Remembering

CW: Physical violence, abuse, mental health

Her legs stung, as if being cut with small knives, each time the edge of a wave met the shore. Buried in the sand on one side and bathed mercilessly by the sun on the other, Leah had no idea how she got here. She was sure, though, that this was better than where she’d come from.

A mixture of salt and sand made it impossible to keep her eyes open. Through brief, blurry moments of visibility she could make out only sea and sky. With seemingly just enough energy to either move or remember, she lifted herself off of the sand. Remembering would have to come later. Surprised by her portion of strength she rose to sitting. The sting of her legs intensified followed by that of her arms and back. There were tiny cuts everywhere.

She wiped her hands on her tattered, damp night gown, the only thing covering her body. Clearing the grainy film from her eyes revealed a magnificent scene. Beautiful waters mirrored the endless blue above. Palm trees swayed gently as orange and yellow fruit danced amongst their leaves. Resting on a bed of pure white sand, Leah was overwhelmed with both confusion and, somehow, peace. The contrast of the calm of this foreign place and the chaos with which she’d become familiar was striking. She gathered her thoughts and took inventory of her body. Small, prickly cuts all over but, otherwise, in tact. She was fatigued but feeling, somehow, stronger with every breath. This strength was a relief because, as beautiful as this place was, who knew what dangers laid ahead.

She’d always felt alone but actually being alone was unfamiliar. She had no trouble standing and making her way toward the hut at the edge of the beach. Hopefully, someone there could help make sense of this. Standing at the door, the building was much larger than it’d appeared. She raised her hand to knock but noticed that the door was slightly cracked. She pushed it open and peeked inside.

“Hello?”. No answer.

A plain white shirt and pair of pants were folded neatly on a bench with underwear right beside it. There was a pitcher filled with water and a cup sitting on a table with one chair. Next to that was a basket filled with fruit and bread. There was a small room with a toilet and shower and another with a neatly made bed. Leah pulled the chair back from the table and sat down. Beads of sweat clung to the pitcher of water. It was cold. She waved her hand over the bread. Warm. Surely someone would return soon.

After about and hour of waiting, her hips started to ache in the wooden chair. The sun was approaching the sill of the window. Leah thought it best to go out and find someone before dark. She followed a trail through a forest of vibrant flowers and trees. It opened to a grassy field leading to a rushing river. There was no one in sight. The sky was now dominated by hues of red and purple. Leah turned back. Hopefully, whoever owned the hut would allow her to stay the night.

When she got there the door was open just as she’d left it. She stepped inside and no one was there. Her growling stomach led her back to the table. She took a bite of the still warm bread and finished it quickly, not realizing how hungry she’d been. A breeze crept through the window, reminding her of her ragged gown. The clothes on the bench were, somehow, just her size. Leah winced in anticipation as she prepared to slide the cloth pants over her legs. Painless. The wounds on her arms and legs were gone too. It didn’t make sense but she was grateful. The hut was surrounded by a dim glow that wasn’t quite darkness. There were still no signs of life. Leah wasn’t sure if she was safe but she decided to try do something she hadn’t in a while, rest.

The bed was surprisingly comfortable and there was something nostalgic about the crisp scent of the sheets. She knew she wouldn’t sleep and now, strong and pain free, the only thing her mind would allow her to do was remember.

It was easiest to start from the beginning. There was love but never true peace. Her home wasn’t safe at first. Safety came with the consequence of a gaping hole into which she always felt she was endlessly falling. Everyone watched and asked why she couldn’t grow wings, fly out and save herself. Eventually the feeling of falling started to feel normal and, kind of, like flying. Of course it wasn’t. Eventually she landed.

Leah didn’t want to remember anymore. As hard as the beginning had been, the rest was even worse. And who knew what terrible things led to her arrival here. She was too tired to endure the pain. She longed for rest. Her mind consented and allowed her to drift off to sleep.

The sun seemed a little early for its ascent above the horizon. The dim bluish-green glow gave way to pinks, then oranges then, full daylight. After what seemed like just a few hours of sleep Leah felt surprisingly refreshed. She was somewhat startled to find clean clothes identical to the ones she was wearing folded on the bench in the outer room and a pitcher of cold water and a basket of warm bread and fresh fruit on the table. She hadn’t heard anyone come in over night. None-the-less she sat down to eat. The bread and fruit were surprisingly fulfilling. This was all so confusing and slightly terrifying. She knew she was awake so this wasn’t a dream. Perhaps it was some cruel joke. Had someone brought her here as a part of some evil plan? Had she been hurt and abandoned here? Neither of those ideas quite made sense given the events so far. She knew she’d have to do more remembering but decided that finding help was more prudent. She returned to the trail, noticing things she hadn’t the day before. Colorful birds soared through the sky. Lush gardens with vegetables she didn’t recognize grew on each side of the path. Someone was clearly tending to this land. Gazelles grazed the grassy field seeming not to notice as she crossed. The river was more calm today allowing assorted fish to swim easily about. Again, even in the midst of such uncertainty she was overwhelmed by a calm she’d never felt before. Quickly, though, fear crept in. Was she stuck here forever? Where was her family? Were her kids ok? She couldn’t bear that thought. The toggling between serenity and anxiety knocked her off balance and the gravity of remembering weighed her body to the ground. As she sat by the river cloudy memories of the places she’d gone to seek safety and settled for, although they weren’t safe at all, filled the forefront of her mind. She recalled the cacophony of chaos that had been her soundtrack but that no one else seemed to hear, or just chose to ignore. Each single event seemed so minute that she couldn’t recollect the individual events at all. They were nothing to complain about, lessons to learn from, hardships that came with the territory. She was convinced that they were mostly her fault anyway. Images of the vague bruises, blemishes and stains kept coming until they merged into the confluence of darkness she recognized as her former world. The only light was from tiny fires that burned throughout. That seemed to be enough to illuminate the path forward until the sickness came. There was the first one, but she kept going. She remembered sounding the alarms and asking for help. People came, but only into the light places and, eventually, those were too hot. The memories became more clear. She recalled the second sickness and the third, then the pain of those she loved slowly pulling away. Then she remembered the light. It came out of nowhere. After years of loneliness she was suddenly surrounded. They said they loved her. They cried. Her next memory was in this place, laying at the seashore in tattered clothes and with little cuts everywhere. It didn’t make sense. She felt the pain of remembering somewhere deep in her chest. She rose to her feet and meandered along the river. Was this place just another illusion of safety and calm that would end in agony? The feeling in her chest rose and formed a knot in her throat. The roar of rushing water interrupted the flood of emotion. She followed it and found herself at the top of the tallest waterfall she’d ever seen. A rainbow stretched through the stray sprays of waters. Beyond the waterfall was a masterpiece of forest, mountain and sky. She stood in awe. Gently, a man approached from seemingly nowhere. She had never seen him before but it felt like she’d known him forever. He stretched his hand out toward her.

“You’re safe”. He said, soft and bold.

With her hand in his, she knew it was true and that it would be forever.