Void

Dear, Journal

Empty space. That's all that's there. It's empty, like this never ending void in my chest where my feelings used to be. I try to find someone or something that could fill it but however I have had no such luck. My void is empty, there is nothing there. All that's left is dark. Every second that I have nothing to fill it with it takes more and it leaves more void. Just an endless abyss that continues to grow. I try to fill it with the food or the next empty promise a lover could give.

I tend to toss and turn as the night unfolds. I can never feel the warmth or comfort of the sheets or the bed. The void is just empty. With it growing more everyday. As I settle into this now dismal way of life that I moved to, I can't help but have a small ounce of hope.  Maybe I will fill the void or maybe it will stay.

Sincerely, Amira.

I set my pencil down and start to gently massage my temples. It is so hard to write down my emotions. I feel as if sometimes I'm being too cocky or selfish, letting out my feelings of the void. I know it's there and I know it must be fixed but being a woman in today's time is more difficult than it was years ago. We must please the man to give him what he wants. However I am not like that at all, free will, a woman should never fear a man. A man and woman are partners in today's time. One is no more equal than the other. So I must live to be myself. I can not let what that of a man says change me or who I am. 

Now going to college seems like a nightmare. The more boys there are, the more people with that opinion, that a woman should please a man. So I can't wait to see what nightmare tomorrow starts.

I wake up again from the nightmares of falling. They always end right before my alarm goes off. I stop my alarm as it rings. I pull the covers off of me not caring if it is cold, I can't feel it anyways. I grab a towel and my clothes and get in a shower. As the water runs over my body I try to recollect the nightmare once more, but it is nothing more than a wisp of nothingness. The only thing I remember is falling, plummeting to my death and then a flash and I'm awake. I shake my thought from my head, I can worry about this later, I turn the shower off and stand there for a moment. I take in three shaky breaths. I can do this, I tell myself. I get out of the shower and wrap the towel around my frail frame. I pull the hair dryer out and my brush and start drying my hair.As I’m doing this, I begin to feel the dizzy feeling I always get in the morning. All the sudden a drop of blood drops on the counter. I turn off the dryer and put a hand to my nose and pull it away. I see that my nose is bleeding, I look up. My eyes have changed, my eyes that are normally a dark brown, are now a piercing sterling silver and my pupils have become slits. All of a sudden my hair, that was long and a soil brown, had become a midnight black and had shortened a great deal. I start to walk backwards away from the mirror and the image fades. I walked back and saw everything had gone back to normal. I shake it off. Probably just the lack of sleep getting to me.

I pull the towel off and get dressed. After I pull my skinny jeans on and my tank top, I walk out to my room and grab my combat boots, turtleneck sweater, and backpack. I run as fast as I can down the stairs, grab a bag of doughnuts, throw on my shoes and run out the door. I barely made the bus. I find an empty seat and sit down. A random boy sits down next to me. “Hi.” He holds out a hand. I looked at it and turned away. “Not a talkative person I see. That's cool.” He turned away after this and started talking to someone else. Now I was able to get a good look at him, he had a kinda fluffy curly hair that was brown with some sun kissed blonde. He had a really nice defined jawline. With some stubble, he was wearing a kinda tight t-shirt with some jeans and tennis shoes. Now that I saw it, he was kinda cute, in a boyish sense of way. I turned my head away. All of a sudden I felt something. Someone's hand was on my jaw, but no one was touching me, and then it faded away. I turn forward and lean my head back. What has been happening to me this morning.

When the bus stops at the school I wait till most people are off, so I don't get run over, and then I get off. Strangely, fluffy haired boy was waiting. I start walking to try and get past him but he starts walking backwards to catch up to me. “Hello dark and beautiful. How was the watchers' bus ride?” I stop, “You saw me looking?” He smiles, “Ah, yes, it wasn't that hard actually. Your voice matches your beauty perfectly.” I look at him for a moment and see he is being serious. “Thank you.” Something in me stirs, for a moment the void didn't feel so empty, the empty felt smaller. “My name is Amira.” I stare down at my feet. “Justin,” he replies, “Amira, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” I shake his hand this time. I start heading to class as Justin follows. I head towards the Science and Physiology department and he heads towards the Law and Justice department. I reach my first class and regret wearing a tank top and throw my turtleneck on fast. I felt like maybe for once I may fill the void but who knows, it may stay.