Unchosen Paths

Courtney stood in the doorway of her reading den, staring wide eyed at her beloved space; her safe-haven. The one place in the world she knew every single inch of. She knew every single shelf like it was a living breathing thing. Everything was placed with a intention. Every book cover was neatly placed and aligned, organized by her very specified system. Every knick-knack or bookend served a purpose. The cups full of bookmarks and marking pens placed in any open space, creative a neat and purposeful place that was exactly her. More than that though, she knew exactly how the chairs were turned toward each other, one next to each shelf. How the gray blanket is tri folded and laid diagonally across the back of the chair on the left. The blush pink blanket double folded across the back of the right chair.

That's why the second she saw the battered gray book cover shoved in between her "Lock Every Door" and "Bunny" titles, every hair on her body stood up. Someone had been in her sacred place; without her knowledge or her permission. Even though she could immediately tell they didn't take anything, she still felt indescribably violated. For a long moment, she didn't move. Her breaths were slow and jagged. Logically, Courtney knew she had to go to the book, to see what it was and who may have left it. For the moment though, her body was frozen. It wasn't fear she felt, it was anger. If someone wanted to gift her a book, they could have left it in the mailbox or simply rang the doorbell. No one close to her would have dared to enter her book den, let alone add something to her shelf haphazardly. They all knew her better than that. Which left only one explanation, whoever had left this book was a stranger.

After a few long minutes she forced her body toward the out of place book. Courtney's mind raced with any logical explanation but came up short. She took a deep breath and grabbed the torn and ratty book from the shelf. The cover was old and dusty and completely blank. A chill ran through her arm and down her spine as she realized that whatever book this was, it was unlike any book she had ever held in her life. The rigidness from earlier began melting away as the book quickly became to feel very familiar to her. As if she had always known and missed this book. As if it was always meant to be with her.

Courtney immediately put it down and took a step back. She was a practical girl; she always had been. That's why books had always been so special to her; they allowed her to live without rules and restrictions. She could believe in magic, monsters, and happy endings. She didn't have to rationalize and dissect every single detail to make something make sense. She just accepted it. Here in this moment, her brain was reeling. Courtney could not think of one logical explanation for this mysterious book and the even more mysterious way she felt connected to it. And she refused to just accept it.

She decided to make herself a cup of tea to calm her nerves. Then she would sit and flip through this mystery book and figure out where it came from. After a few moments she sat down in the right chair and got herself comfortable. She gingerly picked up the book and took a deep breath. This time when she looked at the cover, she saw the words "Unchosen Paths" were etched into the front. Courtney felt immediately uneasy. She knew for a fact this cover was blank before. Tentatively she opened the cover to the first page and as if before her eyes words appeared "On each page a prompt will appear. Say aloud what comes to mind, hold it dear. Watch the magic unfold in front of you. Witness the what-ifs of all of the things you didn't do." The chill spread throughout her whole body now. For Courtney Overton, the words "what if" haunted her daily. She would give anything to finally have answers to some of those; even if it is more painful than not knowing.

Skeptically she flipped through the pages only to see the word "Prompt:" written in italics every 5 or 6 pages. Nothing after, nothing on any page near it.

"How curious..." Courtney found herself saying out loud.

The logical side of her was screaming at her to throw this book away and get the heck out of there. The book lover in her however, was chanting wildly. Take a risk. Take a risk.

So, she did.

******

Courtney took a breath and flipped until she found one of the "prompt" title pages. As soon as she flipped to the page, words began filling in to form a prompt. "Prompt: Think of a time in your past you were to blame. A choice in your life that makes you feel shame. Ask yourself aloud, What if I did ____ instead, watch the pages fill with what could have lay ahead." She took a large breath, fully aware of how insane this whole thing was. Part of her was convinced she used the wrong tea and was hallucinating, but she knew this to be false. So she closed her eyes and began thinking of the lake all of those years ago. Her biggest what if. She thought of the glistening lake, and her not wanting to get wet. Her little cousin Charlotte wanting to go to the water. She told her to stay where the water only goes up to her ankles. "Stay where I can see you!" she called after her. Charlotte's hair bobbing up and down and she shook her head yes without ever looking back. She thought of the sun, and how it hit the water in a way that blinded her. It took her a minute to realize she couldn't see Charlotte. Another 30 seconds to stand up and realize it wasn't the sun hiding her; she was gone. 45 more seconds for Courtney to reach the spot she had just seen her. 5 seconds to realize she was gone.

Tears flowed down her cheeks as the painful memories thrashed in her mind. In a choked voice she answered the prompt out loud; "What if I had gone to play with her in the water instead?"

Instantaneously the pages began to fill with with words and images. Courtney's breath caught at the image of Charlotte's bright blond pigtails dangling over her face as she asked her to go play with her in the water. She watched as this Courtney smiled and her little cousin and happily agreed to go play with her. "Courtney grabbed Charlotte's hand and walked with her down to the shallowest part of the water. They walked up to their ankles and stopped beginning to look for seashells, Charlotte's favorite thing to do at the beach. The small girl giggled and splashed around her cousin as she looked for shiny or brightly colored shells. Her eyes lit up as she spotted a bright blue something shimmering under the water near by. She carefully toddled over bending down as she reached her arm in to grab the beautiful treasure. Courtney looked up then, as a large wave began rolling toward Charlotte. Courtney let out a scream. "Charlotte!" she screamed helplessly." As Courtney read the words

"Running now Courtney threw herself toward her cousin trying to save her from completely getting sucked under. She grabbed her leg, pulling the young girl toward herself, just as another wave rose above them. Courtney couldn't even react before she felt the water rush over her, pulling her and Charlotte down under the water."

Courtney snapped the book shut panting heavily. Her face wet with tears she sat silently weeping. The years she had spent wondering "what if". All the time she wasted crying and blaming herself. If she would have gone with her, they would both be dead. Would that be better? Suddenly she had an urge to ask it, "what if I told her no and we left?" but that wouldn't be much of a story would it? She would have dragged her away kicking and screaming, but she would still be here. She would still be alive. However, she also knew Charlotte, the spit fire that she was; never would have taken no for an answer. She would have run straight away to the water the first chance she had. No matter what choice Courtney made that day, Charlotte would not be here. Of this she was now sure.

Something in her shifted at that moment. The weight of her grief for that horrible loss in her life suddenly felt much less heavy. She was now able to the think of Charlotte and just feel sadness for her loss; not guilt for her death. She suddenly had the strong urge to flip to a new page, to answer another burning "what if" that had been plaguing her for too long. So much of her life had been dictated by guilt and shame and suddenly she had a answer key to all of it.

Within a moment, as if by magic, a calm washed over her. A realization that there was no rush to take this information in. She would have the exact amount of time with this book that she needed. Because all at once she knew unmistakably, that no one broke into her special place. Her space was in fact not violated. No, on the contrary. Magic happened here.

This book; this second chance found her. It found her in her lowest moment; a moment she didn't even know she was lost in. It brought her hope Courtney didn't know she was missing. Closure she didn't know she was needing. And somehow in her heart, she knew that when she had been helped and healed, this special little book would find it way to the next lost soul.