Shelby

Initially, I could not see her, but I could feel her. I thought I was dreaming. She would appear around the same time, early in the morning before dawn. She encouraged me, soothed me with kind words, spoke in hushed tones. I thought she was my subconscious mind, reminding me of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy my counsellor was doing with me at the time. Afterwards, I would fall into a deep sleep.

When I woke, I barely remembered what she said. This went on for weeks. I began to set my alarm earlier so I could work out what was going on. She never appeared then and stopped visiting me altogether for a time.

Then one night I saw her. She sat on the end of my bed, silhouetted by the full moon shining through my bedroom window. She looked real enough. I was simultaneously terrified and awestruck. I strained to see her features. I could see she had dark hair and was wearing a flowy dress. I tried to move closer to her but I couldn’t. My arms and legs were like lead, I could barely lift my head off the pillow.

She knew my name. She would always use it when she spoke to me. She had told me hers once before. It was Shelby.

On this occasion, my voice was able to form words so I could ask her a question. To my astonishment, she answered. I wanted to know, whether I should apply for a job I’d seen advertised. She knew how unhappy I was in my job. She sensed everything, could read my mind. She said absolutely yes, I should. After that she vanished. I tried to get up to search for her, but my legs failed again. Among her many powers it seemed, was anesthesia.

When I woke, I wrote everything I remembered in my journal.

Over the next few weeks, Shelby visited me every morning. It was always the same. She would sit on the end of my bed. She told me everything was going to be okay. She wanted to know how the job application was progressing, and told me to believe in myself. It didn’t matter what the outcome, she said, it’s the effort you are making. This, will make you stronger. Confidence and self-belief is a muscle Samantha, and you must strengthen it. I promise you, it is within you already.

In the early morning on the day of my interview she visited me. Something felt different though. The room was cold, and I could barely make out her shape. Shelby didn’t sound her usual self. She spoke with an urgency I wasn’t used to.

“Samantha you are in danger. Promise me you won’t talk to strangers today.” Then she disappeared. This time I didn’t fall back to sleep. I lay in bed wondering how on earth I was going to get to my job interview without talking to strangers. It required two buses and a train to get from one end of the city to the other. I calculated that even if I didn’t speak to any strangers on the way, I most certainly would be in a room full of them at the interview. Surely nothing bad could happen at a job interview?

I had kept all this to myself, my visits from Shelby. Now was not the right time to be sharing this ridiculous story to a friend or my mother or sister. I read back through my journal, my notes meticulously recounting every conversation Shelby and I had. I really should have discussed this with my counsellor. This went on for weeks. Although she probably would have had me committed. In that moment, it didn’t seem like a bad thing.

“You are getting stronger everyday Samantha.”

“How do you know that Shelby?”

“I can feel it, I see you. The way you handled that difficult colleague the other day, you certainly took control of that situation.”

I actually hadn’t told Shelby any of this. She just knew. Aaron was trying to take credit for the work I’d done on a project, blatantly lying to the client the “idea that came to him at 3am in the morning”, all the while sharing the presentation I’d spent weeks on. Later, I did confront him, and he agreed to my demand of declaring transparency to the client and our manager, that he had distorted to truth, and that in fact, the idea was mine.

I really wanted this new job. It was written for me. I worked hard to get the interview. Who was I to believe? Shelby was the one always telling me to belief in myself, trust my instincts, take a risk. Perhaps this was a test. She knew my default was to cower in fear, surely that was why she started visiting me in the first place.

I had taken the day off for my interview. A test run of the bus and train rides completed the week before. Checked out a cafe with a quiet table where I could sit with a pot of tea, well before schedule. Listen to my meditation, repeat my mantras, then take the 127 steps to the office where my interview was to be held.

Ignoring Shelby’s advice, I got ready to leave. I talked to myself, first in my head, then out loud.

You will be fine.

You WILL be fine.

YOU WILL BE FINE.

I felt confident as I stepped out my door and made my way to the train station. I did not make eye contact with a single person. I listened to my favourite psychology podcast, consciously using a breathing technique my yoga teacher taught to calm the nerves. I arrived at Central Station and changed platforms. I was in a world of my own and barely registered the people around me. The next train was more crowded than the first. I didn’t get a seat, but that was okay. Only three stops until the bus interchange, where I would take the final leg of my trip. Once I was seated on the bus, I cued my meditation on my headphones. It was precisely the duration of the bus ride. Sixteen minutes. That I’d made it this far was a testimony to my strength. No-one was going to harm me today. I’d put Shelby’s words way out of my mind, parked them in a storage bay with a roller door and heavy padlock.

I allowed myself to look out the window, such was my confidence by this stage. I needed to ground myself in reality to perform in this interview. Nothing in particular was happening, just regular people going about their day.

I got off the bus and headed towards the café. Everything was going to plan so far. The waiter was so friendly, the pot of tea I ordered was the perfect temperature, the smell of freshly baked raspberry muffins filled my nostrils. I made a note that I would come back here afterwards and indulge in one.

The interview was a resounding success. I felt calm and confident, did not stumble over my words. I remembered and used the names of everyone on the panel. I was both articulate and succinct and gave lots of examples of how I met the criteria. I couldn’t have been happier. Even if I didn’t get it, I’d done my best, and despite Shelby’s warnings, I made it there in one piece, alive.

The day had a few more surprises, none of them sinister. I went back to that café. The muffin was delicious. The waiter was especially chatty the second time around and asked me on a date! I felt a lightness I had forgotten I possessed. My counsellor was sick and cancelled my appointment. I went shopping instead. I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in years, and we exchanged numbers and promised each other to meet up soon. I went to yoga and felt strong and centered.

I couldn’t wait to tell Shelby that she was wrong. I went to bed early, set my alarm for 4:30am. I wanted to be ready.