Forever, Lisa

Navina wasn't a reader, correction, she wasn't an avid reader. She stuck mostly to podcasts and the occasional audiobooks; music was more of her thing. No, she didn't write music or god forbid play an instrument. But she could listen to music and write everyday. It’s something she learned from her mom. Maybe it was a coping mechanism for the shit they never spoke about and the emotions they bottled up. It wasn't anyone's business but Navina’s. That's all she cared about.

But then her mom died.

Surprisingly there's a lot of reading in dealing with the dead. She didn't know half of it, yet still signed all the documents needed. Then the will, Madrid got moms jewelry and purses, Otto got money for school and moms work equipment. Dad got virtually everything else by default.Then Navina got the car. The older car no one touched unless necessary. The car, well it had its good and bad days. Which was fine to Navina, it's not like she needed another car. The only bonus was that it smelled like mom and had her stuff in it. Sure she loved her mom and yes some tears were shed but Navina never truly felt connected to her.

The funeral came and went, as well as the hospital papers, Navina worked through them all. And when Madrid, her sister, told her to take a moment and to disappear, Navina didn't say no. She was in that car for hours; ate fast food in the car, slept a while and drove until the bright sun went from stinging her eyes to becoming the beauty of a sunset.

Her mom always loved sunsets. What a clique.

She parked in the mountains somewhere. Not too high but not too low. Just enough that she could see the city below with trees on either side of her. The quiet was almost unsettling, only the sound of the old engine and the wind squeaking through the cracked open window. The car smelled dirty, musty, and old but under all that; it still smelled like her mom. One inhale, the city below looked like computer code. One exhale, she pulled her hands off the steering wheel after feeling the sweat collecting under it. It's okay to cry, she knew that. Navina wanted to cry or scream or quite literally anything.

But she felt no tears stream down her face. Her hands fell to her lap as her head hit the seat. Navina took the keys out the ignition and let her phone play music. She heard once that sad music makes you cry. Turns out, it's true. When the moment came and passed the depressive mood felt almost embarrassing. "For the love of god,” she said in a sniffle as she grabbed a fast food napkin from the passenger seat. An irritated sigh came out as she dropped her purse off the seat. She leaned over the middle to pick up the dumped objects. Only to find something hiding under the seat. And for some peculiar reason her heart held itself.

As if it knew something she did not yet.

Navina got out of the car and walked over to open the passenger side. Her mess of items cluttered the floorboards but when she reached her hand under the seat she felt a simple leather hardcover journal. It wasn't unusual, her mom often used journals for work or noting recipes down. Yet her racing heart was telling her otherwise and maybe she should have taken that warning.

September 23, 2004

It's Lisa. Otto just started junior high, Madrid moved out. Vina though, I can’t tell if she’s figured it out. Maybe all my lies have finally caught up to-

The sound of the book slapping shut echoed in the trees around her. It was a diary, her mom had a diary with secrets inside of it. “Fuck.” Navina kept the book in her hands as she felt her heart beat drum in her chest. This was all normal, she tried to convince herself. Finding an old diary of her dead mom hidden in the car isn’t a big deal. Of course it wouldn’t be a big deal if her mom wasn’t so weird. Navina never asked because her mom always used to shut her down but somethings, they were just off about her mom.

She stared out into the trees then at the picnic bench. The concrete was cold and rough against her thighs as she sat on it. The moon was enough to light up the pages, enough to keep the words she didn’t want to read hidden.

November 3, 2004

It’s Lisa. I think I have to stop meeting up with him, Bill is starting to figure it out. And for the sake of our kids, having a little fun isn’t an option anymore. I managed to pull Navina’s questions and curiosity off me but now she won’t talk to me. What a brat, she reminds me of myself. She never could keep her mouth shut, that’s probably why Bill’s suspicions now. Jokes on him though, none of the kids are his.

Forever, Lisa

She felt the weight of the pages on her cold hands, the fact that there were still so many entries after this made her almost sick to her stomach. Navina pushed the open diary across the picnic table and let the pages move in the wind. She didn't care to read more, but she would give anything to talk to her mother once more. Just to tell her what a monster she was.

The dirt and gravel shifted under her shoes as she walked back into her car and sat in it before turning the engine back on. The smell of her moms scent in her car wasn’t nostalgic anymore, it was repulsive. The driving helped, not in a way that would fix everything but in a way that she needed to form a plan to tell her family. Because her mom was right, Navina doesn’t know how to shut her mouth.

She understood the emotions her dad would feel. She loved him, the relationship wasn’t the easiest to bear with but she still showed more love to him than she ever did to her mother. The truth would eventually come crawling back to her family, the leather hardback was just the neatest way. Her siblings didn’t need to be involved, not yet at least. She hadn’t gotten to that part of the plan yet though and wouldn’t for a while.

Navina dropped off the diary with her dad, she didn’t like reading. She watched him break down and she let him hold her as he cried. She envisioned her mothers car being crushed and compressed into scrapes at the junkyard. Lisa deserved nothing more than to be thrown away like scrapes, not a dramatic goodbye but one mundane and boring. Not yet though, not when she had all these questions and pain. Not when she felt her dads tears seep into her shirt. Her mother deserved an ending she would hate, just as much as she hated Navina.