I Fear to Fail

How long has it been? How long have I been stuck here, thinking? I feel my life worth withering away each second longer I await the end, I see my parents, I can sense the disappointment they have towards me.

So much effort put into the past nineteen years of my life, for to all lead up to this, a shriveless end. I…wanted to be an author, a poet. I wanted to get lost in the world of make believe. Perhaps that was my attempt to run from the world I was born into, a way to avoid the responsibility I have taken on. I promised them I’d make them proud.

My sister…I wonder what she’s doing. Hopefully she lives a better life, hopeful she’s more responsible than I. My hand trembles, it aches. My head pounds so hard I feel my skull crack. How much time has passed again?

I turn my head to the right, then left. I see my peers, but their faces are hidden from me. Why? Why do I ignore them like I do, why do I fail to recognize their strengths?

I’ve always gone at this sort of thing alone, haven’t I? I always rejected their help, now I’m paying for it. I thought…I would be the one to bring my family greatness…how selfish. But, also foolish on their part, because they believed in me.

No that’s not right. My mother, my father. Despite their separation, they love me equally. To love is to believe in in the one you love is it not? Or am I mistaken. It seems I’m mistaken about a lot of things lately.

I believe in fate for a while. I thought I was fated to be great. All throughout school, I was the best. Both in the field and in the class…I was practically a scholar. I thought the next step would be easy, thought it would be the right place for me. Now that I look around, I understand, I was never meant to be here. Because hear, I’m not special, and that hurts to know. I’m sure for them its normal, they’ve known their whole life how smart they are…. or perhaps they didn’t. I wonder, were they born smart like I? Did they cherish success as I do?

I want to scream, punch something. But I can’t, because they will guarantee my failure. Or perhaps I should just do that, they would just get it over with faster.

How long has my foot been beating against the floor? I hear it now, Its probably been agitating everyone else for a while now too. I’m in a cold sweat. Do they notice, do they see my anxiousness? Do they laugh at my lack of intelligence, my lack of strength?

I see a battlefield, knights, dragons…this is the sort of world I have lived within my entire life. I love books, the world people create simply through words is such a wonderful and remarkable thing. I wish I could be there now…or perhaps I was their. Sitting here, I am surrounded by countless men and women, fighting for something they care about. Or at least I would presume they do, because why else would they have come here today?

So, what is this then that sits before me…my advisery. His sword is already inches away from my bare chest, ready to end my life. If I fail this…then my life ends right? That’s how I’ve seen it for a long time…there is nothing more important than success. Failure means the end. To rail is to disappoint those who have believed in you, loved you, and put faith in you.

I think of the heroes of books, the success. They save the world…the achieve greatness and all those who believed in them are happy. What would have happened if Harry Potter failed and what world fell to Voldemort? They would blame Harry, would they not? Because they trusted him to be the chosen one, and he failed.

What about Star Wars, I’m a movie guy too. What would have happened if Luke had failed? Emperor would have continued to rule the galaxy and all those who believed Luke to be the chosen one would have blamed him. What about Vin from MistBorn? Darrow from Red Rising?

I’m not the main character of a story. I know that, but failure means all the same whether it’s a book or the real world. It means disappointment.

The sword begins to puncture my chest. Their must only be a minute left, and I sit here, unfinished with my task. Most of the room has been abandoned. Yet I still sit here. My heart pounds, my hand aches…my foot pats the ground.

“Remember,” and old voice speaks. The voice of my professor from behind his desk. “It’s only a single test, so don’t stress too hard.”

Just a test? What is he on about? Tests are created to measure our intelligence; our success is biased of these scores are they not? You either pass or fail, and failure means you didn’t reach the point of recognition.

“Their will be others.” He continued. “You will fail plenty. I have, so have my peers. But failure is not a determining factor of one’s life. You can always get back up and grow form it.”

I…don’t’ get it. All my life, I have been smart. I have praised; I have been told I’d be great. My family put faith in me to be great.

A minute goes by, and I turn in my test. The first test of my college career. The final minute felt like hours. I stood in the doorway to the class, my hand aches, my head still pounds, beads of sweat crawl down my face.

The sword punctured my chest. I know I failed…theirs no way I didn’t. I refused to study, I refused help. Because I've never needed it before.

The sword punctured my chest, but my heart still beats.

I understand.

Ones first taste of failure hurts, mine definitely does at least. I’ve never turned in something that I wasn’t sure I was going to pass. Yet…I still walk the halls, I’m still hear. It was only the first of many like my professor said.

I curse to myself. I, and avid book reader, ignored the message often pressed in them. Both in movies and novels. The main character fails. Darrow failed, multiple times throughout his story. Vin failed, Luke lost a hand in his first duel. But they never gave up. Because failure is only a step towards greatness.

Failure isn't a means for disappointment. However, to give up after a single failure, can be. So, when one gets beat down, pinned to the ground and a knife pinned against their chest. If you’re heart still beats, you can stand again, and you can continue to walk, and you can continue to grow yourself.

Failure is only a step on the way towards who you want to be.