The Proposal

I couldn’t say yes. His hand held mine so tenderly that I could barely feel it, brown eyes hopeful and terrified burning into every fear that came to my mind. The ring. I’d seen many engagement rings but the one he held couldn’t dare be placed on any finger attached to me, three emerald stones with a silver band because he knew I preferred silver to gold. His fingers quivered against my fingers, his smile slowly seeping away the longer I stood there without the expected answer.

I wanted to yank at my chest, tears colliding against my shirt from my chin. My eyes left his, shooting around his round dinner table. A bouquet of peonies were stuffed in a glass vase on the edge, table filled with crab-legs, mussels and shrimp shells, nutcrackers covered in butter grease, and what was left of the boil on a platter in the center. In the chair between where we sat rested a stuffed Winnie the Pooh bear hugging Tigger. Candles aligned the kitchen counter offering a faint citrus aroma. It showed everything about the man I loved and even more so, it showed how much he thought he knew me.

“Darius...” I said, slightly above a whisper.

“Clia? You good?” A nervous chuckle hung at the end of his words.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t?” His smile disappeared completely, his Adam’s apple jumping in his throat. “I mean there’s only two possible answers, unless you get creative.” He chuckled again, just like him to try and find humor in any awkward situation.

“I know. I want to give you the answer you want.”

“The answer I want? What do you mean? You don’t want to marry me?”

“I do, you know I do.”

“Then what’s going on? What’s wrong?” He asked, watching Niagara Falls run from my eyes. My body trembled as I slowly slipped my hand out of grip and took a step back.

“I’m sorry, D.” I whispered. I stared down at my feet, only hearing the subtle shuffle of him standing. I soaked my hand with my tears, sniffling as we both faced each other.

“I don’t get it, Clia. We talked about marriage, you want to get married.”

“I do.”

“And you love me.”

“I do.”

“Then why are you saying no?”

“Because.”

“That’s not an answer, babe.” He said. I rolled my eyes. He still had the nerve to call me that. Feeling my legs losing their stamina I stalked to his living room and sat in the corner of his grey sectional, tucking my feet under me and taking one of the throw pillows I’d bought him weeks ago. I held it close and laid my forehead on it. He came in seconds later, taking a spot on the cushion next to me.

“I’m so sorry.” I said.

“Can you just talk to me, please? Look at me.” His tone was firm but light. I took a long breath before straightening, looking in his direction but avoiding eye contact. “That’s not looking at me.” He called out, and I responded quickly. I looked right at him, and fought every urge to look away again. I saw the tears he fought to keep tucked away.

“I told you I don’t know what to say.”

“The truth would be great. Why won’t you marry me?”

“I don’t know, I’m scared.” The back of my hand swiped another bunch of tears away. He rose from the couch and walked over to the end table next to his recliner, took the tissue box from it and returned. He handed me the box as he went back to his seat.

“Of what?”

“Just stuff. There’s a lot of things. We still need to get to know each other more, you know?’

“Are you serious? Get to know each other? Two years ain’t enough to get to know you?”

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad but I mean, I’m a little thrown off guard.”

“No don’t say that, you should be mad at me. I completely ruined this, I’m so sorry.” My face fell into my hands, sobbing into the tissue.

“Look I’m really trying to understand but you have to give me something.”

“I know, I know.” I replied with a sigh, pulling the Kleenex from my face. I stared down at the tissue, letting the silence fall between us for a few seconds so I could find the words.

“I do want to get married to you.”

“You do? But?”

“I just want to make sure you’re ready.”

“What does that even mean? Didn’t I ask you?”

“Yes you did but have you really thought about it? What if you change your mind? What if we start learning more about each other and you realize you actually don’t want me anymore?”

Darius heavy sighed, propping his elbows on his knees and shaking his head. “Clia now is not the time for hypotheticals. How many times have we talked about stuff like this?”

“But I’m serious, though. You making this small isn’t helping.”

“I’m not trying to make it small, but we’ve had this conversation. You ask me these ‘what if’ questions all the time and what do I always tell you?”

“This is different.”

“How so?”

“Because there are actually things you might not know that might make you look at me differently. You say it won’t but you don’t know that.” It fell quiet again, our eyes locked and by the narrowing of his, I knew things were about to get worse.

“What don’t I know, Clia?”

“I-I-I mean its not...people can go on years and still find things to learn about their-”

“What don’t I know, Clia?” His body leaned an inch toward me, his eyes widened. “Did you cheat on me?”

“No, no I didn’t. I promise. But its stuff I did before we got together.”

“And you really think it’s something that bad that you makes you scared to say yes? Then why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I don’t know, Darius. I thought about it sometimes. I thought I could just forget about it and let it go, let the past be the past. I didn’t think it was necessary. But like I said,” I paused and looked back down at my hands, “things resurface.”

“I love you Clia but can you please stop talking in riddles? What is it?”

“I lied to you,” the words cracked as I tried to sit up, preparing for the worst. “I told you I was celibate before you asked to be together.”

His head tilted upward, gaze darting around the ceiling like he was looking for something up there. Then it returned to me. “Care to explain why?”

“Well I’d prefer not to.” I admitted. All he did was get me the side eye, lips in a thin line. I sighed. “I didn’t sleep with a bunch of people or anything. But I just didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t know how you’d treat me.”

“What happened?” He said an eye roll. I could tell he was close to losing tolerance. I nodded.

“There were two guys I would see from time to time.” I said with a swallow. His brows creased.

“Not dating...”

“No. Just...messing around” I just watched him take in my words. He turned away, fiddling with this fingers as he stared at the carpet. That was the part that wrecked my nerves. Unlike me, Darius was a silent processor. I wanted to know what he was thinking, how angry he was. I wanted to know if he regretted what he asked me like I thought he would.

“Why you didn’t tell me that? You know how I was before I met you, before we-”

“It’s really different, Darius. Come on, you can’t act like you don’t know that.”

“So this is a man versus woman thing?” His shoulders tensed and relaxed with his question, his hands out in front of him before clasping together again.

“Kinda.”

“But I’m not other men, I’m me. I’ve opened up to you, about a lot of stuff that no one else knows. I told you I’d never judge you, so I’m not understanding that.”

“Are you mad I didn’t tell you or are you mad about what I did?”

“Clia you slept with a couple of people. Okay. So?” He sat up straight, moving his hands around when he spoke. It always amused me, him being the only man I knew who talked with his hands. “It’s the past, I wouldn’t have been mad about it. How come you decide now is the best time to tell me?” He kept his gaze on me. I breathed out heavily, reaching into my back pocket and removing my phone. I unlocked it and went to my deleted text thread.

“One of them reached out to me two weeks ago.” I told him. That got his eyes on me, wide.

“And?”

“Nothing happened. I stopped talking to him, texting him, everything.”

“You stopped? So you were talking to him. You didn’t block him?” He asked, his tone heightened.

“No, I didn’t think about it. I just deleted the number after I told him we had to stop seeing each other. I didn’t think anything of it. He fought it and tried every now and then to reach out but he got the hint. At least I thought he did.”

“What did he text you?”

“He sent me a...picture.” I said.

His eyes almost left the sockets. My teeth together as I gathered whatever saliva was left in my mouth and gulped.

“Let me see it.” He said. More like he demanded it.

“Darius I don’t think that's-” his glare stopped me dead in my speech. I gulped again, handing him my iPhone. I watched his fingers move around the screen, and I noticed when he found the right thread as his thumb steadily scrolled. His jaw tightened and openings of his nose almost doubled in size. His bottom lip pulled in between his teeth as he tossed my phone on the couch.

“Darius-”

“Some dude has been texting you behind my back, and now he’s sending you pics of himself and you don’t tell me?”

“I didn’t want to make you upset. You see I deleted it completely.”

“You still should’ve told me, Clia!” That’s when he stood, and my heart hit the floor. He started pacing back and forth, rubbing his face with his hand before tucking them both in his pockets.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Darius. I thought if I told you-”

“I’d leave, or whatever you said. Yeah I got it.”

“See I wasn’t wrong, look at you.”

“You lied to me, Clia. You should have told me this a long time ago. You wait until I’m ready to commit my life to you, put my heart on the line and make me feel like an idiot for something you kept from me.”

“I never meant for it to be like this. You’re telling me you wouldn’t have been mad?”

“No! You’re not the only one who had sex with people, Clia. But I told you all my stuff, I laid everything bare for you and you looked me in my eye and lied. You mean to tell me in two years I still didn’t make you feel safe enough to talk to me? You got another man texting you and you really believe that’s not something I need to know?” The tears he held in were no longer locked away. One fell, and he tried to swipe it away before I could see it.

“I was embarrassed, Darius! It wasn’t something I normally did. I was so ashamed, I just wanted to bury it. I wasn’t in a good place then.”

“Wow.” He stopped pacing, eyes piercing into me.

“See, look how you’re reacting!”

“Clia I was real with you. I was honest and you never gave me the decency to do the same.”

“I was scared to lose you! I was scared what you’d think of me.”

“Do you realize that’s not how a relationship works?” His hand moved from his chest toward me and back again three times. “I understand being scared Clia but no, that’s not enough. Nevermind what you did with them, the guy still wants you and you didn’t tell me. How would you feel if I kept something like that from you?”

I flinched. He was right. The thought never occurred to me. Knowing myself, I would have thought the worst and likely chewed him out. But I knew him. He’d never do that. I kept my head down, my right leg bouncing. I thought to myself how glad I was that I hadn’t worn make-up. My mouth opened, and then closed again. Another apology seemed pointless. No other words came to me.

“I’m really sorry.” I said.

“Yeah.” My head lifted in time to watch him plunge in his recliner. He licked his lips as his arms slumped over the arm rests. He stared straight ahead as he plucked the ring box out of his pocket. He didn’t look at it, only played with it against the chair, tension flexing in the veins in his neck.

“Do you want me to go?” I asked, and the question lingered in the thick air. It was uncomfortably quiet. I peeked at him through wet lashes. There was no movement. ‘He wants you to leave but he doens’t want to be mean,’ I thought.

“I don’t know.” He replied after minutes passed. Thought confirmed.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking about what you said about me not being ready. I’m not the one who’s not ready.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because if I didn’t propose you still wouldn’t have told me any of this.” His head shifted in my direction. “You really thought this was something to keep from me, for two years.” His eyes met mine, both filled with tears that overflowed. “You don’t trust me.”

My jaw dropped. “Of course I do, Darius! How could you say something like that? I trust you with my life.”

“But not your heart.” He said with a gulp. My eyes fluttered and I shook my head.

“That’s not true.” I replied, refusing to believe it. He kept his lips pressed together, his expression the same.

“Is there anything else I need to know?”

“That is not true, Darius.”

He rolled his eyes softly, like he was in a daze. “Is there anything else I need to know, Clia? What about the other guy?”

“I haven’t heard from him since I cut things off.” I said. His stare gave me chills, watching me as though bracing himself for more pain.

“Then yeah, you can go.” He replied. My chest ducked at his words and I broke eye contact. My lips rolled in between my teeth to keep my silent as I turned away. The corner of my eye snuck in one more sight of the remnants of what was supposed to be a night to remember in the best sense. I went to remove my jacket from the hook in the entry way and put it on. My body shifted toward where he remained.

“I do love you, Darius. With everything in me, I love you so much.”

“Is that enough, though?” The only things that moved were his lips. It wasn’t a full second after he spoke that I was opening his front door and leaving, storming to the elevator with my sobs echoing in the hallway.