Diary of a Monster Hunter

                       [December 12th, 2019]

Well diary I know I haven't spoken to you in a while. I'm sorry that I am too busy saving the whole fucking world!

Well, it happened again.

This time in a goddamn hospital!

As you know, I’m in almost perfect shape, especially for an old cowboy such as myself, having spent close to 60 years living on the range.

I was there visiting some of the monsters I had incapacitated, but hadn’t yet sent to monster hell.

The poor saps in those lily-white lab coats wouldn’t know a monster if it changed from a bat and drained their precious blood from them.

After I finished showing a few despicable monsters another way to use a pillow, elated, I took a stroll. Only to end up in a room surrounded by the scourge of ancient Egypt, goddamn mummies!

Now brother, the ghastly moans coming out of these mummies would chill any cowboy’s nerves to the bone.

But this wasn’t my first tangle with these sarcophagi sleepers. One time, in West Texas, (which is the furthest west you can get before city slickers start offering you quinoa or some other bullshit) I ran face to face with a partial mummy.

Well this particular mummy seemed to have cleverly slipped out of MOST of his tell tale bandages, so as to hide among the living.

He even learned some English.

Well brother, these mummies must all go to the same goddamn English teachers because they all say the same three things.

“What?”

“Did you just ask if I’m a mummy?”

“Oh my God you stabbed me! You stabbed me with a fireplace poker!”

That last one varies from mummy to mummy, but that's the gist of it.

Anyway, imagine my horror to find that I was face to face with these horrifically moaning mummies!

This FUCKING hospital must have been in league with the devil. They were housing 25 or so evil Egyptians, in various states of mummy undress.

Some had taken their mummy bandages off to such a degree that only their arm was covered.

Friend, these mummies could slip on a sport coat and mingle with the living!

Of course I couldn’t let that happen.

I grabbed a mop that was carelessly left near the door and I locked those mummies in.

I then proceeded to dump my spare bottle of bourbon under the door. Ha ha ha, brother I can see why the Indians call it “fire water”.

I struck a match against my boot and made eye contact with what I assume was the head mummy.

He was still covered in his mummy wares from head to toe, and even tied up in some kind of pulley system.

His eyes knew I was about to send him back to monster hell and he pleaded with his goddamn mummy eyes to let him wreak havoc on the living.

Well, friend I ain’t having it.

I set light to that puddle of spirit that drifted under the door and in a flash, their surprisingly well kept mummy wrapping went up in roaring flames.

Some of the mummies who were able to walk tried to open the door, but were thwarted by a simple broomstick.

Bet you didn’t have those in pyramid times, King Tut.

Their moans were horrible, but they also filled me with a sense of accomplishment.

I had once again rid the world of terrible monsters.

I went out the front door of that despicable hospital and found an ambulance driven by a vampire (who I quickly dispatched) and I tore outta there like a goddamn vampire bat out of hell.

I drove the ambulance to the river, where I dumped it, and then walked the rest of the way to my home.

Bonanza was on, and I think I earned a nice relaxing evening.

[February 19th, 2020]

Well, it finally happened.

This morning I was visited by the ambassador of the devil himself, an invisible man.

I was abruptly ripped from a pleasant dream of dispatching monsters to the sound of rapping at my door

But brother, when I went outside, nary a soul could be found

“WHO’S THERE?” I shouted.

Then, just as I was about to go back inside, safe from the bloodthirsty monsters that stalk me, I heard it.

“What?”

That goddamn invisible man had put on a hyper-realistic human suit!

Brother, these crafty invisible men will do anything they can to fool you, complete with lifelike latex masks and hyper realistic glass eyes.

This invisible man was particularly crafty. He was disarmingly dressed as a gas meter reader.

“Oh hey, I didn’t think you were home”, he slyly murmured.

Oh I bet.

“Come on in”, I said as I stepped to the side.

He had no idea that I knew.

As he went to the back room where the meter was I followed him closely. You can’t lose sight of these invisible men for even a second.

Partner, they’ll disappear in a flash.

The poor sap passed my monster armory without a second glance. Clearly he is accustomed to dealing with unsuspecting rubes.

As we passed the armory, I grabbed a full sized halberd and I followed closely.

“Yeah, the gas meter is just back there...you sonofabitch”

“What did you...”

But before he could finish, I swung downward with my mighty polearm, cleaving him in two.

Now partner, I don’t have to tell you that these invisible men are always adapting. Some of them even inject what must be real human blood into their hate filled bodies, and brother that’s the one I ran into that day.

I won’t bore you with how I got that filthy monster’s human shell out of my home but let’s just say you won’t be NOT seeing him ever again.

[April 2nd, 2020]

Well, I am sorry to disappoint you, if you had hoped that the world of the living was finally safe from Satan’s minions.

This morning I made my daily pilgrimage to the post office in order to send packages to certain individuals I know to be lizard people.

While waiting in line, I felt a presence close to me...then a bump.

Then just like that, some fucking asshole shoves past me and walks up to the next available teller.

As he walked, I noticed that there was definitely something off about him.

His legs seemed long and spindly.

Almost...slender.

In fact, his whole frame was very slender.

Just then it dawned on me!

The man who cut in front of me was a goddamn Slenderman!

Well, I could not just let this fucking monster get away with this.

Before he got to the teller, he cleverly turned to apologize and explained that he didn’t see me there and that I could go ahead of him, but of course I just smiled and said it was fine.

Yes, everything was fine you thin son of a bitch.

He finished his business with the cashier, smiled, and nodded to me as he walked past. Completely oblivious to what was in store for him.

I hurriedly sent the box of dead birds to Usher and with that the chase was on.

Luckily for me, the Slenderman had so tried to emulate human behavior that he even stopped to help an old woman load a heavy package into her trunk.

Bad move, monster.

I got in my mighty 1994 Ford Taurus and waited for him to start his monstermobile.

As he left the parking lot, no doubt on his way to wreak havoc on the living, I followed closely behind.

This Slenderman had a busy day. Who knew Slendermen needed haircuts, fresh produce at the farmers market and an oil change?

This goddamn Slenderman was busy.

Finally he pulled up to his horrifying monster hovel and opened the garage.

This waifish fiend gingerly walked into his monster asylum and that was my cue.

I sprung from my car, retrieved my special monster device, and strode up to his door.

Monsters are known to be crafty, but I had a feeling this one was as dumb as a loaf of wet bread.

I rung his doorbell and he, still in disguise as a human, opened the door.

“Yes, may I...hey you’re the guy from the post office. Why do you have a hamme...”

But before he could finish, I was on him.

My mighty monster device made short work of this Slenderman.

Pshhh, these monsters like to act tough, but if you actually have the guts to stand up to them, partner, they are just a bunch of lilly livered crying and gurgling nancies.

While I was there I took a look around. It had been a few months since I had been inside a recently dispatched monster’s house.

This particular monster even put up pictures of him with hyperrealistic mannequins pretending to eat cake with party hats on. The lengths these monsters will go to.

I went back to my car and retrieved more tools I use in the service of monster hunting and poured the gasoline all over his floor.

Some of these monsters come back and you can’t be too sure.

I lit the road flare and threw it on the ground. In an instant, the room was glowing, with the flames licking the walls and creeping towards the ceiling.

As I turned to leave, hahaha pardner wouldn’t you know it, that god-damned Slenderman grabbed my ankle and begged me to help him.

Just like you help all those people you haunt Slenderman???

No sir, not today buster.

I handcuffed him to a nearby grand piano with my special monster handcuffs.

Not so tough now are you Mr. Skinny? Say hi to Dracula for me.

After with that I was gone.

I had done my work for the day, and by golly some of those tomatoes at the farmers market looked mighty tasty.

I hope they still had some.