Do Not Travel

Caroline did not want to leave the house today. She’d turned over a thousand scenarios in her head just while brushing her teeth, and now she sifted through all the excuses she could come up with to cancel this date. Leaning heavily over her bowl of cheap oatmeal, Caroline took slow, deliberate breaths until her chest stopped feeling so tight.

Her phone vibrated hard against the wooden table in the specific pattern that meant someone was texting her.

Caroline pushed her bowl of oatmeal out of the way and dropped her head lightly on the table. She hoped briefly to enjoy the sensation of cool wood, only to be disappointed when her forehead fell against the exact spot her scalding hot microwave-safe bowl had been sitting. She closed her eyes and sighed heavily.

When her phone buzzed again, it traveled just a bit closer to the edge of the table, and Caroline grabbed it to keep it from hitting the ground. Her screen already had a spiderweb crack in the corner from her overly-enthusiastic Newfoundland's giant paws. Another bump or crash and the old smartphone would probably quit on her.

Caroline punched in her passcode.

Incorrect passcode- she groaned and typed it in again. There.

The lock screen faded out to show her wallpaper. A picture she still hadn’t been able to delete from her phone. God they looked so happy, and the engagement ring on her finger caught the light beautifully, sparkling beneath the Miami sun. A date at the bottom righthand corner proudly declared it the date of their anniversary. June 19th.

Caroline glanced at the calendar. June 19th.

Jake had been planning their anniversary date for months. Caroline should have broken the engagement sooner- she knew that- but every time she wanted to have the conversation, something went wrong. Jake got sick, Caroline’s shitty car stopped working, Bowie (the Newfoundland in question) started throwing up blood. Always a reason to cancel. Always a reason to put it off.

But now a nauseous feeling crept up into her throat and made her feel sick. Because Caroline knew. She could not sit through this anniversary date knowing her own intentions. She had to do it today.

This time, her phone started ringing before she could answer Jake’s usual ‘I love you’ text.

Caroline answered instinctually, before her better judgment could stop her.

“Did you tell him yet?” her coworker, Naomi, spoke quickly but softly. The voice of a girl making secret phone calls in the work bathroom.

“No. I’m going to do it today.”

“Ah, so he’s forced to buy you a nice lunch before you shatter his heart. Girl, you’re evil! I absolutely love you.”

“Shut up or I’ll tell Kevin how you’re using company time,” Caroline quipped back.

“See? Evil bitch,” Naomi’s shit-eating grin was basically audible.

Caroline hung up on her when she noticed the phone was trembling with her hands. Sometime during the phone call, her eyes began to sting. She hadn’t cried about leaving Jake yet. All of her friends advised her not to cry. It was the right thing to do. That’s what everyone said.

But if it was true, then why? Why did her heart feel as if a stack of college textbooks was pressed firmly on top of it? Why did she constantly wonder what might happen if she confronted Jake about the photos? The texts?

She didn’t need to wonder. He’d be furious- rightfully so- that she’d gone through his phone. He’d break the engagement off before Caroline did.

The thought filled her with a sadness she couldn’t name. She didn’t want to be the one to do it, but to have Jake do it seemed a million times worse.

Bowie, either sensing her sadness or demanding ear scratches, dropped his giant head into her lap, filling it with drool. His leather collar proudly displayed the address to Caroline’s apartment. She liked to pretend part of the reason she’d been putting things off so long was because she was afraid Jake might want to take Bowie back. But Jake didn’t really seem like as much of a dog person as Caroline was, so she was sure that this gift- unlike her engagement ring- would be one that she’d be keeping.

Somewhere outside, tires screeched and a car horn sounded off. Caroline glanced up at her open window while she absently rubbed Bowie’s ears.

“I guess I should get ready,” she said quietly, her voice bouncing off the walls in a way that felt almost like talking to an empty hospital room.

Bowie turned and shambled toward the couch before jumping onto the end of it. His favorite cushion appeared ragged and squashed from the many 8-hour naps he took there. Caroline smiled, then pushed herself up from the table.

She moved through her apartment slowly- almost detached- as if she were playing a first-person video game rather than existing comfortably in her own mind. Even on her very best days, her hands sometimes seemed… disembodied. Even when she felt the best she had in months, there was a discomfort churning in her stomach.

Caroline stripped her striped v-neck first. It was one of her favorite shirts, green and white with a lacy sewn-in tank top. Followed by her jeans, a pair of ultra skinnies that she knew Jake absolutely loved on her. She stepped into the shower and turned the water so hot that it turned her skin bright red. Her phone vibrated against the sink countertop just outside the shower curtain.

By the time she’d finished washing and rinsing her hair, her phone started ringing again. As Caroline stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself up in a soft pink towel, she snatched her phone and punched in the passcode.

Jake: You probably shouldn’t leave the house tonight. Check the weather.

He’d sent her a screenshot of the weather app.

Severe thunderstorm warning. Flash flooding. Do not travel.

Caroline stared at the phone in her hand like it was an otherworldly artifact, uncomprehending for a moment or two. Then, a wave of conflicting emotion struck her, and Caroline ran back the hallway to her room, where she collapsed on her bed and screamed into the plush grey comforter until her throat hurt. She cried, finally cried. Her eyes stung and tears streamed down her face and stained her pillow black with her eyeliner.

Bowie wandered back the hall into her room where he jumped up on her bed without getting invited to do so. He laid his head on her back while her body shook with sobs.

Caroline blinked her tears back as best she could and wrapped the massive black dog in a hug. She squeezed him as tightly as she could- still not tightly enough to make him groan or wince- and he pressed a bit closer to her chest, as he always did when he wasn’t feeling well. God, Caroline hoped he wasn’t sick again. God knows she couldn’t afford that.

Caroline continued to cry. She cried until her tears dried up and left her face puffy. Her eyeliner ran down her cheeks in several large, dark streams.

Then, she took a deep breath, fully inhaling. Released it. Inhaled again, just like her therapist instructed. Kept going.

She held her phone against her chest for a moment before she began typing.

Caroline: Actually Jake, give me a call. I have to talk to you.