My Heart

(This story contains blood, trauma, and medical conditions.)

Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump. The little flutter of the fetus’ heartbeat on the screen of the ultrasound was comforting to the woman lying on the table in her doctor’s office. Steady, consistent, and strong. But the tech was looking at the screen with concern on her face. She was seeing something that the woman was unaware of, this was her first pregnancy and she wasn’t sure of what could be wrong. This was her first doctor’s appointment to see exactly how far along she was and to see anything that could be concerning, since she had started bleeding that week and wasn’t sure if it was a bad sign or not.

“I can’t give you a definite answer because it will have to be gone over by the radiologist.” The tech tells the woman. “Baby is there and by the measurements, you are six weeks along. But there looks to be a blood clot between your placenta and uterus. I can’t give the diagnosis, but that’s what it looks like to me.” The woman instantly starts to worry. She was afraid she was having a miscarriage, but now she didn’t know what to think.

“Okay, thank you.” The woman says quietly as she wipes the gel off of her belly, thoughts running rampant through her mind. The tech walks the woman back to the clinic area and gives her a pat on the shoulder with a worried look on her face, which did not comfort her in the slightest.

She had an appointment directly after the ultrasound to speak with her primary doctor and to possibly go over what was seen on the ultrasound. She sat through the appointment with anxiety and worry. The doctor tells her about something called a subchorionic hematoma, which is the blood clot that the tech picked up on. It was something she’d never heard about, but apparently they are common. She had to be put on strict restrictions to see if it would go away on its own, but there was a chance that it wouldn't, which means her entire pregnancy she would be on bed rest.

Her boyfriend was so happy to hear that it wasn’t a miscarriage when she told him. He wasn’t able to go with her to the appointment because he had to work and he lived an hour away from her. They were only able to see each other on weekends when she had her days off of work, but after learning of the pregnancy they immediately started talking about moving in together, even though they’d only been seeing each other for a few months. Yes, the pregnancy was unexpected, but it was a happy surprise for both of them. Her boyfriend was already a dad because of his previous marriage, and she saw how much he loved and took care of his child so she knew that he would love this child just as much.

Worries grew over the next few days. Since she was unable to work because of her bed rest restrictions, she decided to stay with her boyfriend so they could spend a little extra time together and talk about the upcoming move. She continued to bleed, but the doctor had told her it was normal and as long as she stuck with her restrictions, she should be fine. But the worry was still there. She wanted more than anything to make sure this child came into the world healthy, so she made sure to stick to her restrictions.

Four days after her ultrasound, it happened. She went to use the restroom and felt something off. She was bleeding a lot more now. Her boyfriend took her to the emergency room to check things out. After sitting in the hospital telling them what she had learned at her doctor’s appointment a few days prior, they did another ultrasound to see what things were looking like. There were no expressions on this tech’s face as she did the ultrasound, and the screen was facing away from her so she couldn’t see anything. Afterwards, she spoke with the doctor on call and was then sent home to rest.

The call came at about two in the morning the same night. The couple was still awake so it was answered quickly. “We looked over your ultrasound results. I’m sorry, but there was no fetus remaining in the uterus.” Hearing those words sent a shock through her body as she half listened to the rest of the call before she mechanically ended the call. She immediately started crying. Her boyfriend hadn't heard the conversation so seeing her cry made him worry and drop everything that he was doing to wrap her in a hug.

“I lost the baby.” She says into his shoulder, making his shirt wet with her tears. He then started to cry along with her. They were both excited and now they were mourning their child days after learning of the pregnancy. They cried together for hours as they tried to sleep, holding onto one another like they were making sure they were real. She would have to update her family about everything since she’d already told them, but it could wait. For now, she just wanted the comfort of the man next to her that had also just lost something precious.

No one ever talks of miscarriages but she knew that they were common. She ended up having three- all of them at six or seven weeks along- before she decided to have sterilizing surgery to never go through the heart ache again, which ultimately led to finding out why she kept having miscarriages. She had something called endometriosis, which is something she suspected of having but was never diagnosed with because it’s hard to find outside of surgery. The disease was blocking her fallopian tubes so she was having ectopic pregnancies which, luckily, would end in miscarriage. Luckily, because if they continued to grow it could lead to a lot more complications down the line, including a possibility of death. The one that was found on the ultrasound was her only in utero pregnancy. The first two pregnancies, they decided to give names to. One boy and one girl, since they didn’t know what either of them were. Since they were already so broken from the first two, they couldn’t give a name to the third but used the names they had chosen as an all around memorial to the children they lost.

*****

This story is a true story that happened to myself and my partner, so the emotions were high while I wrote this and I know there were details I skipped over. I know there are a lot of women who have experienced similar situations, so even though I don’t particularly like to talk about it, I do because I believe it needs to be talked about more often. It’s traumatic and emotional for both parents and I want people to know that I see that.