Petunias

From: Casey Richards <caseymrichards@gmail.com

To: Liz Murphy <lizzybell60@gmail.com>

Date: July 27, 2025 6:43 AM

Subject: Thinking of Kevin

Good Morning Liz,

I’m sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Life has been busy with the move and keeping up with the boys. But I think of you often and I hope you are well. I wanted to let you know that he visited my dreams again last night. We were at a carnival on a ferris-wheel. He looked good. He was wearing his black pea-coat, a beige sweater, and a smile. His hair was gelled up like he used to wear it, and he looked pretty formal for a carnival ride, but that’s what dreams do I guess, put them in familiar clothes in unfamiliar places. We talked for awhile, I can’t recall what about, but what I do remember is he told me to “lay petunias on grandpa’s grave”. Do you have any idea what that could mean? If anything comes to you, please let me know.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and check in and let you know he said hello.

Take care,

Casey

From: Liz Murphy <lizzybell60@gmail.com>

To: Casey Richards <caseymrichards@gmail.com

Date: July 29, 2025 10:03PM

Subject: Re: Thinking of Kevin

Hi Casey,

Thank you for reaching out. I always worry that no one remembers or thinks of my sweet boy, so it’s wonderful to hear that someone does. Especially you.

No, I don’t know what “petunias on grandpa’s grave” could have meant. Perhaps you don’t know since you did not come to his funeral after several requests were made, but he is buried next to his grandfather. Maybe he wants you to finally visit.

I don’t know anything about the specificity of the flowers. Since I could not recollect a meaning, I researched the language of flowers, and the Internet said they could mean anger or resentment, or the want to be around someone whose presence is soothing. Another site stated that it represented “complex feelings”. Quite complicated and contradictory if you ask me. I don’t know what Kevin could be referencing by mentioning such a specific flower. Do you, now that you know the meaning?

Please stay in touch with me, darling. It is always such a pleasure to talk to someone who knew and loved Kevin so well. You know his heart is always with you.

Liz

July 30 1:05am

Diary,

Can you believe this shit?! If his mother only knew what hell her son put me through she would know exactly what the petunia’s meaning refers to. Agh! I should have looked up the meaning before writing to her. Do I tell her? I don’t want to tarnish the perfect image she has of her son, but what the hell. Why do I do this to myself still? What is the point? And why won’t he just leave me alone already? I’m sick and tired of his ghost lingering around me. I don’t want it anymore. I want it gone. I want HIM gone. Why do I still feel responsible for this, for him? This is not my fault. He is not my responsibility. Yet there he is, everywhere. I’ve told him to go. I’ve burned sage in the house. I’ve sprinkled Holy Water in every room. Why do I still wake up in the middle of the night and see his silhouette by the door? Maybe I just need to go back to the eye doctor and get a stronger prescription. Perhaps this is all in my head. I mean it must be. It can’t possibly really be him in my bedroom in the middle of the night. And these dreams, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not really him trying to visit me from beyond the grave begging me to come see him. Maybe I just had too much chocolate ice cream before bed the other night and it affected my sleep. That must be it. Ok, no more late night snacking, Casey. Get it together girl. No more wasting time on him. I need to move on and free up my sanity so I can focus on being a mother, a wife, someone who has a job and responsibilities. You are not that girl anymore!

Of course now I feel like I have to respond back to her. What is there to say? Oh actually Liz, your son was always resentful and angry with me. Jealous. Mean. Abusive. But that’s great he told you still loves me and always will before he died. So glad to hear the man who tried to choke me to death and throw me down the stairs thinks we should have been the ones to marry and have children and I should’ve chosen him instead of the man who actually knows how to properly love another human being.

Ugh. I’m exhausted. I can't keep reliving this nightmare.

Goodnight, Casey

From: Casey Richards <caseymrichards@gmail.com

To: Liz Murphy <lizzybell60@gmail.com>

Date: July 30, 2025 1:22 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Thinking of Kevin

Liz,

I hadn’t thought to look up the language of flowers. Interesting how they all have different meanings. I'm sorry again for not making it to the funeral. I’m sure it was a lovely service. And of course I will always remember him. He was my college sweetheart after all.

Let me know if you ever need anything, and I’ll let you know if he visits again.

Take care,

Casey

From: Casey Richards <caseymrichards@gmail.com>

To: Mike DiCarlo <firefightermiked@gmail.com>

Date: July 30, 2025 2:05 AM

Subject: Casey from College - Hi!

Mike,

Hi! It’s Casey from college. Do you remember me? I attached a picture in case you forgot, but I would definitely be insulted if you don’t know who I am haha First off, this is not a romantic email. I’m happily married and have two young boys. And I hope that you are happy in whatever situation you are in, too. I don’t even know if this message will get to you. I’m going out on a limb here that this is your actual email. And if you’re not the Mike I knew in college, please disregard this message from the crazy girl.

But if this is you, how are you?! I hope you’re well. I know this is super random but I need some help. This might sound nuts, actually I know it’s nuts, but I have been literally haunted by Kevin since he passed away. Did you know he passed away a few years ago? I don’t know if you still kept in touch over the years. His mother called to let me know when it happened. It was quite a shock since I haven’t seen him since we broke up in 2004. How time flies. How did we get so old? Anyway, she called to tell me that his dying wish was for her to let me know he still loved me and always had. Which would be lovely if things weren’t hell between us back in the day. Which brings me to the reason I’m writing this email 20+ years later. What the hell happened? Who told Kevin that we had a fling? How did he find out all those months later? Did you guys know what that did to him? And what he did to me? Please, I’m just trying to understand from a different perspective. I’ve only had my side of the story all these years, and I’m hoping to round out the picture. What can you tell me, if anything at all? I need to understand so I can finally let this rest. And I wouldn’t be coming to you if I wasn’t feeling desperate, obviously. Because this is just crazy. But if you can help me, please do. I’d really appreciate it. I’m hoping if I get some perspective on the situation, he can finally rest and let me go. Or I can let him go. I’m not actually sure which is the problem. Probably both.

Thanks, Mike. Thank you for listening to me. I really do hope you are happy and healthy and living an amazing life. Are you still in touch with Frank? Remember when he used to pass out in the common area and sleep with his eyes open. What crazy times! Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon.

Casey.

From: Mike DiCarlo <firefightermiked@gmail.com>

Casey Richards <caseymrichards@gmail.com>

To: Casey Richards <caseymrichards@gmail.com>

Date: August 5, 2025 10:42 AM

Subject: Re: Casey from College - Hi!

Casey,

I remember you, cute picture though. And this is me, this is my email, so good detective work on your part. I’m curious what else popped up about me in your search 🙂

I did not hear about Kevin’s passing. I haven’t heard from him since college. Funny how you remember Frank sleeping with his eyes open haha Those were the days!

I honestly don’t remember much about what happened with Kevin. Once you two got together you both stopped hanging out or really talking to any of us. We were all just young and partying and doing our own thing. I didn’t think much about anyone but myself at the time. I do remember that Kevin always seemed kind of jealous of our relationship, whatever he thought it was. Maybe he could just tell there was something between us. I don’t remember anyone ever telling him. You two didn’t get together until after we were over anyway, so I’m not sure why it would have mattered. But like I said, he was an insecure and jealous guy.

I don’t know what happened to him or to you but it definitely doesn’t sound good. Especially if you’re still upset about it after all this time. If anyone had known he wasn’t treating you right, trust me that we would have put a stop to it. I’m so sorry for whatever he put you through, but you can bet that we had no idea. It sounds like you’re happy now though, married and with children. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, try to let it go. You deserve to be free of that kind of bullshit, especially from Kevin, that asshole.

I don’t regret what we had either. I honestly don’t remember much of it, too much partying and being dumb at the time, but I remember I did like you and spending time with you. I’m sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you. I was dumb. I actually ended up dropping out junior year. All that partying caught up to me. I’m in the Fire Department now, and I travel a lot. Life is good. I still keep in touch with some of the guys, I'll tell them you said hi.

You were always such a nice girl and fun to be around, and I’m sure you still are, so don’t let stupid Kevin bother you anymore. He isn’t worth it. Just focus on you and your family and I think you’ll be okay. Actually I know you will be.

Don’t be a stranger and let me know if you need help with anything else. I’m here for you, Case.

Your friend,

Mike

August 5 11:30pm

Diary,

After a few glasses of wine the other night, I online stalked Mike and sent him a rambling email. I barely remember sending it, so that’s pretty embarrassing. To my pleasant surprise, he wrote me back…and he apologized. A real, heartfelt apology. An apology I did not know I needed until I read the words. I didn’t know I was holding onto some sort of shared responsibility with him. It was our “affair” that pushed Kevin off the edge. Kevin had always been jealous and overbearing, but once I confessed the truth about me and Mike’s past, that’s when he decided to try to kill me. And no one knew. I believe Mike when he says no one knew. They couldn’t have, I was too afraid to confide in anyone. Either way, after reading his email, somehow, I feel lighter. Somehow, I can breathe. Maybe it’s because finally he knows I wasn’t okay, and I know he would have protected me. That I was worth protecting at the time. I always thought I deserved Kevin’s wrath of anger. Getting older and gaining perspective I know I really didn’t of course, but still. Hearing it from Mike, someone who was there at the time, someone who was friends with Kevin, and knew both of us at that phase of our lives, hearing an acceptance of responsibility and an apology from him seemed to do more for my soul than I ever could have imagined. And trust me I did not expect an apology. I wrote that email looking for answers. I didn’t even think he’d respond, and I especially didn’t expect such kind words to be delivered back. I believe it is the unexpected kindness in the world that can do the most good. When people go out of their way to help another, it makes a difference, and means all that much more.

So if a long lost friend can believe that girl from college will be okay, then maybe she will be.

Maybe she was all along.

Goodnight, Casey

To Kevin,

Goodbye.

No longer yours,

Casey