Make it Count

“I always loved you.” I whisper falling onto my back in the pillowy snow all around me. I know he hears me, he sends a quick smile in my direction as acknowledgement before collapsing next to me.

“I know Jade, I know” He laughs and throws more snow onto my face.

I know he thinks I’m joking or that I mean it platonically but I’ve seen him as more than a friend for many years now and I just hope that someday he might see me in the same way.

It’s easy to get lost in my thoughts laying here next to him as the snow is falling all around us, snowflakes dancing in the air dusting everything they touch in a blanket of white. We first met when we were six years old. He moved in across the street but ended up spending more time at our house than his own. His family was pretty messed up, his father was never around, siblings gone or taken by the war and his mother constantly telling him that his family’s absence was his fault. We took him in willingly and he quickly became really close with my brother and I. Now Ryan and I are both eighteen and my brother Mark is nineteen. We live in a quiet town for the most part but in the past few years our city has suffered attacks from a group called The Fire Within. After this began happening my parents began training all of us how to fight and how to be a soldier in our own way. We had no idea if there would be conscriptions or how our government would fight back against the Fire Within. They started asking for volunteers to make a stand against this gang hoping it would be a one and done situation. That was five years ago. Our government is well respected and they haven’t forced anyone into the battle who didn’t want to fight. All of the people fighting signed up and were willing to protect their city. I knew as I got older there would be talk about me joining the efforts as well as Ryan and Mark and we all knew we should because we were some of the most skilled fighters but none of us wanted to leave our life behind.

My dad left to fight when I was sixteen, he sends letters when he can letting us know he is okay but the worry is always there especially when you look in my mothers eyes. Ryan and I have spent many nights discussing the war and what we should do. Mark joined these conversations occasionally, always offering advice and telling me I should stay home and look after mom. He meant it in a kind way but it stung nevertheless. He would’ve been the first to fight if he had not met Eliza and gotten married. There was another attack yesterday on the capital building making our entire country get involved. Now after we head inside from the cold I can hear Ryan and my mother talking in hushed voices behind the kitchen door but I can only hear scraps.

“ – you’re like my own son –”

“ – I have to do it, you don’t understand –”

“ – she’ll be beside herself if you leave it will crush her –”

That’s when I know. Ryan’s planning on leaving for the war. I burst in the room, tears already beginning to well in my eyes.

“Why? Why are you leaving Ryan? Don’t do this!” I’m trembling, I don’t want him to leave. He means so much to me, more than he’ll ever know.

“I have to Jade. I need to protect my country and my family. You and I are two of the best fighters out there, I need to use that to help instead of sitting here doing nothing” He says this trying to put on a brave face but I see through it, I can tell he’s scared.

“Then take me with you.” There is steel resolve in my face. I know he wouldn’t let me go with him but if I insist, he might stay with us. It’s a weak hope, even I know that.

“Absolutely not.” He responds “You need to stay, someone needs to stay with your mom Jade. She needs you and there’s no way I’m letting you fight in a war.”

My mom nods in agreement trying to paste a smile on her face but I see right through it. She loves Ryan like her own son and this is tearing her apart.

“I leave tomorrow” Ryan breaks the silence as quietly as he can but this draws a gasp from my mom and she turns away to cover her face. Ryan leaves me with her and goes to gather his things.

The next day he’s saying his goodbyes to all of us. All we can hope for is that he’s assigned with my father so that he’ll have somebody he knows with him. He receives gifts from all of us, small things he can keep with him while travelling. My mom gives him one of my father’s old knives to stash away in an emergency and I give him a simple chain necklace, one similar to matching ones we had as kids.

“To remind you of our childhood.” I whisper. I can’t look him in the eye, if I do I won’t be able to stop the tears trying to push their way out.

He starts walking to the door but stops and turns back. He looks right at me and at the moment I become afraid that I will never see him again. I run and hug him. He envelopes me and I realise how much taller than me he has become. As he lets go he whispers something in my ear that I will remember forever

“I love you Jade.” He turns and walks out the door before I can react. I smile for a moment but he’s gone.

I never thought he would leave.

I hope nothing bad happens to him.

I wonder if I’ll ever see him again.

I look at my mother and she seems to know what I’m thinking. I don’t want to say anything but I must. She beats me to it.

“Go daughter, I know you’ll never be happy staying here while your father and Ryan are out there. You have skills, don’t waste them. I have Mark and Eliza to look after me.” She’s crying now but I can tell she means it.

“Thank you Mom, I won’t forget this. You’ll be with me always. I love you.”

Maybe I will see him again.

***

As I was struggling on the ground, fighting to escape with everything I had left I saw shadows start to emerge from the mix of fog and smoke. I begin to realize how devastatingly outnumbered I am but remember the promise my mother made me give years ago during one of our training sessions “fight, fight with everything in you until you have nothing left, you are strong, you can win this if you believe.” These words offer me a sense of calm resolve as I face my future steadily marching toward me. If I go down today I will not go without a fight. I slowly start to slump down to my knees in my captors' hold making him think he has bested me. My plan works. He laughs and lets me slide onto the dusty ground. Before he can think twice, I reach into my boot and pull out the dagger I’ve had since I was a child. It flashes in the faint sunlight and I see fear strike into the eyes of the man in front of me as I stand ready to deliver my blow. As I am about to end this and face the doom in the smoke I hear something that makes me pause, the click of at least fifty handguns releasing their safety on command. I know I cannot fight them all with my singular knife. I stand frozen in shock not even thinking about why they haven’t begun firing yet. My captor, no longer fearful, shoves me brutally to my knees and begins tying my hands behind my back. And of course he takes my knife, my only weapon, my only chance, however small, of making it out of here alive, and tucks it into his belt. The smoke clears a little as this army approaches me. Their leader steps forward to address me, his coat is decorated with war badges and medals but I wonder how many of them he has actually earned.

“I ought to kill you now Señorita, for the trouble you have put me and my army through. Hunting you down has been a pain for us all.” As he says this I just think that if I buy myself enough time I might be able to live.

“Good to know I’m not easy to track.” I respond and get a kick in the gut for my trouble.

“Orders say we need to bring her back to the General alive.” One brave soldier pipes up from behind the captain.

“I’m not obliged to listen to those “orders” right now soldier”

I freeze realizing the true meaning of his words a second before he raises the gun at his side aiming right at me.

“Give me the gun” A voice booms over everyone in the valley. As the soldiers turn I catch a glimpse of the new arrival and want to cry tears of joy. This is my chance this is how I am going to survive this. Ryan comes out of the shadows to stand next to the captain and looks at me with his signature smirk plastered on his face. “Hand it over” his voice is rough, I have no idea what he’s been through the past few months that I haven’t seen him but I just know together we can make it out alive. His eyes are cold as he stares at the captain every inch of his body ready to strike if he needs to. The captain reluctantly hands it over and Ryan slowly turns it over in his hand as if not believing how easy that was.

“Ryan, hurry help me get out of this rope and get my knife from him” I say joy cascading over me in waves.

“Working on it Jade” he smirks at me casually and starts walking toward me but as he reaches me he stops and turns toward the captain. What he says next makes my blood run cold and every part of my body freeze in shock. “I want to end this myself.”

“Ryan no, what are you talking about? We’re on the same side! They’re your enemies not me, what are you doing!?” I yell, I’m confused and frantic which is not a good combination. I start struggling against my restraints once more while wondering what is going on. “Ryan, don’t do this please, remember everything we’ve been through together? Don’t throw it away for them!” He kneels down to my level knowing that I’m no match for him tied up without a weapon. He knows me too well.

“Everything we’ve been through? You were never there for me Jade, you were never there when it mattered most. You betrayed me so now I’m going to make you pay.”

Now as I look around I realize the fear from the soldiers and captain was all just an act, there is now just respect in their gaze as they watch our interaction. A dark truth settles over me, Ryan is the general, he is the one in charge of this whole machine. That’s how they have always seemed to be one step ahead of us and know exactly where to strike that would hurt the most.

“I BETRAYED YOU?? HOW? TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU CALL BETRAYAL BECAUSE NOW YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME AND MY FAMILY WHO TOOK YOU IN WHEN YOU HAD NOTHING!!” I’m screaming at him now, tears running down my face wondering what went wrong and when he became like this.

“Enough, Jade. I’m ending this.” His voice is ice running through my veins, eyes like stone. He doesn’t care anymore, maybe he never did. The sun glints off the chain I gave him before he left. I can’t believe he has the audacity to wear that now. He slowly releases the safety on his new gun from the captain and places the cold barrel against the side of my head. “Any last words Jade? Better make them count.” His dark laugh sends shivers throughout me.

I know whatever I choose I have to make it count, I need him to feel some kind of guilt or remorse after he pulls the trigger. I know there is nothing I can do to stop him now but I only hope that he’s prepared to live with this for the rest of his life, from this moment forward. As my head clears, one thought surfaces, one I know will cut deep. He’s making motions to the captain now, plans for what they will do after I’ve died, after they’ve killed me. I clear my throat.

“Friedman.” It’s his last name. Only my family knows it, I used to call him by it when we were little. He turns slowly, I know me using this name at this moment has angered him but I’m ready.

“Yes, Jade? Come up with some message to send out to your allies? One last, desperate cry?” His voice is sickly sweet and makes me want to gag.

“No Ryan, only a message for you.” I respond slowly, lifting my gaze to meet his. He narrows his eyes, waiting. He begins to pull the trigger getting sick of waiting but right before the bullet lands, and my world goes black the words escape me in a whisper.

“I always loved you.”