What would you call it?

Dear Heavenly Father

Do you think I’m a fool?, like how most people say that I am. They call me stupid and gullible and yet my grades prove that I’m neither those things. I remember sharing about that kid in primary school that used to touch me up my skirt. The times he would compliment my panties if I happened to get a new pair, I didn’t know it was wrong then and I never told anyone about it so no one knew of it. Thought it was normal to be honest, I was 9 then and the lesson on abuse came only when I was 13 and I had switched schools.

People tell me I should have reported him so he would get proper punishment for being indecent, I beg to differ though. I regret not reporting him not because I wanted him punished but because I would have wanted him to get help. We were both the same age at the time, what he did wasn’t even normal for his age also and it turns out things weren’t normal at home for him, he came from a broken home so instead of hatred for his actions towards me I felt sorry for him. So because I had not reported the issue I prayed for him to be okay were ever he was.

Or that other time when I was 10, the day I lost most of my confidence and started disliking maths. That’s still an embarrassing day for me and yet I hold no grudge nor animosity towards the teacher. Though she was treacherous and mean, and I admit what she did was not necessary and no child deserves to go through that.

See, my household was going through some financial crisis so things bought like uniforms and clothing would be bought bigger in size so you would grow into them. I remember I used to tie my underpants so that they would fit on my waist. On that specific day they were in the habit of getting loose but I made sure to adjust them, the teacher saw me I guess adjusting them now and then, I thought I was being discreet, I wonder why she didn’t pull me to the side and try to help me or at least understand what was happening. Instead she called me upfront to solve an equation on the board. I stood at the board with one hand on my waist to stop the underpants from falling to the ground. She decided to scold me in front of the entire class for having falling underwear, she had seen me through the day adjusting it and decided to teach me a lesson in front of my classmates. Confidence left me on that day. And that wasn’t the only time she was horrible but each time I found that I forgave her. I wonder what is wrong with me in letting things go just like that.

I’ve never understood the whole concept of “hurt people hurt people”, like if you were hurt why would you want someone else to feel that same pain, it doesn’t make sense. Its not like hurting someone else will stop you from getting hurt in the first place. And why would I want anyone else to suffer the same pain I felt, that would be selfish and quite evil.

How am I able to see past wrongs and hurt. You know how teenagers are mean, and how they like to bully each other based on looks and such. I wasn’t much of a looker and I can say I got my fair share of insults. It wasn’t like the bullies had no defects of their own. I remember I had good insults swelling up in my mind, ones that would make them cry but they just wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I always felt bad if I did so and I would wonder how they would feel if I said something mean back. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings although they would hurt mine, but I got over it soon I guess. The insults didn’t have a long lasting effect on me. I knew they were saying such to make up for their own shortfalls and that made me sad for them so I would try to be the nicer one. I would highlight on their strengths and good qualities , offering compliments instead, they called me a fool for doing so. But it made me feel good doing so, it made me happy.

I started suspecting that there’s something wrong with me when I met this guy. I’m 25 now and you know feelings start showing up for intimacy and such. He seemed nice and he would compliment me on my dressing and hair and such. I remember we would go to church together and basically do a lot of things together. I liked cooking for him because it would show how much felt for him. That warm fuzzy feeling inside. We had planned everything out from number of babies we would have to what business we would both venture into. Boy was I in for a rude awakening, he wasn’t only lying to me about the fuzzy feeling he had towards me but also the fact that I was his side piece. I wanted to hate him for it but I couldn’t. I left him of course and I thought of hurting him back in many various ways but I couldn’t. I rationed that if I truly liked him like how i said i did and told him that I did then I shouldn’t change that fact just because he didn’t feel the same.

Does that make sense? To me it does to others not so much. Sure he lied and cheated me for a while but what I felt for him wasn’t a lie and it wasn’t based on his reciprocation although I would have treasured it if was. Did it hurt? Yes, yes it did but again I’m proud I didn’t hurt him back like what I was advised. I even pray for him to stop lying that much and to treat his woman right, I know I sound crazy, its foolishness at best. So I ask what is wrong with me, why do I see light in the dark? Why do I choose to be compassionate to those who don’t deserve it. My friends call me meek and stupid, I don’t have a backbone they say and that I’m forgiving where I’m not supposed to. I draw boundaries of course because I know I cannot change people but that won’t stop me from praying for them no matter their bad deeds towards me. So what would you diagnose me with?

What would you call what I have?

Yours faithfully

Rudo