Something Blue

I stood at the empty farmhouse sink, staring through the window towards the storybook fields across the street, but all I saw was the clumped spider webs between the window and the screen, grayed and thick with dust.

The screen door springs screeched as they elongated, then slapped the wooden frame closed. Footsteps padded towards the bedroom behind me.

“Tara, you okay?” Kaden’s tentative, but always self-assured, voice explored the mood.

“You ever realize that every time someone asks you that, you just spend a moment redefining what it means to be okay?” My fingers spinning the ring on my finger.

“Right, moody.” Kaden’s 20-nothing year-old energy plopped down unabashedly on the blue floral print high-backed chair.

“Kaden, life is full of highs and lows, and contemplation when you grow up. Not everyone can live rent-free, unburdened in grandma’s old house.” I’ve said variations of the same thing to her for years.

I glanced to the pages lying to the left of the sink that waited patiently for a signature.

Kaden had always lived life lighthearted and unbound by the self-prescribed weight of responsibility that steered my ship. For every plan I carefully mapped out for my life to make sure I landed on my feet, she would run blind and jump off the cliff… and land gracefully on hers. It infuriated me, or maybe I was jealous.

Her life was full of joy and living in the moment, concerts and “yes, let’s do it” responses. Mine was full of promotions, mandatory fun professional dinners to wine and dine the next rich client that would fund my comfortable six-figure, city girl income. I had the perfect on-paper husband, and she had adventure and experiences.

There was a time that I thought it was just the age difference. That she would grow up eventually. At the end of the day, we were different, but also each other’s balance.

When I still lived in this sleepy town, she would shake me awake in the middle of the night to sneak out. We avoided the alarm bells of that front screen door by climbing out her window, onto the verandah, hanging off the roof until our feet found the handrail. The youth of our town stirred in the middle of the night, meeting up in fields and back roads to sit on the tailgates of handsome young farm boys with perfectly tanned skin.

One of those nights, I protested, worried about getting caught, being imperfect. She leaned in so close the dark of midnight couldn’t hide the light blue of her eyes and she threatened to destroy my cunningly curated essay for my English summer credits. She meant business in her own wild spirit way.

It was that night I met Jason. He was in his third year of law school. Dean’s List and all. He was visiting his cousin, Trent. Charming and articulate, everything I imagined I wanted. We talked about our dreams, the achievements we want for ourselves, and where we saw our lives going. Our individual futures fitting perfectly together like the fingers he interlaced in mine partway through the night. The smell of him stitched into the fabric of the jacket he had wrapped me in when I got cold. We talked and cuddled the night away, while Kaden and Trent skinny dipped and laughed in the pond at the bottom of the hill. It was the first time in my life that worries didn’t saturate my mind.

When the sun rose, and steam floated up from the glass surface of the pond, I knew Grandpa would already be up. Jason was all things honorable. He drove us back to the house and confidently, but respectfully, shook my grandfather’s hand as he apologized that Kaden and I weren’t in our beds, where Grandpa thought we were. Explaining that he wasn’t going to make another misstep by not bringing us home safe and sound.

It took years of Jason leaning into every uncomfortable opportunity to earn Grandpa’s trust. Years of bringing me home safe, years of helping Grandpa with chores while I studied, years of showing up and being that charming, articulate man who I met that night.

I was glad Grandpa was gone now. His heart would be shattered too.

Kaden lounged on that blue floral chair on my wedding day. While she was always authentically her, she seemed to know that on this day I needed the mature version of her wild spirit. She had made sure that everything ran smoothly. Intervening when the florist began raging while decorating the arbor. Then she kicked everyone out 15 minutes before the ceremony. She knew I needed quiet and calm. My hands braced against the cold of the sink, her footsteps echoed toward Grandma’s bedroom, emerging minutes later with a small black, velvet-covered box.

“Tara, you okay?” Kaden spoke softly, but always self-assured

“You ever realize that every time someone asks you that, you just spend a moment redefining what it means to be okay?” My fingers spinning the bracelet on my wrist.

“I know you're nervous. You are trusting someone with your life, your heart. To share your heart with someone is to give them the doorway to hurt you. You aren’t one to ever surrender control, but Jason is good. He loves you, and dreams like you. He makes you feel safe. He sees your greatness and your huge heart underneath those layers of diligent responsibility. I know that if there is ever a day that things are bad, he will interlace his fingers in yours and give you the strength to keep going.”

It was the most settled thing I had ever heard her say, even if she was young and wild and had never had a long-term relationship in her life. She meant it.

Her sun-kissed hand with the black velvet box lifted out in front of her. “And if there is ever a day that you need more strength, you’ll have this.” She popped it open to reveal two matching sterling silver bands with a small blue topaz stone that matched our eyes. “I know today is all about the amazing ring that Jason picked out. But I hoped you might wear one of these on your right hand. You need something blue anyway, right? He’ll always be on your left, but I was here first. I loved you first; we shared our hearts first. No matter what vast city you move to, no matter how big and unstoppable you become, you will always be my sister, and I will always be with you.”

Kaden slid something blue onto my right ring finger. A perfect fit. I grabbed her right hand as we erupted in laughter and single tears hung at the edge of our eyes. “And with this ring I thee wed,” she giggled out in her best Grandpa voice as I slipped her ring on.

The warmth of memories rippled away as footsteps shuffled out from Grandma’s bedroom, and warm, soft fingers gently wrapped around my forearm. “Hey baby girl.” Grandma’s sweet voice wrapped around my breaking heart. “What are these?” Her wrinkled finger landed on the corner of the pages.

“The finalized documents from the funeral home. I just have to sign them and drop them off.” My finger working the ring on my right hand in circles. 

“Thank you for taking care of all of the arrangements. I wish I was more help.” She began walking towards her blue floral chair.

The thud of a car door rang out as I turned to follow her. Jason’s footpath along the gravel crunched up to the front stairs. His broad shoulders eclipsed the late morning sun behind him. I was in his arms before the screen door had time to slam.

“I love you.” his words gave me enough strength to regain my footing.

“Were you able to stop at the hospital? I just don’t think I can go back there right now.” The honesty crept out of me.

He reached his fingers to his pinky, gliding the sterling silver twin ring from his finger to my hand. “The nurses kept it safe.”

A million memories lived in that blue and silver ring, but more than that, the unstoppable force of my sister lived there. A source of strength, joy, and a wild, unabandoned spirit. I seated it on my right ring finger. Always with me, always together.

Jason’s hand found mine, and he interlaced his fingers, fortifying my soul to withstand the days ahead. The days without Kaden.