From: building.management@hawthorneapts.com

To: all.residents@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 8:15 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Re: URGENT - About Your "Emergency"

Dear Residents,

We are aware of the "situation" in the lobby. Pest control has been notified. Please use the side entrance until further notice.

Additionally, whoever left 47 watermelons in the freight elevator over the weekend, please remove them immediately. The elevator now smells like a farmer's market having an existential crisis.

Reminder: The freight elevator has a 2,000-pound weight limit. Forty-seven watermelons exceed this limit. Yes, someone counted. Yes, it was me. No, I'm not happy about it.

Carter Sloane, Building Manager

From: demi.hirahara.apt4b@email.com

To: carter.sloane@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 8:32 AM

Subject: Not My Watermelons!!!

Carter,

Those are NOT my watermelons. Yes, I know about last month's pineapple incident, but I've reformed. I'm in therapy now (fruit-related anxiety is real). Dr. Steinberg says I'm making "remarkable progress" and my tendency to bulk-order tropical fruit is "completely under control."

However, I MAY know whose they are. Have you checked with 6A? He's been acting suspicious lately. Yesterday I saw him carrying what looked like a sledgehammer. Who needs a sledgehammer in Manhattan? Also, he was wearing a rainbow wig and muttering about "comedy gold."

Also, what "situation" in the lobby? Is it the bees again? Please don't say it's the bees. I'm allergic.

Demi

P.S. - The pineapples were for a legitimate smoothie business venture that didn't work out. Let it go.

From: jake.torrential.6a@email.com

To: demi.hirahara.apt4b@email.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 9:14 AM

Subject: I CAN EXPLAIN

Demi,

First of all, stop CCing the entire building on your conspiracy theories. We still haven't recovered from your "Ghost in the Garbage Chute" newsletter.

Second, it wasn't a sledgehammer. It was a REGULAR hammer. For my Gallagher tribute act. Hence the watermelons. The comedy club said I needed to "workshop my material in a safe space" before Friday's open mic. Our apartment building is the opposite of a safe space, but the watermelons were already delivered here by mistake.

Third, how did you even see me? Your apartment faces the other direction. Have you been using Mrs. Koplitz's periscope again? That's a violation of the Geneva Convention or something.

Jake

P.S. - What bees?

P.P.S. - The rainbow wig is called "showmanship." Look it up.

From: estelle.koplitz.2c@aol.com

To: jake.torrential.6a@email.com; demi.hirahara.apt4b@email.com

CC: all.residents@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 10:45 AM

Subject: RE: I CAN EXPLAIN

Dear Whippersnappers,

It's not a periscope, it's a "tactical observation device" I bought from a catalog in 1987. Still works perfectly. The Pentagon called me about it once, but I hung up on them.

And Jake, your "comedy act" is what attracted the raccoons. They think you're one of them now. I saw three of them following you to the subway this morning, walking in single file like little bandits. One was wearing what looked like your rainbow wig. You've started a cult.

The real question is: who ordered 500 pounds of birdseed to be delivered to the lobby at 6 AM? Because THAT'S your bee situation. Turns out bees love millet. Who knew? (I knew. I've been warning people about the bee-millet connection since 1973, but nobody listens to Estelle.)

Estelle

P.S. - Has anyone seen my cat, Mr. Whiskers? He's been missing since the watermelon delivery. He's wearing his sailor collar, the one from his Instagram account.

From: mike.narayan.apt5d@email.com

To: all.residents@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 11:23 AM

Subject: Found Your Cat + Minor Confession

Mrs. Koplitz,

Mr. Whiskers is fine. He's in my apartment eating tuna and judging my life choices. He wandered in during my morning meditation when I had the door open to "invite positive energy." Instead, I invited your cat and apparently six raccoons who are now refusing to leave my kitchen. They've organized themselves into what appears to be a small government. There's definitely a hierarchy.

About the birdseed... that's on me. I'm starting an urban farming initiative on the roof. The delivery was supposed to go up there, but the delivery guy saw the watermelons blocking the freight elevator and just dumped everything in the lobby. He actually said, "Not my circus, not my watermelons," which I respect.

I did NOT anticipate the bees. Or that pigeons would somehow message their entire extended family network. There are pigeons here from New Jersey. NEW JERSEY, people.

Mike

P.S. - Jake, buddy, Gallagher smashed watermelons in the 80s. Maybe update your references?

P.P.S. - The raccoons have elected Mr. Whiskers as their leader. This feels important.

From: carter.sloane@hawthorneapts.com

To: all.residents@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 12:15 PM

Subject: PLEASE STOP REPLYING ALL

I'm begging you.

Current situation update:

Lobby: Bees (increasing exponentially)

Freight elevator: Watermelons (fermenting)

Apartment 5D: Raccoons (establishing parliamentary democracy)

Roof: One confused delivery driver (stuck, possibly napping)

Side entrance: Blocked by news van (they think we're doing a flash mob)

My sanity: Missing, presumed dead

The exterminator has refused to come. He says we need an "exorcist or maybe a zoologist, definitely a therapist." He's blocked our number.

Carter

P.S. - The super is threatening to quit. This is his third nervous breakdown this year, and it's only March. He's in the basement singing Broadway songs to himself.

From: demi.hirahara.apt4b@email.com

To: all.residents@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 2:47 PM

Subject: PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

Everyone,

I've fixed everything. My therapist says I have "a need to orchestrate solutions to chaos I didn't create," and today that finally paid off! She's going to write a paper about this.

Here's what I did:

Led the raccoons to the watermelons using a trail of Jake's comedy flyers (they're attracted to failure)

The raccoons ate holes in the watermelons (perfect bee-sized holes)

The bees went INTO the watermelons (apparently they love fermented fruit)

Loaded the bee-filled watermelons onto the news van using the super's Broadway enthusiasm

Told the reporters it was performance art about urban wildlife displacement in post-pandemic Manhattan

We're going viral on TikTok (#WatermelonChaos is trending)

The building is clear, we're getting a grant from the Arts Council, and the delivery driver agreed not to sue if Jake gives him comedy lessons. Although that might violate the Geneva Convention.

You're welcome.

Demi

P.S. - Mrs. Koplitz, I taught Mr. Whiskers how to use the periscope. He's surprisingly good at it. Natural talent.

From: estelle.koplitz.2c@aol.com

To: all.residents@hawthorneapts.com

Date: Monday, March 4, 2024, 4:33 PM

Subject: RE: PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

Demi,

You're uninvited from bingo night. Mr. Whiskers is now convinced he's in the Navy and keeps saluting me.

Estelle