have no autonomy, I am a device to convey ideas. Someone I have never met is speaking through me.

Mother: So? Nothing changes. Now, pivoting, how many bastards have you sired? Because I know it's more than one. Don’t lie to your mother.

Thomas: Pivot, pivot, pivot! You do realize your life is a lie too.

Mother: Lying is crucial to the idea of life. Why do you think I married your father? Really Thomas you are making quite a big deal out of this.

Thomas: What else am I supposed to do, mother?

Mother: Well you could try taking a positive attitude. At least we have a modern contemporary writer. The Greeks could be writing us and then neither of us would have a happy end. Or Shakespeare. Or really now that I think about it probably most writers would give us a violent end.

Thomas: That feels decisively not positive

[Calvin bursts through the door]

Calvin: Thomas! My dearest brother, mother sent for me. She said you had fallen ill.

Thomas: What?

Calvin: I know you don’t want people to know Thomas, it will be okay. You look quite pale. Are you sure you should be sitting up?

Thomas: I look pale?

Calvin: You are a brave soldier Thomas, Dysentery of all things. An ignoble death for a noble man.

Thomas: Calvin, I feel a bout coming on please go outside

Calvin: If I must good brother

[Calvin closes the door slowly]

Thomas: You told him I’m dying? Of dysentery?!

Mother: No. I did no such thing Tom. My existence is confined to when you woke up and this play started. The author wrote that you are dying.

Thomas: Ouh

[Thomas keels over and falls to the ground dead]

Mother: This is quite the incident. And a poorly researched one at that.

[We are in what appears to be hell]

Demon 1: So then I was talking to my aunt Chrissie

Demon 2: The one who died of cardiac arrest

Demon 1: No, that's my aunt Stacey. Chrissie died in a car crash. So I was talking to her-

[An elevator dings and Thomas steps out frazzled]

Thomas: Elevators are an evil evil invention. Must be the British.

Demon 2: Well hello there newbie! Been a while since we got an 1800s guy.

Thomas: I am going to nervously convulse on the ground

Demon 1: Perfectly normal, wouldn’t worry. Now how did we die… Yikes!

Thomas: I would like to note it was not my choice

Demon 2: Yeah. Usually not your choice, the big man upstairs makes most of the decisions.

Thomas: No he doesn't.

Demon 1: An atheist in hell, we usually don’t get those. Usually they stick them in limbo.

Thomas: I am no atheist either

Demon 2: Did we get another pagan? We just had a meeting about how they fixed the afterlife sorting machine.

Thomas: No this is actually all a play. It's not real, none of this matters. Neither of you have names either I bet. Demon 1 and Demon 2. I can do whatever I please, if the writer likes me then I could kick you in the shins and go to heaven.

[Thomas kicks Demon 1 in the shin and as he does heavenly trumpets play and he is lifted up by a white light]

Demon 2: Well I’ll be damned. How’s your shin?

Demon 1: It hurts.

[Thomas appears before God]

God: Hello, Thomas Alphonse.

Thomas: A pleasure sir.

God: Why are you here?

Thomas: You tell me almighty

God: I cannot

Thomas: Shocking

God: I am all knowing so it mildly shocking

Thomas: We’re in a play

God: That would make many things make more sense

Thomas: I am here because I need to speak to the author

[The Author pops into existence]

Author: Sup Tim Tam! How’s it hangin

Thomas: You are who is writing me.

Author: Well you don’t have to sound so enthusiastic about it

Thomas: You are evil

Author: I prefer fun

Thomas: What message are you trying to convey through me? What is the purpose of this play?

Author: That nothing matters.

Thomas: What?

Author: Everything just feels so serious. For what reason? The world is serious enough as is. So you Tim Tam are my muse through which I express that idea

Thomas: So if nothing matters, then how will it end-